Title: Tapeheads (1988)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Tagline: “Let’s get into trouble, baby!”
My Tagline: “Just when you thought the chicken and waffles were safe again…”
Favorite Quote: “Teach me to read.”
Plot Synopsis: Tim Robbins and John Cusack start a video production business with hopes of striking it big in music videos and possibly with real movies. Piss poor and unconnected the duo soon discovers that their plans for fame and fortune will be hard to realize. They resolve themselves to producing work they do not want to in order to make money so that they can do the things they want to do. It sounds pretty simple but even the crappy jobs prove fruitless and matters get extremely complicated when during one of their gigs the boys accidentally come into possession of an incriminating video of a presidential candidate having very kinky relations with hookers.
Review: Once again I find myself struggling with the question of ranking. And once again it is because this film is actually a comedy and not a movie that is so bad it’s funny. I include it here because it is such a unique brand of comedy that isn’t normally well received or understood by the masses. In fact the average ranking over at INMb is only 5.7 out of 10. That’s better than most of the movies I have reviewed but it seems to me that there are some people who would love this movie if they only knew it was worth trying. It’s not for everyone and the description coupled with the relatively low rankings might scare people off. The humor of Tapeheads is often weird and abrupt like two women out of nowhere whipping out nunchucks and butterfly blades in order to duel. Or the boys trying to puppetmaster a dead guy’s face into saying one of his last wishes was for his family to pay them handsomely. This silly, and sometimes a little dark, humor about film geeks and their misadventures is right up my alley so I like the movie. Plus, any movie that features music by They Might Be Giants is automatically going to score points with me. (alternately, any movie that features Richard Gere is going to start off with strikes against it) You can almost compare the humor to things like “Naked Gun” where the comedy is visible on all spectrums from the outrageously silly to the subtle nuisances and references only it isn’t a parody of anything so it struggles a bit to find just the right voice. It’s by no means brilliant or anything but I do believe it deserves better and those few who would like it would probably like it a great deal. It’s a unique and creative little movie clearly done with a shoestring budget that’s worth a shot if you think it sounds interesting.
2.28.2008
2.23.2008
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE winter but the past month or so has been rough and I have neglected my movie review duties. I’m sure no one has noticed or cares but the only way I seem to be able to maintain my few meager hits a weeks is by posting new stuff all the time. So I’ll just post an explanation as to why I haven’t been posting as well as I usually do.
The long version includes an ego-crushing tale of almost getting conned out of $95 and accounts of repeated ice storms knocking out my power and forcing me to live shoulder to shoulder with people I despise with every fiber of my being. My infinite laziness has played a role as well as the fact that I have been a little distracted with my other great entertainment passion, video games. The shorter version is simply that while I have snuck in a few movies these past few weeks they haven’t been what I would call bad. I watched “Red Dawn” which may not be as great as the filmmakers were clearly going for and the idea of tackling such subject matter with actors like Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, and those girls from “Dirty Dancing” is pretty hilarious but overall it’s not a terrible movie. It’s entertaining to watch and all that. I watched “Cool Hand Luke” which I would argue is a good movie. I didn’t walk away with a very deep understanding of Luke but that may have been more of my own ineptitude then the filmmakers. As near as I can tell part of the point was that there wasn’t much to understand anyway. I watched “Harry and Tonto” which was a pretty great movie. Probably a wonderful one as it left me sort of wanting more. It just seems like once they decided it was going to be over it just ended real quick like. Even if you didn’t want it to keep going that fast pacing clashed with the rest of the film. Though they say that your perception of time speeds up the older you get and the movie is about a man in his autumn years so I guess it’s possible there’s more going on here than I give them credit for. And I watched them all on AMC so for all I know they cut stuff out. Wouldn’t surprise me, the bastards.
