Title: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Rise and Fight.”
My Tagline: “Fall Flat and Squirm.”
Favorite Quotes: “Wisdom is our hammer…” & “I’m glad he has a family now, and I’m glad it’s us.” & “‘This is where we pay for our sins?’ ‘No. This is where we pay for our virtues. Sins are more than welcome here.’” & Every single word Ray Liotta says.
Plot Synopsis: Somewhere at some point in time a kingdom called Ehb existed and it had wizards only they were called Magi and it had Orcs only they were called Krugs and it had forest lesbians instead of Elves. Well a bad wizard decides he’s going to take over so he enchants the normally mindless Krug to do his bidding, which seems to include the slaughter and enslavement of the innocent citizens of Ehb. Caught up in this mess is a withdrawn and freaking annoying farmer and his freaking annoying family. His friends are sort of there too but they’re completely unnecessary and when the movie does decide to go back their storyline it seems out of place and slightly disorienting. So this bad wizard has the King’s nephew wrapped around his finger and his dick inside the King’s Magi’s daughter and it his intention to use these connections to take control to the Kingdom. Very soon Magi girl stops liking the bad wizard, the nephew decides he wants the insurrection to be accelerated, the farmer dude decides he wants to kill the bad wizard, the forest lesbians decide they want in on the killing action, the King catches wind of the bad wizard’s plans and the King’s generals naturally want to do what the King says. So with the human race united against him and his attempt at assignation-with-intent-of-insurrection thwarted the bad wizard decides to use the direct approach and just attacks with his retarded Krug things. In the end the forces we are told are the good ones win out. Though I think I would have sided with Ray Liotta to be honest.
Review: Uwe Boll has been stroking a boner for “The Lord of the Rings” for years now and has badly wanted to do his own epic, confident he could do so much better. Well he’s finally got his wish and he has not disappointed.
The Performances
Where does one begin with this Dungeon Siege tale? I suppose the best place to start would be the actors. I mean, Burt Reynolds is the freaking King for crying out loud! You just can’t do any better than that. Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillard are just brilliant in this movie, it’s worth watching just for them and it seems pretty clear they knew what kind of movie they were in. (though I would argue both are brilliant in everything they’re in) Apparently that Statham dude is physically incapable of talking normally and is stuck in that “24” style whispering but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect. Even in tender scenes with his wife the dope sounds likes he’s sneaking in an office building to rescue the hostages or something. And poor Leelee wants so badly for people to remember that she exists. She and Reynolds give it their all in legitimately decent performances that not only offer an interesting contrast to the shit that surrounds them but is very sad as it is nearly impossible to take either one of them seriously. Just the name Burt Reynolds conjures up images from scenes like in “Striptease” where the man is completely coated in petroleum jelly and wearing only a cowboy hat and boots with a thong. I just can’t help but laugh. Brian White gives a decent performance as well but as the movie progresses and the battles start up it’s like he just realized what kind of movie he was in and goes crazy to some wonderfully funny effect. The Farmer’s kid is hilarious and while most of the cast felt unnecessary their awkwardness and lameness adds greatly to the experience that is In the Name of the King.
The Script
I’m sure some would argue that this is the best Boll script so far but that’s really not saying much. And Boll didn’t write it so I must examine it purely on it merits as a stand-alone movie, not an Uwe Boll film. The script was fortunate to have such great actors bring it to life and had it not been for their interpretation it would not come off well at all. The best proof of this is seen by looking at the mostly unnecessary characters that are merely spouting out some very simple dialogue with some very simple motivations. Be sad, be funny, be hopeful, be scared, and other things like that. When they speak it seems awkward and silly. It is through these characters that the true nature and quality of the script emerges. The occasional use of old English and overly simplistic nature of the dialogue comes off as droll and uninspired as those are the most pretentious things I could think to say about a lame script. I’m sure somebody out there would like to argue that the film follows Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey and to some degree I suppose that’s true. After all, the main character is actually called “Farmer.” That’s right, they literally named the dude “Farmer.” It is this obvious and rather pathetic attempt to make the film something more than it is that I feel best exemplifies the script as a whole. It’s basically just a bunch of annoying shit like that. Other than that the film really holds no relevant or deep-seeded themes brought to life through archetypal storytelling played out with interesting characters set against a beautiful and fantastic setting interlaced with fun action and moving emotion. It’s really more an extra long Saturday morning cartoon show. A villain, Ray Liotta, tries to cease ultimate power and a lame hero, Farmer, stops him. I’m looking forward to the nearly three hour extended director’s cut but as it stands the theatrical version feels very condensed and the whole thing somewhat unexplored.
The Battles, The Action, The Effects
Between Statham’s magic boomerang and the “Power Ranger” style creatures and fighting the battles in this movie offer us some great scenes. Whether it’s people holding still long enough to be flipped or weapons dully thudding against clothes like in Sci-Fi channel movie or just the ridiculously stupid and poorly considered fights that completely ignore every consideration taken into real combat this movie’s violence is laughably bad. I’m not going to waste time going into tactical considerations to try to make myself sound smart but seriously, you would have to be a total imbecile to think that’s what fighting is or should be. They have ninjas on the front lines jumping around on trees while the knightly clad human forces are fighting in the forest where all that armor would just be an encumbrance. Their archers would be useless and instead of utilizing their human strengths like discipline and formations they just engage in this silly melee like some kind of giant street gang fight against big stupid monsters who have no fear. If the Kingdom of Ehb’s military leaders are really that dim then that must be the easiest kingdom in the known universe to take over. But here’s the thing, they had fight chorographer Tony Ching of “Hero” and “House of Flying Daggers” fame. Even with legitimate talent like that Uwe still manages to pull off something that looks hokey as hell. Oh and apparently before going into battle it's tradtional for boths sides to slather themselves in kerosene. Some of the visuals may have been better than in the past but they are also ripped directly from other movies, namely “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy. (see if you can spot the influence) As with many of his films there is at least one thing that’s legitimately good, like the makeup in “House of the Dead,” in this case I like the costumes. Not including the Krug who like Power Ranger villains. Maybe I’m wrong but I like the costumes.
Classic Boll
As always the best part of Mr. Boll’s films is his earnest believe that he and his work are brilliant. He has said that In the Name of the King is actually better than The Lord of Rings. Nothing could be further from the truth and he doesn’t even realize it. As with all his work this film fails in nearly every way. Its action defies the laws of nature, its attempts at humor fall flat, its writing is among the worst in film history, its character development is too deliberate, and the overall quality of production is so poor that none of the themes are fleshed out and its goals are not met. And for a bad movie fan such as myself, it’s a lot of fun to watch. Thank you Mr. Boll and if you are reading this please put me in one of your movies.
1.29.2008
1.25.2008
The Pyx Review
Title: The Pyx (1973)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “See It…Find Out What It Means!”
My Tagline: “Christopher Plummer is a Prick.”
Favorite Quote: “Hey Anderson, fancy meeting you here.”
Plot Synopsis: A lady of the evening is found murdered and it’s Plummer’s job to find out who she is and why she is dead. So the film follows two completely separate stories cutting between Plummer’s investigation and the woman’s final few days. It’s not that Plummer uncovers and pieces together what happened, we’re just forced to witness it. We watch Plummer and his partner hassle witnesses, get into fights with greasy men, shoot people, and all around act like pricks. Then we watch the dead hooker shoot up heroin, (our heroine’s on heroin) bask in the afterglow of selling her body, consort with Canada’s homosexual, (that’s right, they only have one and his name is Jimmy) talk to some girl she stuck in a nunnery, and get ogled at by some creepy clients.
Review: What is it about these cult flicks?
French AND Canadian eww, gross. I’m not sure when we were to start or even what we were supposed to care about in this movie but I kept waiting for the damn cult to show up. It was more of a really bad police procedural then an exploration of Montreal's seething underbelly or a psychological thriller casting a light on one woman’s personal Hell as her life slowly spirals out of control ultimately leading to the end of it in the most brutal way. Actually I don't really see how her death was her fault. She didn’t go looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, she was sold out by her madam. She had friends who cared about her. I guess she did sort of push them away but there’s something not so terrifying about a hooker’s madam setting her up with less than desirable clients. I thought that was part of the point of being a sex prostitute. (fans of Frasier might like that joke) I rate this one so low due to its lack of universal appeal and overall dullness. Most people have trouble with great movies that are long with slow pacing. This film is awful and long with slow pacing. It would take a very special kind of bad movie fan to love this movie. I think I liked it but I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t and I simply can’t recommend it to anyone. The lack of music being used to heighten the drama badly hurt the film as well as the fact that the camera operator appeared to be asleep half the time as they struggled to keep their subject in frame and the scenes in focus.* Once again some of the worst film mankind has ever laid eyes upon was used to make this bad movie giving it that filmed-at-the-bottom-of-a-retirement-home’s-toilet look that directors so covet. And the accents are so ridiculous they sound like people pretending to be French-Canadian. I guess with dubbing that may have been the case. The whole thing cuts, abruptly I might add, between after the murder and before the murder coming together more like random scenes spliced by a monkey with mange then a cohesive story presented uniquely. The frechyness of the film really shines through at times as we find ourselves staring for minutes on end at a clearly insane woman crying while some background opera is playing. The camera operator drifts off, cutting off about half her face, but we just keep staring at her as there is no where else for our eyes to go. Though the movie does seem to have some respect for us, as it clearly believes we are all well versed in cults and can figure out for ourselves just what the Hell they were doing or hoping to achieve. We are given just two clues: an upside-down cross and the term “Black Mass.” Now I’m no expert but I do believe both are symbols for the Church of Satan. And I only know that because I watch unhealthy amounts of television. How was anyone suppose to know what was going on? What’s the point of a Black Mass? Isn’t the girl supposed to be willing? And I’ve seen a Black Mass preformed (the PG version anyway) and let me tell ya, they don’t wear bishop outfits and perform the ritual in an ordained church. Oh and after all that we’ve put up with that is the dramatic death scene? That was just about the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
What to like about the movie.
