Snakes on a Plane Review

Title: Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Rating: 4 out of 5

Tagline: “Sit Back. Relax. Enjoy the fright!”

My Tagline: “Dude, it’s SNAKES on a PLANE. Dat shit is off da hook y’all!”

Favorite Quote: “Get off my Dick! Get off my Dick!”

Plot Synopsis: The movie’s title is Snakes on a Plane. Three guesses what it’s about.

Review: It was probably impossible for this movie to live up to the build in excitement leading to its release but now that the dreams have been shattered and the illusions cast aside we can finally step back and examine this movie fairly. This was a rather rare case where a film was universally recognized as, and anticipated because, of pure awfulness. Rather than then the “good film gone bad” formula we are familiar with this film was almost tailor-made for the bad movie fan. I have heard rumors that some involved, like the director, actually believed in the project and operated under the insane idea that the film was a quality picture and it was only later after the buzz swirling around the movie was related to how bad it must be did they say it was always meant to be a bad movie. The idea that any right-minded human being could ever conceive of this movie as an actual cinematic triumph with moving character and story is so ridicules that I refuse to accept the possibility. But whether it was always meant to be this way or whether it started out noble only to fall from grace there’s no getting around the fact that this film is wonderfully terrible. Everything about it is bad. There are no saving graces or “well at least such-and-such was good” moments. Whether it’s the terrible CGI, the brilliantly bad dialogue, the dwelling shots, the either totally lame or too-good-for this-movie acting, the ridicules character dynamics, or just the overall feeling of complete nonsense that this film embodies, everything about it is dreadful. And it’s a lot of fun.

The Best of the Worst

As with many great cinematic masterpieces the best part, and the real heart of the film, is the characters. Not only are each of them infinitely lame, shallow, and undeveloped but watching how they relate to each other from minute to minute is an interesting character study. Some characters only seem to exist when they are needed while the sudden focus on another will have you saying “where the hell is all this coming from?” On a dime people will turn on each other just to be hugging one another the next minute. Characters will simply drop quirks like OCD when it’s more convenient to the story for them to be physically affectionate with total strangers. Brief lines relating to a character’s past and their relationship to others trapped on the plane will abruptly appear as some kind of half-assed attempt to bring emotion and conflict to the screen. These awkward and undeveloped moments will pass by so quickly you will be unsure if they really happened because the idea of someone trying to cram something legitimate amongst all this crap is simply mindboggling. As with just about any horror film at least one discussion took place on set where the topic of the day was cool death scenes and fun moments. This collaborative spirit has lead to some of cinema’s greatest death scenes and with this film’s almost unique killing machine at work (snakes) some doors where opened leading to fun possibilities, nearly all of which were explored. Now I tend to favor those movies that were made with the greatest of intentions and were always meant to emerge as masterpieces but somewhere along the way ended up on the B-reels but I can’t deny that a movie like this is fun too. Given how great it is and the large amount of even mainstream excitement leading up to it I would say that this movie is a must-see for any bad movie or horror movie fan.

Questions and Observations

Now I love video games more than any human being who has ever or will ever live but even I didn’t get the whole discussion and arguing about the merits of flight simulation. And I hope you realize that those autopilots are advanced enough that they can land themselves. No one even needed to be at the controls and even if they did Mythbusters proved that even laymen can be guided to safely land a commercial jet.

It’s always nice to see that Kenan can still find work but does anyone know what happened to Kel?

Believe it or not a Kevlar vest wouldn’t protect you from a snake bite if its fangs were long enough so if that was a poisonous snake our surfer hero would be dead. Though I guess the anti-venom was just a few feet away…

So do you think Kim was convicted or what? I’m going to say that Surfer-witness was sniped while surfing with Sam Jackson a fraction of a second after the shot we saw cut away.

Gee, if all it takes to screw up a plane’s internal systems like that is a few light snakes squirming around I don’t ever what to fly.

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