In the meantime do yourself a favor and watch the new “Battlestar Galactica” from the beginning and in order because it’s legitimately good*, watch the movie “Immortal” because it’s fun-bad and I’ve been meaning to do a review of it for months now, play Final Fantasy VII because after over ten years it’s still the greatest game ever made, and if you have a good copy of the Roger Corman version of The Fantastic Four then do the world a favor and upload that rare gem because it’s long overdo for it’s time in the sun.
*- The new Battlestar Galactica is the single greatest thing the human race has ever achieved and is the best invention since the plow. In fact that’s how a civilization’s progress can be judged from now on; the inventions of the plow, the printing press, movies, video games, and the new Battlestar Galactica. Everything else is just filler, material that can be used as subject matter for games and inspiration of Battlestar plots. I can just see it now; Mr. Spock is looking through that viewfinder thing of his as he speaks to Kirk.
Spock
It appears they do have warp drive and have developed MMORPGs but have not yet written the pilot involving the Cylon attack on Caprica, Captain.
Kirk
Well let’s forget them then. They’re not advanced enough for first contact.
Uhura
Captain, I’m receiving word from Starfleet that the Gorlock Empire has finally re-written Starbuck as a female character and so far she has slept with a full third of the remaining population.
Kirk
Mr. Sulu, ahead warp factor nine.
Sulu
Aye Captain.
Yeah…I need to get out more.
The long version includes an ego-crushing tale of almost getting conned out of $95 and accounts of repeated ice storms knocking out my power and forcing me to live shoulder to shoulder with people I despise with every fiber of my being. My infinite laziness has played a role as well as the fact that I have been a little distracted with my other great entertainment passion, video games. The shorter version is simply that while I have snuck in a few movies these past few weeks they haven’t been what I would call bad. I watched “Red Dawn” which may not be as great as the filmmakers were clearly going for and the idea of tackling such subject matter with actors like Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, and those girls from “Dirty Dancing” is pretty hilarious but overall it’s not a terrible movie. It’s entertaining to watch and all that. I watched “Cool Hand Luke” which I would argue is a good movie. I didn’t walk away with a very deep understanding of Luke but that may have been more of my own ineptitude then the filmmakers. As near as I can tell part of the point was that there wasn’t much to understand anyway. I watched “Harry and Tonto” which was a pretty great movie. Probably a wonderful one as it left me sort of wanting more. It just seems like once they decided it was going to be over it just ended real quick like. Even if you didn’t want it to keep going that fast pacing clashed with the rest of the film. Though they say that your perception of time speeds up the older you get and the movie is about a man in his autumn years so I guess it’s possible there’s more going on here than I give them credit for. And I watched them all on AMC so for all I know they cut stuff out. Wouldn’t surprise me, the bastards.
In the meantime do yourself a favor and watch the new “Battlestar Galactica” from the beginning and in order because it’s legitimately good*, watch the movie “Immortal” because it’s fun-bad and I’ve been meaning to do a review of it for months now, play Final Fantasy VII because after over ten years it’s still the greatest game ever made, and if you have a good copy of the Roger Corman version of The Fantastic Four then do the world a favor and upload that rare gem because it’s long overdo for it’s time in the sun.
*- The new Battlestar Galactica is the single greatest thing the human race has ever achieved and is the best invention since the plow. In fact that’s how a civilization’s progress can be judged from now on; the inventions of the plow, the printing press, movies, video games, and the new Battlestar Galactica. Everything else is just filler, material that can be used as subject matter for games and inspiration of Battlestar plots. I can just see it now; Mr. Spock is looking through that viewfinder thing of his as he speaks to Kirk.
Spock
It appears they do have warp drive and have developed MMORPGs but have not yet written the pilot involving the Cylon attack on Caprica, Captain.
Kirk
Well let’s forget them then. They’re not advanced enough for first contact.
Uhura
Captain, I’m receiving word from Starfleet that the Gorlock Empire has finally re-written Starbuck as a female character and so far she has slept with a full third of the remaining population.
Kirk
Mr. Sulu, ahead warp factor nine.
Sulu
Aye Captain.