The two detectives are a lot fun but Plummer’s partner isn’t in it nearly enough. So it starts strong and slowly winds down. I also loved the fact that Alvin and the Chipmunks were singing backup at the Black Mass. There is some humor that can be drudged up for observation if you try and the film lends itself to riffing fairly well. If you’re a fan of pale-skinned, cottage-cheese ass and distant through-a-shirt nipples then there’s some nudity in here for ya. For the ladies this movie has Peter Sellers in just his underpants and a hairy, winded, naked, sweaty, middle-aged John to enjoy early on. If you’ve ever wondered why the French and the Canadians are the butt of every joke and worth so much distain then this movie might help clear things up for you.
Questions: -Did he just say that all this happened over the course of a day? I have to admit it’s pretty impressive that he can wrap a case that quick.
-Okay, I got that her madam sold her out but was she a member of the cult too or was she just paid enough to let it happen? She was there at the mass and seemed fairly enthusiastic about the whole thing so I guess she could have been a cult member but there weren’t any clear signs.
*The film was originally shot in widescreen which accounts for the cutting off of so much but my explanation is much more funny.
My apologies to any of you maple syrup chugging frogs out there who may have been offended by my observations about your inferior culture and crumby filmmaking.
Just kidding you guys. After all, my girlfriend lives in Canada. ...No seriously. Hmm? Oh she doesn’t have a computer……or a phone. In fact she lives in a cabin without electricity. …How do we talk? Uh, the mail I guess I mean, yes! Definitely by mail. In fact we use trained pigeons to send messages to each other so, yeah. No I’m serious! She’s really real you guys and she’s really a model for Victoria’s Secret. Seriously.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “See It…Find Out What It Means!”
My Tagline: “Christopher Plummer is a Prick.”
Favorite Quote: “Hey Anderson, fancy meeting you here.”
Plot Synopsis: A lady of the evening is found murdered and it’s Plummer’s job to find out who she is and why she is dead. So the film follows two completely separate stories cutting between Plummer’s investigation and the woman’s final few days. It’s not that Plummer uncovers and pieces together what happened, we’re just forced to witness it. We watch Plummer and his partner hassle witnesses, get into fights with greasy men, shoot people, and all around act like pricks. Then we watch the dead hooker shoot up heroin, (our heroine’s on heroin) bask in the afterglow of selling her body, consort with Canada’s homosexual, (that’s right, they only have one and his name is Jimmy) talk to some girl she stuck in a nunnery, and get ogled at by some creepy clients.
Review: What is it about these cult flicks?
French AND Canadian eww, gross. I’m not sure when we were to start or even what we were supposed to care about in this movie but I kept waiting for the damn cult to show up. It was more of a really bad police procedural then an exploration of Montreal's seething underbelly or a psychological thriller casting a light on one woman’s personal Hell as her life slowly spirals out of control ultimately leading to the end of it in the most brutal way. Actually I don't really see how her death was her fault. She didn’t go looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, she was sold out by her madam. She had friends who cared about her. I guess she did sort of push them away but there’s something not so terrifying about a hooker’s madam setting her up with less than desirable clients. I thought that was part of the point of being a sex prostitute. (fans of Frasier might like that joke) I rate this one so low due to its lack of universal appeal and overall dullness. Most people have trouble with great movies that are long with slow pacing. This film is awful and long with slow pacing. It would take a very special kind of bad movie fan to love this movie. I think I liked it but I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t and I simply can’t recommend it to anyone. The lack of music being used to heighten the drama badly hurt the film as well as the fact that the camera operator appeared to be asleep half the time as they struggled to keep their subject in frame and the scenes in focus.* Once again some of the worst film mankind has ever laid eyes upon was used to make this bad movie giving it that filmed-at-the-bottom-of-a-retirement-home’s-toilet look that directors so covet. And the accents are so ridiculous they sound like people pretending to be French-Canadian. I guess with dubbing that may have been the case. The whole thing cuts, abruptly I might add, between after the murder and before the murder coming together more like random scenes spliced by a monkey with mange then a cohesive story presented uniquely. The frechyness of the film really shines through at times as we find ourselves staring for minutes on end at a clearly insane woman crying while some background opera is playing. The camera operator drifts off, cutting off about half her face, but we just keep staring at her as there is no where else for our eyes to go. Though the movie does seem to have some respect for us, as it clearly believes we are all well versed in cults and can figure out for ourselves just what the Hell they were doing or hoping to achieve. We are given just two clues: an upside-down cross and the term “Black Mass.” Now I’m no expert but I do believe both are symbols for the Church of Satan. And I only know that because I watch unhealthy amounts of television. How was anyone suppose to know what was going on? What’s the point of a Black Mass? Isn’t the girl supposed to be willing? And I’ve seen a Black Mass preformed (the PG version anyway) and let me tell ya, they don’t wear bishop outfits and perform the ritual in an ordained church. Oh and after all that we’ve put up with that is the dramatic death scene? That was just about the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
What to like about the movie.
The two detectives are a lot fun but Plummer’s partner isn’t in it nearly enough. So it starts strong and slowly winds down. I also loved the fact that Alvin and the Chipmunks were singing backup at the Black Mass. There is some humor that can be drudged up for observation if you try and the film lends itself to riffing fairly well. If you’re a fan of pale-skinned, cottage-cheese ass and distant through-a-shirt nipples then there’s some nudity in here for ya. For the ladies this movie has Peter Sellers in just his underpants and a hairy, winded, naked, sweaty, middle-aged John to enjoy early on. If you’ve ever wondered why the French and the Canadians are the butt of every joke and worth so much distain then this movie might help clear things up for you.
Questions: -Did he just say that all this happened over the course of a day? I have to admit it’s pretty impressive that he can wrap a case that quick.
-Okay, I got that her madam sold her out but was she a member of the cult too or was she just paid enough to let it happen? She was there at the mass and seemed fairly enthusiastic about the whole thing so I guess she could have been a cult member but there weren’t any clear signs.
*The film was originally shot in widescreen which accounts for the cutting off of so much but my explanation is much more funny.
My apologies to any of you maple syrup chugging frogs out there who may have been offended by my observations about your inferior culture and crumby filmmaking.
Just kidding you guys. After all, my girlfriend lives in Canada. ...No seriously. Hmm? Oh she doesn’t have a computer……or a phone. In fact she lives in a cabin without electricity. …How do we talk? Uh, the mail I guess I mean, yes! Definitely by mail. In fact we use trained pigeons to send messages to each other so, yeah. No I’m serious! She’s really real you guys and she’s really a model for Victoria’s Secret. Seriously.
1.24.2008
Product Review: The Film Crew
Title: The Film Crew: The Giant of Marathon
Rating: 4 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Athenian women always have the best jugs.”
It may not be the Bots but at least it’s something.
I’m sure Riff Trax are great but for someone with a lousy computer and no money they’re just a dream for the future. In the meantime my new riff material comes from “The Film Crew” featuring our beloved TV personalities Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even if you don’t fall in love with it I feel it’s important to support the new stuff in order to encourage future work. Though I can’t help but notice that all the episodes of the Film Crew are copyrighted in 2005 and Mike now lives in San Diego so it’s unlikely there will be any more. After all, who would want to make fun of old bad movies and be on camera when you can make fun of any movie you want and just make it available for download?
For those unfamiliar with the series it’s about a small group of men who work providing commentary tracks for movies that have none of their own. These commentaries consist mainly of tearing the movies apart with witty and hilarious quips. There are no silhouettes, fancy sets, characters, puppets, or breaks every thirty minutes. There is a lunch break about halfway through the film as well as intro and outro playlets. With “The Giant of Marathon” there is also some special features including additional work and with “Hollywood After Dark” you get Bill’s “Ode to Lunch” playlet. To those who would say that these skits are less than brilliant I would probably reply by pointing out the facts that the guys aren’t working with extremely well developed characters amidst an elaborate setting that provides easily for humor and distraction. On the Satellite of Love if they needed someone else for the guys to talk to they could just open up that hexoport thing for aliens or have their captures call them on the viewscreen. The captures themselves were their own developed characters with their own sets to interact with which allows for more potential. Considering what they are working with the skits aren’t so bad and at least they’re trying. The special features on “The Giant of Marathon” are actually pretty good. I’m sure that if they had kept up with it they would have eventually developed more set characters and gotten even funnier.
Review: The Italian-made Greco-Roman period movies usually don’t do a lot for me. I would probably count the Hercules episodes of MST3K amongst my least favorites. I would say that this commentary is easily my favorite of the genre and overall is very good. Personally I found it a little tough watching all the animal cruelty but the crew’s ability to vocalize almost exactly want you are thinking eases the pain and even makes you laugh at it. And this is the overall experience of the film. Ordinarily the movie would be painful to watch and the whole time you’d have your own commentary going on inside your head but with the crew there with you, you find yourself agreeing with everything they say and chuckling when you would have just been staring blankly at the screen. The jokes are good and the material itself is delightfully awful on its own. The Lunch Break skit may have been a long setup for an obvious and ultimately unsatisfying payoff but I feel we should cut them a break. I doubt I could do any better and I find it safest just to assume you can’t either. Long story short, buy this DVD.
