Title: Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell! (1990)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “She was a bombshell from Brooklyn on a cross country ride to Hell!”
My Tagline: “It’s just as dirty as it sounds!”
Favorite Quote: “Feel the hard-on of sin!”
Plot Synopsis: A chick, or bombshell, gets worried about her twin sister because she has these feelings that she is in danger. The bombshell sets out to investigate and unwittingly unravels an unholy union of unkempt Unitarians bent on usurping the lord and bringing unending darkness by uniformly euthanizing young women and uplifting Satan through their uterus. Along the way the bombshell teams up with a hunky guy and a scraggly sheriff. Together the big strong men help the hapless hussy bring about the desired conclusion. Well, not my desired conclusion of a blood orgy ushering the prince of darkness into the world setting upon this Earth a thousand years of perilous darkness but the desired conclusion of some.
Review: This movie’s got titties, fights with cults, chase scenes, human sacrifice, rape, decent music, one of the greatest titles ever and possibly the greatest line in all of cinematic history. What more do you need? I’m not sure what it is about cult movies but it’s next to impossible to do a good one. This phenomena leads to some great bad movie fodder like this movie and others like “Final Sacrifice.” One thing about this movie is that it takes some of the major themes and events that occur in several other movies and depicts them more graphically then its contemporaries, elevating to a level by which other films shall be judged. It’s also a lot of fun to pick apart while you are watching as it is teaming with those things that make you ask those movie questions like, “Why did they…?” and “How come they didn’t just…?” or “But…?” It’s a bit long for the kind of movie it is but those odd scenes that are dwelt upon by the filmmakers adds to the strangeness factor that is necessary for fun-bad movies. Those scenes that make you ask, “Why am I watching this?” and “What were they thinking?” It will make you laugh, make you think, and if you are lucky by the end you will truly know what it means to feel the hard-on of sin.
12.20.2007
Wereworf in a Girl's Dormitory Review
Title: Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory or Lycanthropus (1961)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Beauties! The prey of a monster’s desires!”
My Tagline: “I know it sounds dirty but it’s clean I swear!”
Favorite Quote: “Hey, his right hand is hurt!”
Plot Synopsis: Someone or something is killing people at an all girls’ school. Well the logical conclusion would be that it’s the newly arrived male teacher with a troubled past right? The “new high in horror” begins when one of the students gets taken out due to her promiscuous behavior with older men. Again, I know it sounds hot but trust me there’s nothing good here. As the plot unfolds dark themes of blackmail, mindless suspicion, and decent reveal themselves against the picturesque setting of a school in the mountains that is locked in the grip of terror at the hands of a beastly monster.
Review: It’s funny, this movie is bad but it’s actually not bad enough. Not that it’s great or anything but there isn’t anything all that memorable. There are no great lines delivered by kooky characters or fun flaws that had to have been deliberately left in. There’s a mystery with some suspects and we the audience are privy to some information that not all the characters are. We are not following a detective type character but are instead watching the events unfold in front of us without getting to see the complete picture eventually resulting in an attempt at shock. The almost complete lack of a werewolf also holds the film back considerably. If you are in the mood for a fun-bad movie then this is not a film for you. However if you are in the mood for an earlier film that isn’t all that bad and is more of a victim of the times in was made then this may be one for you.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Beauties! The prey of a monster’s desires!”
My Tagline: “I know it sounds dirty but it’s clean I swear!”
Favorite Quote: “Hey, his right hand is hurt!”
Plot Synopsis: Someone or something is killing people at an all girls’ school. Well the logical conclusion would be that it’s the newly arrived male teacher with a troubled past right? The “new high in horror” begins when one of the students gets taken out due to her promiscuous behavior with older men. Again, I know it sounds hot but trust me there’s nothing good here. As the plot unfolds dark themes of blackmail, mindless suspicion, and decent reveal themselves against the picturesque setting of a school in the mountains that is locked in the grip of terror at the hands of a beastly monster.
Review: It’s funny, this movie is bad but it’s actually not bad enough. Not that it’s great or anything but there isn’t anything all that memorable. There are no great lines delivered by kooky characters or fun flaws that had to have been deliberately left in. There’s a mystery with some suspects and we the audience are privy to some information that not all the characters are. We are not following a detective type character but are instead watching the events unfold in front of us without getting to see the complete picture eventually resulting in an attempt at shock. The almost complete lack of a werewolf also holds the film back considerably. If you are in the mood for a fun-bad movie then this is not a film for you. However if you are in the mood for an earlier film that isn’t all that bad and is more of a victim of the times in was made then this may be one for you.
Carnival of Souls Review
Title: Carnival of Souls (1962)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “She Was A Stranger Among The Living.”
My Tagline: “She Was A Stranger Among The Living, She Didn’t Rest In Peace With The Dead, But She Feels Right At Home Playing On The Reverend’s Organ.”
Favorite Quote: “You can take all the baths you want. I’m not the type to worry about a thing like that.”