Yeah…I need to get out more.
2.05.2008
Crash of the Moons Review
Title: Crash of the Moons (1954)
Rating: 3 out of 5
My Tagline: “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinky.”
Favorite Quote: “Quiet Winky.”
Plot Synopsis and Review: I rate this one so high because it lends itself to riffing so well. If that’s not your thing then I would probably say closer to 2 or 2.5. This space film weaves an intricate space tapestry of space betrayal, space madness, space distrust, space baby innocence and space survival with thrilling space action and unbelievable space special effects. (unbelievably lame anyway) Our space tale begins when Space Rangers Rocky, Winky, (the poor guy’s name is actually Winky?) and secretary Drake try opening up relations with the rather hot yet infinitely untrusting (and bat shit crazy) space Queen Cleolanta. She refuses the space invitation for space relations and gives the space men an hour to vacate the planet before she blasts them into space dust. The Space Ranges promptly leave and while floating around in space they receive a call on their astroradio. Speaking into a space eggplant they converse with their “special” friends who believe they are playing some kind of trick on Rocky by imitating the normal radio operator. It’s sweet that they think they’re funny. Amongst their entourage is a crazy grandpa they kindly call Professor Newton, a tall drink of water named Vena Ray, and a boy named Bobby who obviously slipped through the cracks of the system and has never heard of space child labor laws. Poor kid, but on the plus side he gets to play Space Ranger with Sally Mansfield. Something tells me that kid hit puberty in the most embarrassing way and in front of a full crew on set. So anyway, his friends want to tell Rocky, and I guess Winky, that the space space station they are on is going to passing between the Gypsy moons. The Gypsy moons are two equally sized planetoids that are so close to one another you can actually see them sharing an atmosphere. (they must have some killer surfing) For some reason Rocky’s friends are really excited about it until Rocky drops the bomb that the space station will be ripped apart when it cruises through the moons’ “atmosphere chain.” The space station was built to withstand the rigors of outer space, not an atmosphere. Even though it’s technically not an atmosphere so much as just some loose gas floating around the writers seemed to think it would be enough to destroy the best built space station in known existence. Long story short they survive the ordeal and eventually come to the revelation that the moons are on a collision course. At this time I would like to quibble that while I was a bit confused by the use of three names used to describe closely orbiting large bodies I was under the impression that there were two moons at stake. No planets to speak of. Well that’s all well in good except in order for a moon to be a moon it most revolve around a planet. What’s more one the moons in the movie revolved around the other, which was stationary. Wouldn’t that make the stationary moon a planet? And I may not be an astrophysicist or whatever but I would think that when two bodies are close enough to share an atmosphere then it’s a pretty safe bet they’re going to crash into each other. Not due to their orbits but due to their gravity pulling each other together. You’re just figuring this out now Rocky? Anyway, back to the space story. So the Space Rangers feel it is their duty to warn the inhabitants of the moons that they are all about to perish amidst a painful, fiery explosion of hellish oblivion. Apparently they are friends with the leaders of one of the moons so that’s no problem but Queen Cleolanta has adopted an isolationist policy and does not allow any of her citizens contact with the outside universe under any circumstances. As is often the case, exposition saves the day as Rocky explains that a group of underground resisters on Cleolanta’s planet (sorry, “moon”) listens in on Space Ranger broadcasts with their hidden astroradios. Knowing this Rocky lets out a warning broadcast hoping that it might stir up a little space trouble. Then our intrepid space heroes Rocky and Winky battle their way into Cleolanta’s palace to warn her of the impending crash. Naturally, as she is completely nuts, Cleolanta believes that it is either a space trick or at least the most reasonable course of space action is to simply blow up her neighboring moon. Long story short she is thwarted and the orbiting moon is allowed to be space evacuated before the attempt to blow it up continues. The space tension is nearly unbearable as we sit on the edge of our space seats waiting to find out if just one or both moons will be obliterated and just what will be the fate of the hapless inhabitants of the humanoid harboring hyperbaric hemispheres of the Gypsy moons. And then we find out. The End.