The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Sorry, I just had sex so you might find me slippery in a few places.”
Review: It’s pretty good but the sound on the movie itself is so bad that it’s hard to fully enjoy it.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Athenian women always have the best jugs.”
It may not be the Bots but at least it’s something.
I’m sure Riff Trax are great but for someone with a lousy computer and no money they’re just a dream for the future. In the meantime my new riff material comes from “The Film Crew” featuring our beloved TV personalities Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even if you don’t fall in love with it I feel it’s important to support the new stuff in order to encourage future work. Though I can’t help but notice that all the episodes of the Film Crew are copyrighted in 2005 and Mike now lives in San Diego so it’s unlikely there will be any more. After all, who would want to make fun of old bad movies and be on camera when you can make fun of any movie you want and just make it available for download?
For those unfamiliar with the series it’s about a small group of men who work providing commentary tracks for movies that have none of their own. These commentaries consist mainly of tearing the movies apart with witty and hilarious quips. There are no silhouettes, fancy sets, characters, puppets, or breaks every thirty minutes. There is a lunch break about halfway through the film as well as intro and outro playlets. With “The Giant of Marathon” there is also some special features including additional work and with “Hollywood After Dark” you get Bill’s “Ode to Lunch” playlet. To those who would say that these skits are less than brilliant I would probably reply by pointing out the facts that the guys aren’t working with extremely well developed characters amidst an elaborate setting that provides easily for humor and distraction. On the Satellite of Love if they needed someone else for the guys to talk to they could just open up that hexoport thing for aliens or have their captures call them on the viewscreen. The captures themselves were their own developed characters with their own sets to interact with which allows for more potential. Considering what they are working with the skits aren’t so bad and at least they’re trying. The special features on “The Giant of Marathon” are actually pretty good. I’m sure that if they had kept up with it they would have eventually developed more set characters and gotten even funnier.
Review: The Italian-made Greco-Roman period movies usually don’t do a lot for me. I would probably count the Hercules episodes of MST3K amongst my least favorites. I would say that this commentary is easily my favorite of the genre and overall is very good. Personally I found it a little tough watching all the animal cruelty but the crew’s ability to vocalize almost exactly want you are thinking eases the pain and even makes you laugh at it. And this is the overall experience of the film. Ordinarily the movie would be painful to watch and the whole time you’d have your own commentary going on inside your head but with the crew there with you, you find yourself agreeing with everything they say and chuckling when you would have just been staring blankly at the screen. The jokes are good and the material itself is delightfully awful on its own. The Lunch Break skit may have been a long setup for an obvious and ultimately unsatisfying payoff but I feel we should cut them a break. I doubt I could do any better and I find it safest just to assume you can’t either. Long story short, buy this DVD.
The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Sorry, I just had sex so you might find me slippery in a few places.”
Review: It’s pretty good but the sound on the movie itself is so bad that it’s hard to fully enjoy it.
1.20.2008
Pulse Review
Title: Pulse (2006)
Rating: 3 out of 5?
Tagline: “You are now infected.”
My Tagline: Sorry but I think that tagline is too funny on it’s own when I think about how the movie is about a bunch dingy college kids.
Favorite Quote: “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.”
Plot Synopsis: This pathetic twerp of a pussy hacker loser somehow finds ghosts living in the cyber-world. After he becomes withdrawn and distant (how can you tell? he’s a hacker) his friends (hacker’s have friends?) get worried about him and Veronica Mars goes in to investigate. Apparently the dude hung himself with his phone cord and much to my surprise people cared. Everyone decides to just get on with their lives but in a terrifying twist his friends begin receiving emails from beyond the grave. This turn of events causes his girlfriend (seriously? he had a girlfriend?) to dig deeper into the mystery. What she eventually uncovers is that the pussy loser not only discovered ghosts living in the binary code universe but he in fact let them out and this bizarre apocalypse painfully unfolds in front of us as the ghosts (or whatever the hell they are) use communication technology to attack humans and travel about our world. Naturally this lone college co-ed is the only one on the planet with the knowledge and guts to save the world. And that’s pretty much it. Well that and, of all things, red tape is somehow capable of stopping the cyber ghosts. Yeah…it’s pretty retarded.
Review: I’m still not sure how I feel about this movie. I haven’t seen the original Japanese version but from what I’ve heard it’s (shock surprise) superior or at the very least makes more sense as far as what the ghost things are and why they are doing whatever the hell it is they are doing to people. But I went into “Pulse” with no preconceived notions or thoughts about it. I had no idea what to expect and was open to any experience. The beginning credits said that Wes Craven was one of the writers and I thought to myself “Oh, maybe this will be a legitimately good horror movie.” I kept waiting to start enjoying the movie and was somehow caught off-guard. I remember thinking “Am I watching another ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ here and don’t even realize it or is this brilliant and I don’t even realize it?” The movie seemed to be so bad but I wasn’t laughing. I was just sort of paralyzed with confusion, “Why the hell would anyone make this movie?” After only one viewing I never could decide if I was watching bad movie gold or a misunderstood brilliant horror movie or what. I feel it is more appropriate to review based my initial impressions but I can tell you that this isn’t a misunderstood brilliant horror movie…or a good horror movie…or an okay horror movie.
Now I realize that Kristen Bell is a somewhat attractive young women (for God’s sake girl, eat something!) but what was the director’s deal with trying to stick the camera up her nose all the time? The close-ups were crazy on everybody but they were constant and to the extreme when it came to Ms. Bell. And it went on for about half the movie. I can just see the producers coming up to the guy after watching the dailies and saying, “Look, Jim, you gotta cool it with these close-ups. I don’t need to be able count each of Gonzalez’s nose hairs or be able to identify the mitochondria of Kirsten’s skin cells.” (that’s a joke for my biology fans out there) The same goes for Ms. Milian’s butt. Yeah it’s a nice butt but come on dude, can you try being a little more obvious? The whole movie is shot using some kind of depressing blue filter that makes everything look very unappealing and horror-movie-ish. There is some lame dialogue which leads to some lame acting coupled with a fucking weird plot that does make you want to like this movie and gives it fun-bad points. The other qualification for fun-bad that this movie has is characters. For a long time it looked like there wasn’t going to be any truly noteworthy characters until Veronica Mars and Boone go to talk to the guy the pussy hacker stole the ghosts from. His scene may be brief but it’s intense and fun. Now there are actually some legitimately good visuals in the movie. The best of course were lifted straight out of the Japanese version. Others like the scene where the cover art comes from looked fairly cool but I found jarring and disturbing as well as unnecessary. I also love that we have almost no connection to the pussy hacker at all. I make fun of him and everything but in truth there is almost nothing in the movie about him. Maybe some flashbacks or something might help us understand why Ms. Bell, or any of them for that matter, would give a shit that he’s dead. We’re just sort of told through exposition that this person was their friend and for no other reason they care and we’re just supposed to relate to them because we’re ordered to. Overall the movie is lame, pessimistic/depressing, and just fucking weird but it is all in good way. This seems like one that won’t be universally received as fun but I believe it is one that must be tried so I shall call it a “must see.”
Questions: -What’s the deal with the red tape? (yes, I understand that they explained it within the movie but that doesn’t change the fact that it was stupid)
-So…the world is over? That seems like a weird ending.
-What exactly was the motivation behind the ghost’s actions?
-Seriously? Ghosts live inside a computer program?
-Why, at first, did the ghost things take a long time to “steal your will to live” but later were like turning people into black ash and absorbing them into walls in the blink of an eye?
-Seriously? Red Tape?
-Did they ever explain what was going on with the videos people were getting on their computers?
-So you’re telling me that hacker dude was fucking Kirsten Bell? That it is what you were implying by telling me that those two were dating. That guy? Where is the justice in this world?
Unrelated observation: -And I used to think that Ms. Bell and Mr. Somerhalder were okay actors but man…I haven’t been seeing that lately.
Rating: 3 out of 5?
Tagline: “You are now infected.”
My Tagline: Sorry but I think that tagline is too funny on it’s own when I think about how the movie is about a bunch dingy college kids.
Favorite Quote: “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.”
Plot Synopsis: This pathetic twerp of a pussy hacker loser somehow finds ghosts living in the cyber-world. After he becomes withdrawn and distant (how can you tell? he’s a hacker) his friends (hacker’s have friends?) get worried about him and Veronica Mars goes in to investigate. Apparently the dude hung himself with his phone cord and much to my surprise people cared. Everyone decides to just get on with their lives but in a terrifying twist his friends begin receiving emails from beyond the grave. This turn of events causes his girlfriend (seriously? he had a girlfriend?) to dig deeper into the mystery. What she eventually uncovers is that the pussy loser not only discovered ghosts living in the binary code universe but he in fact let them out and this bizarre apocalypse painfully unfolds in front of us as the ghosts (or whatever the hell they are) use communication technology to attack humans and travel about our world. Naturally this lone college co-ed is the only one on the planet with the knowledge and guts to save the world. And that’s pretty much it. Well that and, of all things, red tape is somehow capable of stopping the cyber ghosts. Yeah…it’s pretty retarded.