Plot Synopsis: Mary Henry is a church organist who, unlike the little balls of fire we associate with church organists, is a very isolated and extremely dull person. Shortly before moving from her homestead of Lawrence, Kansas, Mary is in a car accident that includes a gentle rolling off a bridge into a river. Just as those searching for survivors are ready to give up Mary emerges from the mud and resumes life again. Through completely natural exposition we come to understand that Mary is isolated and awkward. Mary pays no heed and races off to Utah to accept a church organ gig. Here is where things get a little confusing because slightly unusual happenings occur around Mary as she gets settled into her new home. The problem is that since it’s Utah it’s nearly impossible to tell what is supernatural and what is just Utah. Mary moves into a room owned by a kindly yet clearly insane old woman and lives across the hall from a greasy stalker who works at the docks. (her housemates are the scariest characters in the entire film) Well I’ll spare you all the details but some weird stuff happens and Mary tries to come to terms with it. I’m pretty sure the ending was suppose to be some surprise twist but I’d like to think that anyone with half a brain cell would have seen it coming.
Review: This film is slightly historical and supposedly influential on some modern movies even today. I have my doubts about that but regardless it’s a fun-bad movie. The most entertaining thing to do is watch the character Mary as her performance gets stranger and more bizarre. The music, which is mostly organ music, is tough to listen to for most people and to some is intolerable. Mary’s housemates are very entertaining as they have the best lines and are the most animated. If you can get drawn into this movie then it can be truly great. You will find yourself warning Mary not to encourage the greasy stalker and advising her not to take baths as the land lady wants her to way too much. You will ponder the symbolism of the abandoned amusement park and try to figure out why the director felt in necessary to jump cut to stain glass windows over and over. It can be a lot of fun and now that I think about it there is one legitimately good shot where a few ghouls rise out of some water. The influence of this scene is best demonstrated in the film masterpiece “George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead.”
Trivia: -Was colorized by company “Legend Films” and includes commentary by the great Mike Nelson. This version of the film is by far the best and Mr. Nelson’s commentary is a great source for real trivia about the movie.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “She Was A Stranger Among The Living.”
My Tagline: “She Was A Stranger Among The Living, She Didn’t Rest In Peace With The Dead, But She Feels Right At Home Playing On The Reverend’s Organ.”
Favorite Quote: “You can take all the baths you want. I’m not the type to worry about a thing like that.”
Plot Synopsis: Mary Henry is a church organist who, unlike the little balls of fire we associate with church organists, is a very isolated and extremely dull person. Shortly before moving from her homestead of Lawrence, Kansas, Mary is in a car accident that includes a gentle rolling off a bridge into a river. Just as those searching for survivors are ready to give up Mary emerges from the mud and resumes life again. Through completely natural exposition we come to understand that Mary is isolated and awkward. Mary pays no heed and races off to Utah to accept a church organ gig. Here is where things get a little confusing because slightly unusual happenings occur around Mary as she gets settled into her new home. The problem is that since it’s Utah it’s nearly impossible to tell what is supernatural and what is just Utah. Mary moves into a room owned by a kindly yet clearly insane old woman and lives across the hall from a greasy stalker who works at the docks. (her housemates are the scariest characters in the entire film) Well I’ll spare you all the details but some weird stuff happens and Mary tries to come to terms with it. I’m pretty sure the ending was suppose to be some surprise twist but I’d like to think that anyone with half a brain cell would have seen it coming.
Review: This film is slightly historical and supposedly influential on some modern movies even today. I have my doubts about that but regardless it’s a fun-bad movie. The most entertaining thing to do is watch the character Mary as her performance gets stranger and more bizarre. The music, which is mostly organ music, is tough to listen to for most people and to some is intolerable. Mary’s housemates are very entertaining as they have the best lines and are the most animated. If you can get drawn into this movie then it can be truly great. You will find yourself warning Mary not to encourage the greasy stalker and advising her not to take baths as the land lady wants her to way too much. You will ponder the symbolism of the abandoned amusement park and try to figure out why the director felt in necessary to jump cut to stain glass windows over and over. It can be a lot of fun and now that I think about it there is one legitimately good shot where a few ghouls rise out of some water. The influence of this scene is best demonstrated in the film masterpiece “George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead.”
Trivia: -Was colorized by company “Legend Films” and includes commentary by the great Mike Nelson. This version of the film is by far the best and Mr. Nelson’s commentary is a great source for real trivia about the movie.
12.17.2007
Wolves of Wall Street Review
Title: The Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “We’re too lazy and untalented to come up with a tagline.”
My Tagline: “It’s like a flaming bag of werewolf dung on you front step!”
Favorite Quote: “The sound of urine being sprayed onto the actors.”
Plot Synopsis: A young man fresh from college embarks on a quest to strike it big in the big apple. His ambition is to become a broker with the most successful firm in town but look out guy, turns out they’re werewolves. He gets the job, gets a girlfriend, and makes some money. Eventually he fights with his girlfriend and then some stuff happens leading up to a final confrontation with the guys who eat people.