Observation: -Dude, I think Rocky and Winky are chicks! This may not come as a surprise with Winky but Rocky is all man yet look at their crotches, they’re completely flat!*
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Isn’t actually a movie but is in fact three episodes of the television show “Rocky Jones: Space Ranger” edited together to appear like a feature film.
*- I’m just kidding. I know producers have often tried to make things more family friendly by either taping down a guy’s junk or even worse giving them pills of pronounced peter. So I don’t need a Hollywood history lesson, thank you.
Rating: 3 out of 5
My Tagline: “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinky.”
Favorite Quote: “Quiet Winky.”
Plot Synopsis and Review: I rate this one so high because it lends itself to riffing so well. If that’s not your thing then I would probably say closer to 2 or 2.5. This space film weaves an intricate space tapestry of space betrayal, space madness, space distrust, space baby innocence and space survival with thrilling space action and unbelievable space special effects. (unbelievably lame anyway) Our space tale begins when Space Rangers Rocky, Winky, (the poor guy’s name is actually Winky?) and secretary Drake try opening up relations with the rather hot yet infinitely untrusting (and bat shit crazy) space Queen Cleolanta. She refuses the space invitation for space relations and gives the space men an hour to vacate the planet before she blasts them into space dust. The Space Ranges promptly leave and while floating around in space they receive a call on their astroradio. Speaking into a space eggplant they converse with their “special” friends who believe they are playing some kind of trick on Rocky by imitating the normal radio operator. It’s sweet that they think they’re funny. Amongst their entourage is a crazy grandpa they kindly call Professor Newton, a tall drink of water named Vena Ray, and a boy named Bobby who obviously slipped through the cracks of the system and has never heard of space child labor laws. Poor kid, but on the plus side he gets to play Space Ranger with Sally Mansfield. Something tells me that kid hit puberty in the most embarrassing way and in front of a full crew on set. So anyway, his friends want to tell Rocky, and I guess Winky, that the space space station they are on is going to passing between the Gypsy moons. The Gypsy moons are two equally sized planetoids that are so close to one another you can actually see them sharing an atmosphere. (they must have some killer surfing) For some reason Rocky’s friends are really excited about it until Rocky drops the bomb that the space station will be ripped apart when it cruises through the moons’ “atmosphere chain.” The space station was built to withstand the rigors of outer space, not an atmosphere. Even though it’s technically not an atmosphere so much as just some loose gas floating around the writers seemed to think it would be enough to destroy the best built space station in known existence. Long story short they survive the ordeal and eventually come to the revelation that the moons are on a collision course. At this time I would like to quibble that while I was a bit confused by the use of three names used to describe closely orbiting large bodies I was under the impression that there were two moons at stake. No planets to speak of. Well that’s all well in good except in order for a moon to be a moon it most revolve around a planet. What’s more one the moons in the movie revolved around the other, which was stationary. Wouldn’t that make the stationary moon a planet? And I may not be an astrophysicist or whatever but I would think that when two bodies are close enough to share an atmosphere then it’s a pretty safe bet they’re going to crash into each other. Not due to their orbits but due to their gravity pulling each other together. You’re just figuring this out now Rocky? Anyway, back to the space story. So the Space Rangers feel it is their duty to warn the inhabitants of the moons that they are all about to perish amidst a painful, fiery explosion of hellish oblivion. Apparently they are friends with the leaders of one of the moons so that’s no problem but Queen Cleolanta has adopted an isolationist policy and does not allow any of her citizens contact with the outside universe under any circumstances. As is often the case, exposition saves the day as Rocky explains that a group of underground resisters on Cleolanta’s planet (sorry, “moon”) listens in on Space Ranger broadcasts with their hidden astroradios. Knowing this Rocky lets out a warning broadcast hoping that it might stir up a little space trouble. Then our intrepid space heroes Rocky and Winky battle their way into Cleolanta’s palace to warn her of the impending crash. Naturally, as she is completely nuts, Cleolanta believes that it is either a space trick or at least the most reasonable course of space action is to simply blow up her neighboring moon. Long story short she is thwarted and the orbiting moon is allowed to be space evacuated before the attempt to blow it up continues. The space tension is nearly unbearable as we sit on the edge of our space seats waiting to find out if just one or both moons will be obliterated and just what will be the fate of the hapless inhabitants of the humanoid harboring hyperbaric hemispheres of the Gypsy moons. And then we find out. The End.