Review: I’m still not sure how I feel about this movie. I haven’t seen the original Japanese version but from what I’ve heard it’s (shock surprise) superior or at the very least makes more sense as far as what the ghost things are and why they are doing whatever the hell it is they are doing to people. But I went into “Pulse” with no preconceived notions or thoughts about it. I had no idea what to expect and was open to any experience. The beginning credits said that Wes Craven was one of the writers and I thought to myself “Oh, maybe this will be a legitimately good horror movie.” I kept waiting to start enjoying the movie and was somehow caught off-guard. I remember thinking “Am I watching another ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ here and don’t even realize it or is this brilliant and I don’t even realize it?” The movie seemed to be so bad but I wasn’t laughing. I was just sort of paralyzed with confusion, “Why the hell would anyone make this movie?” After only one viewing I never could decide if I was watching bad movie gold or a misunderstood brilliant horror movie or what. I feel it is more appropriate to review based my initial impressions but I can tell you that this isn’t a misunderstood brilliant horror movie…or a good horror movie…or an okay horror movie.
Now I realize that Kristen Bell is a somewhat attractive young women (for God’s sake girl, eat something!) but what was the director’s deal with trying to stick the camera up her nose all the time? The close-ups were crazy on everybody but they were constant and to the extreme when it came to Ms. Bell. And it went on for about half the movie. I can just see the producers coming up to the guy after watching the dailies and saying, “Look, Jim, you gotta cool it with these close-ups. I don’t need to be able count each of Gonzalez’s nose hairs or be able to identify the mitochondria of Kirsten’s skin cells.” (that’s a joke for my biology fans out there) The same goes for Ms. Milian’s butt. Yeah it’s a nice butt but come on dude, can you try being a little more obvious? The whole movie is shot using some kind of depressing blue filter that makes everything look very unappealing and horror-movie-ish. There is some lame dialogue which leads to some lame acting coupled with a fucking weird plot that does make you want to like this movie and gives it fun-bad points. The other qualification for fun-bad that this movie has is characters. For a long time it looked like there wasn’t going to be any truly noteworthy characters until Veronica Mars and Boone go to talk to the guy the pussy hacker stole the ghosts from. His scene may be brief but it’s intense and fun. Now there are actually some legitimately good visuals in the movie. The best of course were lifted straight out of the Japanese version. Others like the scene where the cover art comes from looked fairly cool but I found jarring and disturbing as well as unnecessary. I also love that we have almost no connection to the pussy hacker at all. I make fun of him and everything but in truth there is almost nothing in the movie about him. Maybe some flashbacks or something might help us understand why Ms. Bell, or any of them for that matter, would give a shit that he’s dead. We’re just sort of told through exposition that this person was their friend and for no other reason they care and we’re just supposed to relate to them because we’re ordered to. Overall the movie is lame, pessimistic/depressing, and just fucking weird but it is all in good way. This seems like one that won’t be universally received as fun but I believe it is one that must be tried so I shall call it a “must see.”
Questions: -What’s the deal with the red tape? (yes, I understand that they explained it within the movie but that doesn’t change the fact that it was stupid)
-So…the world is over? That seems like a weird ending.
-What exactly was the motivation behind the ghost’s actions?
-Seriously? Ghosts live inside a computer program?
-Why, at first, did the ghost things take a long time to “steal your will to live” but later were like turning people into black ash and absorbing them into walls in the blink of an eye?
-Seriously? Red Tape?
-Did they ever explain what was going on with the videos people were getting on their computers?
-So you’re telling me that hacker dude was fucking Kirsten Bell? That it is what you were implying by telling me that those two were dating. That guy? Where is the justice in this world?
Unrelated observation: -And I used to think that Ms. Bell and Mr. Somerhalder were okay actors but man…I haven’t been seeing that lately.
Werewolf VS The Vampire Women
Title: Werewolf VS The Vampire Women (1971)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “The blood flows like vintage wine.”
My Tagline: “All the terror that slow-motion vampire women and hairy French dudes can provide.”
Favorite Quote: “People say I’m crazy, it makes me so angry.”
Plot Synopsis: Okay, so these French chicks are driving around the French countryside with the intention of making it to some town and somehow manage to get lost and out of gas so they stop at some ruins where they met up with this guy that we witnessed turn into a werewolf earlier in the movie and all this somehow relates to a paper one of them, Elvira, is writing about some dead blood-drinking princess. That much makes since, the rest seems like they just made it up as they went along or something. And my God French people fall in love fast!
Review: Review: Well aside from the fact that it’s French (eww) the movie also appears to have been filmed entirely at the bottom of a cup of coffee. From the get-go you are mislead with a great title. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun with battles between a lone werewolf and a family of female vampires and after you find out it's really nothing the disappointment doesn't set the stage for a fun experience. I’m sure the movie makes sense to somebody out there but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid. I swear that chick must hold some kind of screen record for time spent between meeting a person and falling in love with them and then later stabbing them to set them free of a curse. I don’t get the significance of the slow-mo vampires other then that they were the least terrifying villains ever conceived until the 1976 classic, “Dust Bunnies of Doom” and the later “The Aggressive Itchy Algae of Alpine Nigeria” and of course “Moss of Madness.*” Some of the dialogue is funny (as is the case with most translated movies) and I liked how the movie seemed to almost tease us with the prospect of boob but would always stop just as things were getting hot. I found it difficult to make fun of it MST3K style but no doubt there are much funnier people than I out there so this may be better movie for some. For the time being I stand by my ranking and would say that for most people this isn’t a movie worth trying.
*I completely made all those up.
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “The blood flows like vintage wine.”
My Tagline: “All the terror that slow-motion vampire women and hairy French dudes can provide.”
Favorite Quote: “People say I’m crazy, it makes me so angry.”
Plot Synopsis: Okay, so these French chicks are driving around the French countryside with the intention of making it to some town and somehow manage to get lost and out of gas so they stop at some ruins where they met up with this guy that we witnessed turn into a werewolf earlier in the movie and all this somehow relates to a paper one of them, Elvira, is writing about some dead blood-drinking princess. That much makes since, the rest seems like they just made it up as they went along or something. And my God French people fall in love fast!
Review: Review: Well aside from the fact that it’s French (eww) the movie also appears to have been filmed entirely at the bottom of a cup of coffee. From the get-go you are mislead with a great title. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun with battles between a lone werewolf and a family of female vampires and after you find out it's really nothing the disappointment doesn't set the stage for a fun experience. I’m sure the movie makes sense to somebody out there but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid. I swear that chick must hold some kind of screen record for time spent between meeting a person and falling in love with them and then later stabbing them to set them free of a curse. I don’t get the significance of the slow-mo vampires other then that they were the least terrifying villains ever conceived until the 1976 classic, “Dust Bunnies of Doom” and the later “The Aggressive Itchy Algae of Alpine Nigeria” and of course “Moss of Madness.*” Some of the dialogue is funny (as is the case with most translated movies) and I liked how the movie seemed to almost tease us with the prospect of boob but would always stop just as things were getting hot. I found it difficult to make fun of it MST3K style but no doubt there are much funnier people than I out there so this may be better movie for some. For the time being I stand by my ranking and would say that for most people this isn’t a movie worth trying.
*I completely made all those up.
1.18.2008
Feedback
Yeah…I meant to mention this from the start, I’m really not interested in receiving feedback from anybody. I know this website has a comments feature but that wasn’t my choice. That probably makes me sound like an asshole and it doesn’t fit in with the current perception of Internet behavior but discussion, especially online, is really not my thing. I still find it mind-boggling that people would even read blogs, let alone respond to them. Trying to understand why strangers would want to read what I have to say about movies makes my head hurt. It just seems crazy to me and I can’t understand why it’s so important for some people to get their opinions out there…and of all places on the Internet. People are weird. I’ll never understand it but I can accept it and try to exploit it for money. (which is tough considering how few of you click on the ads) Though I will admit, I do enjoy writing the reviews a little bit.
But to those of you who might consider writing to me about my reviews you should know I’m most likely just going to ignore you and it’s highly unlikely I will publish your comment. Yes, I realize I ask questions about movies for comedic affect but they are meant to be strictly rhetorical and are written because those are the questions that pop up in your mind during or shortly after a movie. I don’t need answers, its just part of the impression the movie made on me.
And I should also mention, while I’m at it, that I don't need any English lessons either. I love run-on sentences and I enjoy beginning sentences with prepositions to give my voice a more oratory feel. And try as I might mistakes just happen and the fact is perfect grammar just isn’t a priority for me.
I bring all this up because earlier someone had this to say about my AVPR review and since they wrote it before this little message I will acknowledge it.
“Actually the Predalien wasn't just using pregnant women, it also used the female bum, and the two people in the diner. And anatomy matters very little to an organism that lays eggs in a living host (like the desert wasp), the young aliens came out of the stomach because they were breed in litters, instead of just one at a time. Seems bizarre as well, unless your a geek (like me) who knows the alien life cycle. The reason for the litters (I know you'll question it) is that the Predalien was a Pretorian. A Pretorian is a class of alien just below the Queen, they produce the royal jelly used to feed the Queen, or in the case of no Queen eaten themselves to become a queen. However Pretorian also have the ability to breed in litters due to the creature being vulnerable alone. Understandable since the Aliens are little more than cockroaches on their homeworld. For full info on Alien life cycle check out wikipedia or better yet read the comics.
The predators "stupid" gun was actually quite impressive if you take it for what it is. It was actually a quick rigged zip gun made from his broken shoulder cannon. I'd sure like to be able to build one in my garage from spare parts.
