Title: Crash of the Moons (1954)
Rating: 3 out of 5
My Tagline: “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinky.”
Favorite Quote: “Quiet Winky.”
Plot Synopsis and Review: I rate this one so high because it lends itself to riffing so well. If that’s not your thing then I would probably say closer to 2 or 2.5. This space film weaves an intricate space tapestry of space betrayal, space madness, space distrust, space baby innocence and space survival with thrilling space action and unbelievable space special effects. (unbelievably lame anyway) Our space tale begins when Space Rangers Rocky, Winky, (the poor guy’s name is actually Winky?) and secretary Drake try opening up relations with the rather hot yet infinitely untrusting (and bat shit crazy) space Queen Cleolanta. She refuses the space invitation for space relations and gives the space men an hour to vacate the planet before she blasts them into space dust. The Space Ranges promptly leave and while floating around in space they receive a call on their astroradio. Speaking into a space eggplant they converse with their “special” friends who believe they are playing some kind of trick on Rocky by imitating the normal radio operator. It’s sweet that they think they’re funny. Amongst their entourage is a crazy grandpa they kindly call Professor Newton, a tall drink of water named Vena Ray, and a boy named Bobby who obviously slipped through the cracks of the system and has never heard of space child labor laws. Poor kid, but on the plus side he gets to play Space Ranger with Sally Mansfield. Something tells me that kid hit puberty in the most embarrassing way and in front of a full crew on set. So anyway, his friends want to tell Rocky, and I guess Winky, that the space space station they are on is going to passing between the Gypsy moons. The Gypsy moons are two equally sized planetoids that are so close to one another you can actually see them sharing an atmosphere. (they must have some killer surfing) For some reason Rocky’s friends are really excited about it until Rocky drops the bomb that the space station will be ripped apart when it cruises through the moons’ “atmosphere chain.” The space station was built to withstand the rigors of outer space, not an atmosphere. Even though it’s technically not an atmosphere so much as just some loose gas floating around the writers seemed to think it would be enough to destroy the best built space station in known existence. Long story short they survive the ordeal and eventually come to the revelation that the moons are on a collision course. At this time I would like to quibble that while I was a bit confused by the use of three names used to describe closely orbiting large bodies I was under the impression that there were two moons at stake. No planets to speak of. Well that’s all well in good except in order for a moon to be a moon it most revolve around a planet. What’s more one the moons in the movie revolved around the other, which was stationary. Wouldn’t that make the stationary moon a planet? And I may not be an astrophysicist or whatever but I would think that when two bodies are close enough to share an atmosphere then it’s a pretty safe bet they’re going to crash into each other. Not due to their orbits but due to their gravity pulling each other together. You’re just figuring this out now Rocky? Anyway, back to the space story. So the Space Rangers feel it is their duty to warn the inhabitants of the moons that they are all about to perish amidst a painful, fiery explosion of hellish oblivion. Apparently they are friends with the leaders of one of the moons so that’s no problem but Queen Cleolanta has adopted an isolationist policy and does not allow any of her citizens contact with the outside universe under any circumstances. As is often the case, exposition saves the day as Rocky explains that a group of underground resisters on Cleolanta’s planet (sorry, “moon”) listens in on Space Ranger broadcasts with their hidden astroradios. Knowing this Rocky lets out a warning broadcast hoping that it might stir up a little space trouble. Then our intrepid space heroes Rocky and Winky battle their way into Cleolanta’s palace to warn her of the impending crash. Naturally, as she is completely nuts, Cleolanta believes that it is either a space trick or at least the most reasonable course of space action is to simply blow up her neighboring moon. Long story short she is thwarted and the orbiting moon is allowed to be space evacuated before the attempt to blow it up continues. The space tension is nearly unbearable as we sit on the edge of our space seats waiting to find out if just one or both moons will be obliterated and just what will be the fate of the hapless inhabitants of the humanoid harboring hyperbaric hemispheres of the Gypsy moons. And then we find out. The End.
Observation: -Dude, I think Rocky and Winky are chicks! This may not come as a surprise with Winky but Rocky is all man yet look at their crotches, they’re completely flat!*
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Isn’t actually a movie but is in fact three episodes of the television show “Rocky Jones: Space Ranger” edited together to appear like a feature film.
*- I’m just kidding. I know producers have often tried to make things more family friendly by either taping down a guy’s junk or even worse giving them pills of pronounced peter. So I don’t need a Hollywood history lesson, thank you.