Observation: -Dude, I think Rocky and Winky are chicks! This may not come as a surprise with Winky but Rocky is all man yet look at their crotches, they’re completely flat!*
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Isn’t actually a movie but is in fact three episodes of the television show “Rocky Jones: Space Ranger” edited together to appear like a feature film.
*- I’m just kidding. I know producers have often tried to make things more family friendly by either taping down a guy’s junk or even worse giving them pills of pronounced peter. So I don’t need a Hollywood history lesson, thank you.
2.04.2008
Reign of Fire Review
Title: Reign of Fire (2002)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Fight Fire With Fire.”
My Tagline: “Once again the U.S. has to pull the Brit’s chestnuts out of the fire.”
Favorite Quote: “Only one thing worse than a dragon…Americans.”
Plot Synopsis: The queen of the Borg disguises herself as a train excavator and accidentally breaks into the lair of a sleeping dragon. The dragon gets out and some serious shit does down. Many years later the queen’s son, Quinn, (Christian Bale) is leading a gang of humans who are hold up in a castle near London. (well, everywhere is near London when you’re on the British Isles) Some Kentucky bluegrass ass-clowns show up and their leader, Van Zan, (Matthew McConaughey) forces Quinn to allow them shelter within the castle so that they might tend to their vehicles. They have brought with them a helicopter, a tank, some various armored vehicles, and a bunch of Dixiecrats who like sticking their dicks where they don’t belong. As it turns out this intrusion is more than a mere a pit stop as the Americans hope to recruit soldiers who will ride with them to London in their quest to git-er-done. Quinn is resistant to the idea at first but later agrees to help Van Zan in a kind of covert-ops mission into London. Spoiler Alert! The humans win. The audience was shocked and amazed.
Review: I find this movie strange. I went in expecting it to be a little more of a standard monster movie. The dragons were supposed to show up and start knocking things down. There would be lots of explosions and fun stuff and eventually some humans would figure out how to stop them. I thought I was going to get to see London attacked and destroyed, I didn’t. I thought I was going to get to see all kinds of carnage and cool special effects but I didn’t. Instead what I got was a film that takes place many years after the dragon’s revival and the damage has already been done. The dragons hold dominance over the planet and all that remains of humanity are a few isolated pockets living out a bleak existence with almost no resources, a claustrophobic atmosphere, and tensions are running high as the human race barely clings to life. Not that there’s anything wrong with this approach of a focused perspective with a character driven storyline. In fact this approach allows for the potential to exist that the film could transcend mere entertainment and enter into the realm of legitimately great cinema. The problem is this movie ends up not being much of anything. As far as ascension into truly great film the movie’s odd choice to be a post-apocalyptic tale gave it potential but it clearly has nothing to say and nothing to teach us. It doesn’t take our primal instincts and juxtapose them to our ideals of so-called “civilization.” It doesn’t place a mirror to society’s face. It doesn’t force us to ask ourselves questions like, “Why exactly does the human race deserve to live?” It doesn’t use archetypes or ancient character dynamics to relate to us a tale that transcends all time and circumstance to touch each of us in some way. It’s not like “The Matrix” where we are watching the visual representation of one man’s path towards enlightenment. It’s really not much of anything. It’s not good enough to be legitimate, it’s not bad enough to be awful, its not fun enough to be fun-bad, and its not mindlessly entertaining enough for it be a good popcorn flick. There’s just no point to it at all. The movie can be best summed as Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey don’t get along and then later they do. There’s some stuff where the humans do some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of but for the most part it’s Bale and McConaughey talking to each other. Now I happen to be a fan of Mr. Bale and remain mostly neutral towards Mr. McConaughey (I did like his character in this movie though) so watching these scornful studs doing their thing was okay by me but it hardly makes for a summer blockbuster. The film only had elements of several genres interspersed throughout leaving it on the whole incomplete. It would probably be a good novel or TV miniseries but the choice to make it a human life story instead of a human survival story while at the same time not being a fun popcorn flick leaves me suggesting that audiences simply steer clear. Unless you're a chick because let me tell ya those two just burn up the screen if you know what I mean.