The gun was then taken to the Yutani corporation, who merges with Weyland Enterprises to become Weyland-Yutani the company who runs the planet by the time of the first Alien movie. It is easy to see how this "stupid" gun could bring about an advancement in technology. Think about it, how much power did that little gun put out? How many advancements could be made just from figuering out the power source? Think a technology company doesn't have reverse engineers?”
Well I will say that I appreciate the fact that this comment’s tone is more informative than argumentative. Not like most people I’ve seen who seem to be trying to pick a fight with people they’ve never met in hopes of yelling at them with their keyboards. So here’s my response:
This is one of those things where it is clearly at least a little important to you and extremely unimportant to me so I’m happy to simply concede and give you reign over the floor on these issues.
It is possible, though unlikely, that my observations of what was going on onscreen were not perfect and I could have missed some impregnations but in my defense the movie was so poorly lit and badly directed that it was nearly impossible to catch everything and my statements reflected the overall impression that most people had about the action onscreen.
And I’m sorry but that gun is stupid. Even if I could rig one up in my garage I wouldn’t because I would be capable of recognizing the fact that hundreds of years of metal-projectile-gun evolution has lead to incredible pieces of technology that are capable of providing a wide array of abilities including rapid-fire, reliability, efficiency, stopping force, accuracy, stealth, as well as many others. I’m sure someone wants to say something about how a gun needs reloaded and I would retort by saying - A.) The psychological affect of knowing that how fast your gun will be reloaded is dependant on your skill instead of some piece of technology is not to be underestimated. B.) A gun can be fired more than once every ten seconds! C.) A gun can be reloaded in less time then it took that thing to charge up. And D.) We were given little indication how much power that thing had left (in fact I seem to remember he had trouble getting to fire) so for all we know in was out of energy ammo by the end and then you’d be left with nothing. With the addition of hundreds of years of bullet technology human guns allow us to do everything from wounding without over-penetration to shredding apart an organism’s insides with bullets that expand when in contact with body-heat but can cut through cold steel like nothing to poison bullets and even incendiary rounds. I would also be worried about becoming the laughing stock of my prey as I stood there helplessly holding my ridiculously stupid stumpy metal shaft with it’s blinking lights and beeping noises giving away my position. I suppose the enemy that has literally been running circles around me could be delayed by laughter long enough for half a charge to build and then I could really show them how scary I can be with a beeping flashlight.
And I will confess that I did struggle with whether or not to include the lines about how silly it seems that one gun would have such a strong effect on the course of human technology. Reverse engineering is pretty effective stuff and it is likely that, while it is a nearly useless weapon, that gun thing would yield some useful information. But all of that takes place outside the movie itself so it doesn’t count.
The most important point I would make is that my review is based on the experience of simply watching AVPR for what it is on it’s own. My review was written from the prospective of someone who walked into the theater with no prior experience with the Alien/Predator universe and therefore I was able to relate to the largest possible audience. Sure, I could spend hours of my time doing research and trying to understand all of the back-story but how many of us ever do that? Very few of us do and one thing needed for a work of art to be considered good is that it can be understood and enjoyed solely on it’s own. To paraphrase The Joker ‘If you have to explain a joke it isn’t funny.’ If a piece of art requires prior knowledge or any research in order for it to just make sense to us then it doesn’t hold up as a worthy piece of art. And yes, I know films contain “nods” to fans with references and things that only those familiar with a universe would get and that is a great but it when you must be familiar with a universe then the artists have failed us. An example of good referencing for fans was at the end when the beeping-robotic-penis-gun is given to the Yutani Chick. All that stuff about who can become impregnated and alien litters and all that nonsense is an example of things that creates confusion in the minds of your average moviegoer if they are not properly presented to us. And it was from that perspective with the confusion about, and impression of, AVPR that I choose to write from in my review as it was something that was experienced (and by the majority) of some people. This was done in hopes that one might read what I had to say about the film and think to themselves, “Yes! Exactly.” It is because of this spirit that I feel my review holds up exactly as it is.
So the short version of this post is: Unless you were involved in the making of one of these movies or have nothing but praise for me then it’s in your best interest to not waste the time it takes to write me as I will most likely just ignore you. Sorry if that makes me an asshole but I had to learn to live with that accusation a loooong time ago and I’m a busy man. But, if I do decide to respond it will be a big response like this posted so that everyone can see our feud. I’m lookin’ at you Uwe.
But to those of you who might consider writing to me about my reviews you should know I’m most likely just going to ignore you and it’s highly unlikely I will publish your comment. Yes, I realize I ask questions about movies for comedic affect but they are meant to be strictly rhetorical and are written because those are the questions that pop up in your mind during or shortly after a movie. I don’t need answers, its just part of the impression the movie made on me.
And I should also mention, while I’m at it, that I don't need any English lessons either. I love run-on sentences and I enjoy beginning sentences with prepositions to give my voice a more oratory feel. And try as I might mistakes just happen and the fact is perfect grammar just isn’t a priority for me.
I bring all this up because earlier someone had this to say about my AVPR review and since they wrote it before this little message I will acknowledge it.
“Actually the Predalien wasn't just using pregnant women, it also used the female bum, and the two people in the diner. And anatomy matters very little to an organism that lays eggs in a living host (like the desert wasp), the young aliens came out of the stomach because they were breed in litters, instead of just one at a time. Seems bizarre as well, unless your a geek (like me) who knows the alien life cycle. The reason for the litters (I know you'll question it) is that the Predalien was a Pretorian. A Pretorian is a class of alien just below the Queen, they produce the royal jelly used to feed the Queen, or in the case of no Queen eaten themselves to become a queen. However Pretorian also have the ability to breed in litters due to the creature being vulnerable alone. Understandable since the Aliens are little more than cockroaches on their homeworld. For full info on Alien life cycle check out wikipedia or better yet read the comics.
The predators "stupid" gun was actually quite impressive if you take it for what it is. It was actually a quick rigged zip gun made from his broken shoulder cannon. I'd sure like to be able to build one in my garage from spare parts.
The gun was then taken to the Yutani corporation, who merges with Weyland Enterprises to become Weyland-Yutani the company who runs the planet by the time of the first Alien movie. It is easy to see how this "stupid" gun could bring about an advancement in technology. Think about it, how much power did that little gun put out? How many advancements could be made just from figuering out the power source? Think a technology company doesn't have reverse engineers?”
Well I will say that I appreciate the fact that this comment’s tone is more informative than argumentative. Not like most people I’ve seen who seem to be trying to pick a fight with people they’ve never met in hopes of yelling at them with their keyboards. So here’s my response:
This is one of those things where it is clearly at least a little important to you and extremely unimportant to me so I’m happy to simply concede and give you reign over the floor on these issues.
It is possible, though unlikely, that my observations of what was going on onscreen were not perfect and I could have missed some impregnations but in my defense the movie was so poorly lit and badly directed that it was nearly impossible to catch everything and my statements reflected the overall impression that most people had about the action onscreen.
And I’m sorry but that gun is stupid. Even if I could rig one up in my garage I wouldn’t because I would be capable of recognizing the fact that hundreds of years of metal-projectile-gun evolution has lead to incredible pieces of technology that are capable of providing a wide array of abilities including rapid-fire, reliability, efficiency, stopping force, accuracy, stealth, as well as many others. I’m sure someone wants to say something about how a gun needs reloaded and I would retort by saying - A.) The psychological affect of knowing that how fast your gun will be reloaded is dependant on your skill instead of some piece of technology is not to be underestimated. B.) A gun can be fired more than once every ten seconds! C.) A gun can be reloaded in less time then it took that thing to charge up. And D.) We were given little indication how much power that thing had left (in fact I seem to remember he had trouble getting to fire) so for all we know in was out of energy ammo by the end and then you’d be left with nothing. With the addition of hundreds of years of bullet technology human guns allow us to do everything from wounding without over-penetration to shredding apart an organism’s insides with bullets that expand when in contact with body-heat but can cut through cold steel like nothing to poison bullets and even incendiary rounds. I would also be worried about becoming the laughing stock of my prey as I stood there helplessly holding my ridiculously stupid stumpy metal shaft with it’s blinking lights and beeping noises giving away my position. I suppose the enemy that has literally been running circles around me could be delayed by laughter long enough for half a charge to build and then I could really show them how scary I can be with a beeping flashlight.
And I will confess that I did struggle with whether or not to include the lines about how silly it seems that one gun would have such a strong effect on the course of human technology. Reverse engineering is pretty effective stuff and it is likely that, while it is a nearly useless weapon, that gun thing would yield some useful information. But all of that takes place outside the movie itself so it doesn’t count.
The most important point I would make is that my review is based on the experience of simply watching AVPR for what it is on it’s own. My review was written from the prospective of someone who walked into the theater with no prior experience with the Alien/Predator universe and therefore I was able to relate to the largest possible audience. Sure, I could spend hours of my time doing research and trying to understand all of the back-story but how many of us ever do that? Very few of us do and one thing needed for a work of art to be considered good is that it can be understood and enjoyed solely on it’s own. To paraphrase The Joker ‘If you have to explain a joke it isn’t funny.’ If a piece of art requires prior knowledge or any research in order for it to just make sense to us then it doesn’t hold up as a worthy piece of art. And yes, I know films contain “nods” to fans with references and things that only those familiar with a universe would get and that is a great but it when you must be familiar with a universe then the artists have failed us. An example of good referencing for fans was at the end when the beeping-robotic-penis-gun is given to the Yutani Chick. All that stuff about who can become impregnated and alien litters and all that nonsense is an example of things that creates confusion in the minds of your average moviegoer if they are not properly presented to us. And it was from that perspective with the confusion about, and impression of, AVPR that I choose to write from in my review as it was something that was experienced (and by the majority) of some people. This was done in hopes that one might read what I had to say about the film and think to themselves, “Yes! Exactly.” It is because of this spirit that I feel my review holds up exactly as it is.