The Performances
By the time the Milky Way collides with Andromeda and a foreign star vaporizes our solar system Christian Bale will most likely be remembered as one of acting’s greats and there is little contesting that he and Christopher Nolan saved the Batman film franchise so watching him in this turd is a bit humorous. Matthew McConaughey on the other hand…well this is par for the course with him. (no mulligan for McConaughey) Everyone else in this movie just sucked donkey dong though. Oh, except for that hilarious kid in the middle of the first row during the Star Wars stage play. I love that kid. He was the funniest thing in the whole movie.
In the Future Humans are Retarded
Earlier I alluded to the fact that his film contains some of the most idiotic human behavior that has ever taken place in a movie. What I was referring to was the ridiculous way in which McConaughey’s group of soldiers take down a dragon. First they have to wait around while some members of their team set up some kind of vertical marker things so they can use a 3-D mapping system. Wouldn’t it be faster, safer, more reliable, and in every conceivable way make more sense to just use conventional radar? The helicopter is undoubtedly equipped with it and one of their armored vehicles had one so why not just use that? God that was so stupid! There’s no reason why the helicopter should have been taken by surprise. Radar sees through clouds you know! And then there was that whole concept of the Archangels who actually leap from the helicopter and try to ensnare a dragon in a net. That’s fucking retarded! And they use those flying squirrel suits. Yeah, when you’re an extreme sportsman and you’ve done the math for a specific location and you have a designated landing strip then the flying squirrel suit is pretty cool. But you can’t just drop from anywhere at any height and expect to have any success whatsoever. You’re going to die. And this is at a time when there’s hardly any humans left. You’re basically killing three humans to kill one dragon. Brilliant you guys, really. It’s crap like this that makes this movie irritating not enlightening or even entertaining.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Fight Fire With Fire.”
My Tagline: “Once again the U.S. has to pull the Brit’s chestnuts out of the fire.”
Favorite Quote: “Only one thing worse than a dragon…Americans.”
Plot Synopsis: The queen of the Borg disguises herself as a train excavator and accidentally breaks into the lair of a sleeping dragon. The dragon gets out and some serious shit does down. Many years later the queen’s son, Quinn, (Christian Bale) is leading a gang of humans who are hold up in a castle near London. (well, everywhere is near London when you’re on the British Isles) Some Kentucky bluegrass ass-clowns show up and their leader, Van Zan, (Matthew McConaughey) forces Quinn to allow them shelter within the castle so that they might tend to their vehicles. They have brought with them a helicopter, a tank, some various armored vehicles, and a bunch of Dixiecrats who like sticking their dicks where they don’t belong. As it turns out this intrusion is more than a mere a pit stop as the Americans hope to recruit soldiers who will ride with them to London in their quest to git-er-done. Quinn is resistant to the idea at first but later agrees to help Van Zan in a kind of covert-ops mission into London. Spoiler Alert! The humans win. The audience was shocked and amazed.