So the short version of this post is: Unless you were involved in the making of one of these movies or have nothing but praise for me then it’s in your best interest to not waste the time it takes to write me as I will most likely just ignore you. Sorry if that makes me an asshole but I had to learn to live with that accusation a loooong time ago and I’m a busy man. But, if I do decide to respond it will be a big response like this posted so that everyone can see our feud. I’m lookin’ at you Uwe.
1.13.2008
Night Train to Terror Review
Title: Night Train to Terror a.k.a. Shiver a.k.a. The Nightmare Never Ends (1985)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “A one way ticket to Hell…and beyond.”
My Tagline: “Dance with me, dance with me.”
Favorite Quote: “Excuse me while I smoke.”
Plot Synopsis: It’s pretty hard to tell just what the hell is going on but it would seem that during a routine judging of souls by God and Satan, that for some reason takes place on a train, which determines where the dead will go in the afterlife they pick up an 80’s band with the intention of killing them all in a horrible train wreck. (this movie’s a train wreck alright) Although they rarely judge those who are actually dead yet we watch on as the two of them view short movies reenacting a brief period of life experienced by the souls in question. There are three souls being debated over (I guess the Grim Reaper knocked off early that day or something) and each one gets their own movie for us to watch. They are all very strange and it’s like getting three fun-bad movies for the price of one. The first follows one man’s tragic tale of drug-induced hypnosis where he is forced to bring young women to a clinic where some rather nasty things happen to them shortly after they arrive. The second appears to be some kind of continuation of the director’s first film, “Death Wish Club” a.k.a. “Carnival of Fools.” In this bizarre tale two young people are forced to participate in death games likened to Russian Roulette after they piss off some middle aged guy. In the third and final chapter an aged holocaust survivor recognizes the murderer of his family on the television and proceeds to tell his cop neighbor who makes it his personal mission to bring the man to justice. And for reasons still beyond me we also get to watch the director’s son break-dance between segments.
Review: If you are like me you will fall in love with this movie within the first two minutes. It’s just that good. Sparse and abrupt narration attacks your senses in a desperate attempt to make sense out of the images that are flickering in front of your face. Hilarious continuity and the recycling of actors keeps you on your toes as you struggle find meaning in a movie that contradicts itself so badly in back-to-back scenes. It was made before the advent of available CGI so whenever something fantastic happens it will cut to a scene of claymation reminiscent of “Celebrity Deathmatch.” The concepts for the individual stories are actually really good and potentially interesting but they are so short and executed so foolishly that they never really had a chance to be good. Though I have to say all the actors were brilliant in their own way, very entertaining to watch. Plus you get to see Night Court’s Bailiff Shannon strangle naked women which is always fun. Oh, it also has Kalgan AND Diabolik! This is actually a great film for MST3K fans because it also has Commander Alex Jansen (or Santa) from “Space Mutiny” and I’m not sure but I think the roundhouse lighthouse is from “Wild Rebels.” And, amazingly, according to the film’s credits the crew actually managed to get God and Satan to play themselves. Incredible. I also enjoy the fact that despite the presence of the Prince of Darkness himself, Bailiff Bull sawing woman into pieces while they’re still alive, a Hell-sent demon committing genocide, and a man who looks like Mike Huckabee forcing people to participate in elaborate death games the creepiest guy in the whole movie is the humble train conductor. I hope I haven’t over-hyped the movie too much but I just love it and I bet if you give it a chance you will too.
After you see the movie you will more than likely be left with many questions, chief among them will be as follows but I would recommend you watch the movie first…
-What the fuck is the deal with the break-dancing teenagers?
-Only one of the main people they are examining is even dead yet so why are they even doing this?
-Okay, I can forgive the fact that the girl’s hair is cut like a man’s and I thought she was a new character in one scene and then it’s back down to her shoulder blades in the next but why was there so much animosity between the two young lovers in the short hair scene if in the next the narrator was just going to explain that they somehow managed to escape and now live together because they were just so much in love?
-So just why is the train conductor so damn creepy?
-Why was Kalgan being judged so harshly when he was kidnapped, drugged up, hypnotized, and being forced against his will? Just what exactly did he do wrong? Get in that car wreck? Is that all it takes to be damned to Hell? And why was he even being judged at all? He wasn’t dead yet!
-So you’re really going to end the movie like that huh? You’re really going to end it on a mutilating train wreck and with Satan’s minion running amok on Earth forever?
-So God’s brilliant idea to deal with the Devil is to leave him on Earth? No Hell or anything, just stuck on Earth with us to deal with? Thanks God, really appreciate it.
-Oh yeah, I thought Satan was already supposed to live in Hell? What’s all this about casting him down to Earth and threatening him by saying you will open the gates of Hell?
-So what exactly was the point of Papini?
-So was that piano-playing chick just stoned out of her mind 24/7? (She’s the best thing in the whole movie by the way)
-Is there maybe an extended director’s cut I can get my hands on?
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “A one way ticket to Hell…and beyond.”
My Tagline: “Dance with me, dance with me.”
Favorite Quote: “Excuse me while I smoke.”
Plot Synopsis: It’s pretty hard to tell just what the hell is going on but it would seem that during a routine judging of souls by God and Satan, that for some reason takes place on a train, which determines where the dead will go in the afterlife they pick up an 80’s band with the intention of killing them all in a horrible train wreck. (this movie’s a train wreck alright) Although they rarely judge those who are actually dead yet we watch on as the two of them view short movies reenacting a brief period of life experienced by the souls in question. There are three souls being debated over (I guess the Grim Reaper knocked off early that day or something) and each one gets their own movie for us to watch. They are all very strange and it’s like getting three fun-bad movies for the price of one. The first follows one man’s tragic tale of drug-induced hypnosis where he is forced to bring young women to a clinic where some rather nasty things happen to them shortly after they arrive. The second appears to be some kind of continuation of the director’s first film, “Death Wish Club” a.k.a. “Carnival of Fools.” In this bizarre tale two young people are forced to participate in death games likened to Russian Roulette after they piss off some middle aged guy. In the third and final chapter an aged holocaust survivor recognizes the murderer of his family on the television and proceeds to tell his cop neighbor who makes it his personal mission to bring the man to justice. And for reasons still beyond me we also get to watch the director’s son break-dance between segments.
Review: If you are like me you will fall in love with this movie within the first two minutes. It’s just that good. Sparse and abrupt narration attacks your senses in a desperate attempt to make sense out of the images that are flickering in front of your face. Hilarious continuity and the recycling of actors keeps you on your toes as you struggle find meaning in a movie that contradicts itself so badly in back-to-back scenes. It was made before the advent of available CGI so whenever something fantastic happens it will cut to a scene of claymation reminiscent of “Celebrity Deathmatch.” The concepts for the individual stories are actually really good and potentially interesting but they are so short and executed so foolishly that they never really had a chance to be good. Though I have to say all the actors were brilliant in their own way, very entertaining to watch. Plus you get to see Night Court’s Bailiff Shannon strangle naked women which is always fun. Oh, it also has Kalgan AND Diabolik! This is actually a great film for MST3K fans because it also has Commander Alex Jansen (or Santa) from “Space Mutiny” and I’m not sure but I think the roundhouse lighthouse is from “Wild Rebels.” And, amazingly, according to the film’s credits the crew actually managed to get God and Satan to play themselves. Incredible. I also enjoy the fact that despite the presence of the Prince of Darkness himself, Bailiff Bull sawing woman into pieces while they’re still alive, a Hell-sent demon committing genocide, and a man who looks like Mike Huckabee forcing people to participate in elaborate death games the creepiest guy in the whole movie is the humble train conductor. I hope I haven’t over-hyped the movie too much but I just love it and I bet if you give it a chance you will too.
After you see the movie you will more than likely be left with many questions, chief among them will be as follows but I would recommend you watch the movie first…
-What the fuck is the deal with the break-dancing teenagers?
-Only one of the main people they are examining is even dead yet so why are they even doing this?
-Okay, I can forgive the fact that the girl’s hair is cut like a man’s and I thought she was a new character in one scene and then it’s back down to her shoulder blades in the next but why was there so much animosity between the two young lovers in the short hair scene if in the next the narrator was just going to explain that they somehow managed to escape and now live together because they were just so much in love?
-So just why is the train conductor so damn creepy?
-Why was Kalgan being judged so harshly when he was kidnapped, drugged up, hypnotized, and being forced against his will? Just what exactly did he do wrong? Get in that car wreck? Is that all it takes to be damned to Hell? And why was he even being judged at all? He wasn’t dead yet!
-So you’re really going to end the movie like that huh? You’re really going to end it on a mutilating train wreck and with Satan’s minion running amok on Earth forever?
-So God’s brilliant idea to deal with the Devil is to leave him on Earth? No Hell or anything, just stuck on Earth with us to deal with? Thanks God, really appreciate it.
-Oh yeah, I thought Satan was already supposed to live in Hell? What’s all this about casting him down to Earth and threatening him by saying you will open the gates of Hell?
-So what exactly was the point of Papini?
-So was that piano-playing chick just stoned out of her mind 24/7? (She’s the best thing in the whole movie by the way)
-Is there maybe an extended director’s cut I can get my hands on?
Alone in the Dark Review
Title: Alone in the Dark (2005)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “Evil Awakens.”
My Tagline: “Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive.”
Favorite Quote: “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.”
Plot Synopsis: Apparently you can get employment as a paranormal detective and one of them, Edward Carnby, (brought to life by the incredible Christian Slater) is looking into the mysterious death of a friend of his. This rough slab of hunky man-meat travels light but, “Carries enough baggage for the both of us.” During his investigation he unravels an intricate and brilliantly written tapestry of ancient evil, fascinating history, conspiracies, and wacky scientists. Eventually it becomes evident that Mr. Carnby is dealing with much more than a simple supernatural murder case but is in fact on a path that will lead him to a showdown between the forces of sorta good and these mostly evil invisible monster things that simply must end with he and his spunky, or spunk filled, companion Tara Reid (yeah, you kind of have to with “spunk filled” when referring to Ms. Reid) succeeding in sealing the portal to whatever dimension those monster things live in. And just to change things up our protagonist has a troubled past he must content with while on his adventure and rest assured we are privy to every second of it.
Review: Looks like Uwe Boll is at it again…
Well without out a doubt this film contains Tara Reid’s finest performance. And that’s really the magic of Uwe Boll. Not only is he willing to spend the majority of his budgets to get B-list celebrities to be in his movies but through the power of his own charisma and natural directing brilliance he is able to draw from those actors stellar performances the likes of which rarely blaze across the sliver screen. We are indeed blessed and this movie is classic Boll. The script is hilarious and despite having plenty of money the CGI looks like something you would see during a History Channel reenactment. But here’s the best part, Mr. Boll claims that it is the greatest special effects, and indeed movie, in existence. Well, until his next film came out anyway. And that’s what makes ol’ Uwe so great. Despite the fact his movies are the equivalent to running a reel of celluloid between his butt cheeks he earnestly believes he is God’s gift to moviegoers. I guess in a way he is God’s gift to bad moviegoers. Well I don’t want to over-hype this movie so just go watch it. I promise it’s very stupid. Oh and keep an eye out for the part where a dead solider gets up just before the jump to the next scene. Awesome.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “Evil Awakens.”
My Tagline: “Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive.”
Favorite Quote: “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.”
Plot Synopsis: Apparently you can get employment as a paranormal detective and one of them, Edward Carnby, (brought to life by the incredible Christian Slater) is looking into the mysterious death of a friend of his. This rough slab of hunky man-meat travels light but, “Carries enough baggage for the both of us.” During his investigation he unravels an intricate and brilliantly written tapestry of ancient evil, fascinating history, conspiracies, and wacky scientists. Eventually it becomes evident that Mr. Carnby is dealing with much more than a simple supernatural murder case but is in fact on a path that will lead him to a showdown between the forces of sorta good and these mostly evil invisible monster things that simply must end with he and his spunky, or spunk filled, companion Tara Reid (yeah, you kind of have to with “spunk filled” when referring to Ms. Reid) succeeding in sealing the portal to whatever dimension those monster things live in. And just to change things up our protagonist has a troubled past he must content with while on his adventure and rest assured we are privy to every second of it.
Review: Looks like Uwe Boll is at it again…
Well without out a doubt this film contains Tara Reid’s finest performance. And that’s really the magic of Uwe Boll. Not only is he willing to spend the majority of his budgets to get B-list celebrities to be in his movies but through the power of his own charisma and natural directing brilliance he is able to draw from those actors stellar performances the likes of which rarely blaze across the sliver screen. We are indeed blessed and this movie is classic Boll. The script is hilarious and despite having plenty of money the CGI looks like something you would see during a History Channel reenactment. But here’s the best part, Mr. Boll claims that it is the greatest special effects, and indeed movie, in existence. Well, until his next film came out anyway. And that’s what makes ol’ Uwe so great. Despite the fact his movies are the equivalent to running a reel of celluloid between his butt cheeks he earnestly believes he is God’s gift to moviegoers. I guess in a way he is God’s gift to bad moviegoers. Well I don’t want to over-hype this movie so just go watch it. I promise it’s very stupid. Oh and keep an eye out for the part where a dead solider gets up just before the jump to the next scene. Awesome.
Space Zombie Bingo!!! Review
Title: Space Zombie Bingo!!! (1993)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Life’s a beach, even in Space!”
My Tagline: “There’s only one thing worse than Vampiric backgammon…Space Zombie Bingo!!!”
Favorite Quote: “Yes, from the stench of the grave true love will always blossom.”
Plot Synopsis: The Earth is in grave danger when a gang of flesh-eating zombies from outer space take on menacing military macho men. The future of the world rest solely on the shoulders of the Zombie Defense Corps and their incredulous leader, Major Kent Bendover. Will Major Bendover and his moronic kitchen utensil-bearing troops have what it takes to battle these horrifying space invaders, or will the entire universe crumble to become a Space Zombie Bingo!?!?
Review: I may have ranked this one a little high but I can’t help but have a soft spot for this film. First because it has probably the second greatest movie title in all of human history and second because it’s obvious they tried really hard and had very few resources. The zombies from outer space are waddling around in welder’s masks and scuba gear for crying out loud. They have some of decent original music and some great concepts (news-clown) and the whole thing feels like just a few friends trying to piece together a little movie for kicks. I find myself wanting to support such artistic creations and if nothing else it does have one memorable scene, an extremely memorable scene. This B-movie is also not an attempt to be a dramatic film that falls short like most of these movies but instead is a legitimate attempt at comedy and it’s clear the filmmaker’s knew what kind of movie they were making. The writing is clever, fun, and riddled with Ed Wood parody. Some of the jokes may fall flat and it has some sound problems but overall I believe this film is a “must see” for bad movie fans. It’s unique, brave, fun, short, and a nominee for the title of “classic.”
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Life’s a beach, even in Space!”
My Tagline: “There’s only one thing worse than Vampiric backgammon…Space Zombie Bingo!!!”
Favorite Quote: “Yes, from the stench of the grave true love will always blossom.”
Plot Synopsis: The Earth is in grave danger when a gang of flesh-eating zombies from outer space take on menacing military macho men. The future of the world rest solely on the shoulders of the Zombie Defense Corps and their incredulous leader, Major Kent Bendover. Will Major Bendover and his moronic kitchen utensil-bearing troops have what it takes to battle these horrifying space invaders, or will the entire universe crumble to become a Space Zombie Bingo!?!?
Review: I may have ranked this one a little high but I can’t help but have a soft spot for this film. First because it has probably the second greatest movie title in all of human history and second because it’s obvious they tried really hard and had very few resources. The zombies from outer space are waddling around in welder’s masks and scuba gear for crying out loud. They have some of decent original music and some great concepts (news-clown) and the whole thing feels like just a few friends trying to piece together a little movie for kicks. I find myself wanting to support such artistic creations and if nothing else it does have one memorable scene, an extremely memorable scene. This B-movie is also not an attempt to be a dramatic film that falls short like most of these movies but instead is a legitimate attempt at comedy and it’s clear the filmmaker’s knew what kind of movie they were making. The writing is clever, fun, and riddled with Ed Wood parody. Some of the jokes may fall flat and it has some sound problems but overall I believe this film is a “must see” for bad movie fans. It’s unique, brave, fun, short, and a nominee for the title of “classic.”
1.06.2008
Rave to the Grave Review
Title: Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)
Rating 4 out of 5
Tagline: “They will Eat Your Brains Out!”
My Tagline: “Drop a hit of Z, blow your mind, and eat your friend’s.”
Favorite Quote: “Damn girl, I usually don’t get that unless I take you to the Olive Garden.”
Plot Synopsis: A group of college students come into possession of the chemical substance that causes the zombification witnessed throughout the “Return of the Living Dead” series and uses it to create a new drug called “Z” which they distribute with great success throughout campus. As time passes those who have taken the drug begin to exhibit strange symptoms and after enough time finally turn into flesh-eating zombies. Two Interpol agents are on the trail of the barrels that contain the chemical agent and are determined to shut down the students operation and retrieve the chemicals. The quests for the obtainment of wealth by our heroes, the obtainment of the zombie chemical by the Interpol agents, and the obtainment of a good time by the college campus residents all leads to the final culmination of a massive rave held on Halloween night where the climax of the film is experienced.
Review: This film does not deserve to put in a “Bad Movie Archive.” It is a legitimately funny comedy and great movie. However I find it underrated throughout the world and I feel this is wrong and that this movie deserves to have the truth about it be told. I suppose it is possible people did not understand that this movie is a comedy. I do not know how this misunderstanding could be but there is a lot I do not understand about people’s film habits. What is there to say except that this movie is really funny and is not meant to be taken seriously? It helps if you have seen some of the previous incarnations but I only strongly recommend the first “Return of the Living Dead.” It’s not often that comedy that comes from a low budget cable network movie is derived from clever and sometimes subtle jokes, which is what makes this movie so special. You are not necessarily laughing at how stupid the movie is or at mistakes that were made but at intentional attempts to get the audience to laugh that, much to my surprise, actually worked. Perhaps this surprise is what lead me to feel the way I did when I first saw the movie and the low rating by others has lead me to feel the way I do now but if you make an attempt to view this movie open-minded without the programming of others then I trust you will, at very least, enjoy some moments this film has to offer.
Rating 4 out of 5
Tagline: “They will Eat Your Brains Out!”
My Tagline: “Drop a hit of Z, blow your mind, and eat your friend’s.”