Review: I find this movie strange. I went in expecting it to be a little more of a standard monster movie. The dragons were supposed to show up and start knocking things down. There would be lots of explosions and fun stuff and eventually some humans would figure out how to stop them. I thought I was going to get to see London attacked and destroyed, I didn’t. I thought I was going to get to see all kinds of carnage and cool special effects but I didn’t. Instead what I got was a film that takes place many years after the dragon’s revival and the damage has already been done. The dragons hold dominance over the planet and all that remains of humanity are a few isolated pockets living out a bleak existence with almost no resources, a claustrophobic atmosphere, and tensions are running high as the human race barely clings to life. Not that there’s anything wrong with this approach of a focused perspective with a character driven storyline. In fact this approach allows for the potential to exist that the film could transcend mere entertainment and enter into the realm of legitimately great cinema. The problem is this movie ends up not being much of anything. As far as ascension into truly great film the movie’s odd choice to be a post-apocalyptic tale gave it potential but it clearly has nothing to say and nothing to teach us. It doesn’t take our primal instincts and juxtapose them to our ideals of so-called “civilization.” It doesn’t place a mirror to society’s face. It doesn’t force us to ask ourselves questions like, “Why exactly does the human race deserve to live?” It doesn’t use archetypes or ancient character dynamics to relate to us a tale that transcends all time and circumstance to touch each of us in some way. It’s not like “The Matrix” where we are watching the visual representation of one man’s path towards enlightenment. It’s really not much of anything. It’s not good enough to be legitimate, it’s not bad enough to be awful, its not fun enough to be fun-bad, and its not mindlessly entertaining enough for it be a good popcorn flick. There’s just no point to it at all. The movie can be best summed as Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey don’t get along and then later they do. There’s some stuff where the humans do some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of but for the most part it’s Bale and McConaughey talking to each other. Now I happen to be a fan of Mr. Bale and remain mostly neutral towards Mr. McConaughey (I did like his character in this movie though) so watching these scornful studs doing their thing was okay by me but it hardly makes for a summer blockbuster. The film only had elements of several genres interspersed throughout leaving it on the whole incomplete. It would probably be a good novel or TV miniseries but the choice to make it a human life story instead of a human survival story while at the same time not being a fun popcorn flick leaves me suggesting that audiences simply steer clear. Unless you're a chick because let me tell ya those two just burn up the screen if you know what I mean.
The Performances
By the time the Milky Way collides with Andromeda and a foreign star vaporizes our solar system Christian Bale will most likely be remembered as one of acting’s greats and there is little contesting that he and Christopher Nolan saved the Batman film franchise so watching him in this turd is a bit humorous. Matthew McConaughey on the other hand…well this is par for the course with him. (no mulligan for McConaughey) Everyone else in this movie just sucked donkey dong though. Oh, except for that hilarious kid in the middle of the first row during the Star Wars stage play. I love that kid. He was the funniest thing in the whole movie.
In the Future Humans are Retarded
Earlier I alluded to the fact that his film contains some of the most idiotic human behavior that has ever taken place in a movie. What I was referring to was the ridiculous way in which McConaughey’s group of soldiers take down a dragon. First they have to wait around while some members of their team set up some kind of vertical marker things so they can use a 3-D mapping system. Wouldn’t it be faster, safer, more reliable, and in every conceivable way make more sense to just use conventional radar? The helicopter is undoubtedly equipped with it and one of their armored vehicles had one so why not just use that? God that was so stupid! There’s no reason why the helicopter should have been taken by surprise. Radar sees through clouds you know! And then there was that whole concept of the Archangels who actually leap from the helicopter and try to ensnare a dragon in a net. That’s fucking retarded! And they use those flying squirrel suits. Yeah, when you’re an extreme sportsman and you’ve done the math for a specific location and you have a designated landing strip then the flying squirrel suit is pretty cool. But you can’t just drop from anywhere at any height and expect to have any success whatsoever. You’re going to die. And this is at a time when there’s hardly any humans left. You’re basically killing three humans to kill one dragon. Brilliant you guys, really. It’s crap like this that makes this movie irritating not enlightening or even entertaining.
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