Favorite Quote: “Damn girl, I usually don’t get that unless I take you to the Olive Garden.”
Plot Synopsis: A group of college students come into possession of the chemical substance that causes the zombification witnessed throughout the “Return of the Living Dead” series and uses it to create a new drug called “Z” which they distribute with great success throughout campus. As time passes those who have taken the drug begin to exhibit strange symptoms and after enough time finally turn into flesh-eating zombies. Two Interpol agents are on the trail of the barrels that contain the chemical agent and are determined to shut down the students operation and retrieve the chemicals. The quests for the obtainment of wealth by our heroes, the obtainment of the zombie chemical by the Interpol agents, and the obtainment of a good time by the college campus residents all leads to the final culmination of a massive rave held on Halloween night where the climax of the film is experienced.
Review: This film does not deserve to put in a “Bad Movie Archive.” It is a legitimately funny comedy and great movie. However I find it underrated throughout the world and I feel this is wrong and that this movie deserves to have the truth about it be told. I suppose it is possible people did not understand that this movie is a comedy. I do not know how this misunderstanding could be but there is a lot I do not understand about people’s film habits. What is there to say except that this movie is really funny and is not meant to be taken seriously? It helps if you have seen some of the previous incarnations but I only strongly recommend the first “Return of the Living Dead.” It’s not often that comedy that comes from a low budget cable network movie is derived from clever and sometimes subtle jokes, which is what makes this movie so special. You are not necessarily laughing at how stupid the movie is or at mistakes that were made but at intentional attempts to get the audience to laugh that, much to my surprise, actually worked. Perhaps this surprise is what lead me to feel the way I did when I first saw the movie and the low rating by others has lead me to feel the way I do now but if you make an attempt to view this movie open-minded without the programming of others then I trust you will, at very least, enjoy some moments this film has to offer.
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates Review
Title: Curse of the Cannibal Confederates a.k.a. The Curse of the Screaming Dead (1982)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “The South shall rise again…and again!”
My Tagline: “The South is dead. They just don’t know it yet.”
Plot Synopsis: Some asshole hunters drag their girlfriends out to the woods to do some illegal game shootin’ with banned bullets. While wandering around they happen to come across some relics of the War of Northern Aggression and seem to think they’ll get rich. (well, the lead asshole does anyway) Shortly after pilfering the dead’s last earthly remains some kind of zombie-like things show up and cause trouble for the assholes. The end.
Review: You’d think with a title like that and a plot involving confederate zombies this would be a great movie wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. I admit it doesn’t help that the cast looks like younger versions of my patriarchal line but this film really has so little going for it. Weak sound acerbates the character problems and amateur filmmaking just comes off as annoying. Now if you like watching the same couple glitter filled zombie head explosions over and over again then this movie would be right up your alley. But for those of us who just want to find those few diamonds that lay hidden amongst turds this movie is a turd.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “The South shall rise again…and again!”
My Tagline: “The South is dead. They just don’t know it yet.”
Plot Synopsis: Some asshole hunters drag their girlfriends out to the woods to do some illegal game shootin’ with banned bullets. While wandering around they happen to come across some relics of the War of Northern Aggression and seem to think they’ll get rich. (well, the lead asshole does anyway) Shortly after pilfering the dead’s last earthly remains some kind of zombie-like things show up and cause trouble for the assholes. The end.
Review: You’d think with a title like that and a plot involving confederate zombies this would be a great movie wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. I admit it doesn’t help that the cast looks like younger versions of my patriarchal line but this film really has so little going for it. Weak sound acerbates the character problems and amateur filmmaking just comes off as annoying. Now if you like watching the same couple glitter filled zombie head explosions over and over again then this movie would be right up your alley. But for those of us who just want to find those few diamonds that lay hidden amongst turds this movie is a turd.
1.01.2008
AVPR Review
Title: Alien VS Predator: Requiem (2007)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “This Christmas there will be no peace on Earth.”
My Tagline: “A requiem of Predalien head explosions.”
Favorite Quote: “Directed by the Brothers Strause.”
Plot Synopsis: Picking up right where the last one left off an Alien/Predator hybrid or “Predalien” sends a Predator vessel crashing into Earth near the little Colorado town of Gunnison. Before the ship goes down the Predators aboard sent out a distress call that makes it back to the Predator homeworld and reinforcements are dispatched, in the form of one dude that the makers of the movie refer to as "The Wolf." It isn’t long before the Predalien beast and it's "facehuggers" start trouble by impregnating a hunter and his son as well as some bums living in these drainage tunnel things. Not only does this process kill the hosts but it also brings to life those familiar xenomorphs from the Alien movies. Why aren’t they also illegitimate Predalien love children? You tell me. The Predator, the wolf one, makes it to Earth in record time and begins his hunt. After salvaging some weapons from the crashed vessel the Predator gets down to business and the hunt is on. From there on the poor humans of Gunnison are caught in the middle between one species that wants to use their bodies as hosts and another who doesn’t want the humans to be aware of their existence and has no problem blowing up their heads or skinning them alive if they are in his way.
Review: This movie is a though one because it makes you fall in love with these beautiful, complex characters and just as you really start to care and give your heart to them they get gutted, exploded, mangled, or disemboweled. It’s simply gut-wrenching. In addition to half the movie being people looking for other people out in the woods our scary Predalien monster sounds like the name of some perennial flower and looks like…well, pretty much like what you’d think a Predator/Alien hybrid would look like. (you get twice the mileage with a Predator/Alien hybrid by the way) The Predator’s equipment is so sophisticated that committing genocide against the aliens is as simple as microwaving a burrito and it slightly takes away from the terror of the previous Alien movies. Then the final melee between the guy in the Predator outfit and the guy in the Predalien outfit was such a lumbering mess that it made a fist fight between Godzilla and Mechagodzilla look like a swift-footed battle out of a Bruce Lee movie. There are some funny shots, some funny lines, some great moments, lots of head explosions and other fun gore and of course the whole thing makes almost no sense whatsoever. So overall it's a good fun-bad movie.
Questions: -What’s the deal with the Predalien being able to impregnate only already pregnant women? That doesn’t make any damn since! For one thing the stomach isn’t the path to the uterus fellas! Get yourself an anatomy book.
-Isn’t that little plasma gun the Predator had really stupid? I mean, you have to sit there and let in charge up while these quick and agile aliens are running circles around you. I’ll take a good old fashioned, rapid-fire, extremely customizable, human-made gun any day. And wasn’t his targeting system a little simple? And at the end of the movie they basically indicated that the capture of that stupid little thing was somehow responsible for almost the entire future technological advancement of mankind. Come on!
-And what’s the deal with the “Requiem” part of the title? It makes it sound like some independent movie or student film.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “This Christmas there will be no peace on Earth.”
My Tagline: “A requiem of Predalien head explosions.”
Favorite Quote: “Directed by the Brothers Strause.”
Plot Synopsis: Picking up right where the last one left off an Alien/Predator hybrid or “Predalien” sends a Predator vessel crashing into Earth near the little Colorado town of Gunnison. Before the ship goes down the Predators aboard sent out a distress call that makes it back to the Predator homeworld and reinforcements are dispatched, in the form of one dude that the makers of the movie refer to as "The Wolf." It isn’t long before the Predalien beast and it's "facehuggers" start trouble by impregnating a hunter and his son as well as some bums living in these drainage tunnel things. Not only does this process kill the hosts but it also brings to life those familiar xenomorphs from the Alien movies. Why aren’t they also illegitimate Predalien love children? You tell me. The Predator, the wolf one, makes it to Earth in record time and begins his hunt. After salvaging some weapons from the crashed vessel the Predator gets down to business and the hunt is on. From there on the poor humans of Gunnison are caught in the middle between one species that wants to use their bodies as hosts and another who doesn’t want the humans to be aware of their existence and has no problem blowing up their heads or skinning them alive if they are in his way.
Review: This movie is a though one because it makes you fall in love with these beautiful, complex characters and just as you really start to care and give your heart to them they get gutted, exploded, mangled, or disemboweled. It’s simply gut-wrenching. In addition to half the movie being people looking for other people out in the woods our scary Predalien monster sounds like the name of some perennial flower and looks like…well, pretty much like what you’d think a Predator/Alien hybrid would look like. (you get twice the mileage with a Predator/Alien hybrid by the way) The Predator’s equipment is so sophisticated that committing genocide against the aliens is as simple as microwaving a burrito and it slightly takes away from the terror of the previous Alien movies. Then the final melee between the guy in the Predator outfit and the guy in the Predalien outfit was such a lumbering mess that it made a fist fight between Godzilla and Mechagodzilla look like a swift-footed battle out of a Bruce Lee movie. There are some funny shots, some funny lines, some great moments, lots of head explosions and other fun gore and of course the whole thing makes almost no sense whatsoever. So overall it's a good fun-bad movie.
Questions: -What’s the deal with the Predalien being able to impregnate only already pregnant women? That doesn’t make any damn since! For one thing the stomach isn’t the path to the uterus fellas! Get yourself an anatomy book.
-Isn’t that little plasma gun the Predator had really stupid? I mean, you have to sit there and let in charge up while these quick and agile aliens are running circles around you. I’ll take a good old fashioned, rapid-fire, extremely customizable, human-made gun any day. And wasn’t his targeting system a little simple? And at the end of the movie they basically indicated that the capture of that stupid little thing was somehow responsible for almost the entire future technological advancement of mankind. Come on!
-And what’s the deal with the “Requiem” part of the title? It makes it sound like some independent movie or student film.
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