Review: If you like watching men writing on little slips of paper while smiling over and over again then have I got a movie for you. Although I love the fact that the alpha male, or as we later find out posing alpha male, actually urinates on his employees to mark his territory there is little else memorable about this movie. If you are expecting to enjoy yourself then you will hate this movie but if you enjoy torturing yourself or are on heavy amounts of Ridalin you may love it. It is a film that took itself seriously and seemed to try really hard to be good yet still fell short of its lofty goals. Despite this it still lacks the other essential ingredients for a great bad movie. For the most part I would say this movie is just plain bad and you would be wise to steer clear.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “We’re too lazy and untalented to come up with a tagline.”
My Tagline: “It’s like a flaming bag of werewolf dung on you front step!”
Favorite Quote: “The sound of urine being sprayed onto the actors.”
Plot Synopsis: A young man fresh from college embarks on a quest to strike it big in the big apple. His ambition is to become a broker with the most successful firm in town but look out guy, turns out they’re werewolves. He gets the job, gets a girlfriend, and makes some money. Eventually he fights with his girlfriend and then some stuff happens leading up to a final confrontation with the guys who eat people.
Review: If you like watching men writing on little slips of paper while smiling over and over again then have I got a movie for you. Although I love the fact that the alpha male, or as we later find out posing alpha male, actually urinates on his employees to mark his territory there is little else memorable about this movie. If you are expecting to enjoy yourself then you will hate this movie but if you enjoy torturing yourself or are on heavy amounts of Ridalin you may love it. It is a film that took itself seriously and seemed to try really hard to be good yet still fell short of its lofty goals. Despite this it still lacks the other essential ingredients for a great bad movie. For the most part I would say this movie is just plain bad and you would be wise to steer clear.
House of the Dead Review
Title: House of the Dead (2003)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “The Dead walk…You run!”
My Tagline: “Well they’re not actually the walking dead but humans with a virus, but they’re a little bit scary so let’s go bullet-time on their ass.”
Favorite Quote: “ ‘You did all this to become immortal. Why?’ ‘To live forever!’ ”
Plot Synopsis: A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave but discover that those who made it before them have fallen victim to a viral infection causing them to loose sensibility and control turning them into ravenous creatures of chaos that mindlessly feast upon healthy flesh. (these creatures are hyper-sapiens, NOT zombies) The group holds up in an old cabin and discovers the roots of the virus, a history of the island, and links to scientific research into immortality. Eventually the group decides to take action and kick some ass during a remarkably long bullet time action sequence and by the end some survive.
Review: Many would want to give this movie a higher ranking and I could certainly understand that but I believe it is worth note that some of the movie is rather boring and repeated viewing would be difficult. However this film is extremely enjoyable the first time through and has all the makings of a truly great bad movie. Weird characters, a story that makes no sense, terrible dialogue, technical and logistics issues, a lack of focus but best of all it has one of the best bad directors of all time, Uwe Boll. Not only does Mr. Boll honesty believe he produces quality material but he honestly believes he produces the greatest material. As a crazy German guy Mr. Boll is able to procure remarkable amounts of funds for his films resulting in the use of high demand acting talent as well as respectable makeup and CGI effects. In fact, the hyper-sapiens are some of the best creature makeup effects out there and his later films have actors like Christian Slater, Tara Reed, and even Ben Kingsley. It is the projects that Mr. Boll chooses to do and the choices he makes using these vast resources that make his films so remarkable and memorable. Hours have been spent in slow motion and bullet time. Dead characters have been spotted sitting up the second before a scene transition. Despite the use of some of the best technology available the deliberate choice to keep the CGI effects at a cable network level was made. Each film has completely awkward scenes and actions that rip you from the flow of the movie and many have horrible endings that simply make no sense, logically or otherwise. This is what Mr. Boll brings to the party and “House of the Dead” was my first introduction to this master of awful cinema. I would highly recommend this and any Boll film to a bad move fan. Mr. Boll is a modern day Ed Wood who shares the best aspects of that legendary filmmaker; a great enthusiasm for filmmaking and an earnest believe in the material they produce but Mr. Boll differs from Mr. Wood in a very big way, resources. If you’ve ever wondered what Ed Wood could do with modern day technology and lots of money then here is as close as you will get.
Trivia: -Believe it not Mr. Boll is actually Dr. Boll as he holds two PhDs, one in German and one in English. And what he chose to do with that was become an awful filmmaker. Simply fantastic.
-If you watch carefully during the “Lord of the Rings” forest homage sequence you can spot one of the catapults used to launch the hyper-sapiens into their ridiculous leaps.
-The extremely bizarre, seizure-inducing scene transitions are clips of footage taken during gameplay of the video game that this movie is allegedly based on.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “The Dead walk…You run!”
My Tagline: “Well they’re not actually the walking dead but humans with a virus, but they’re a little bit scary so let’s go bullet-time on their ass.”
Favorite Quote: “ ‘You did all this to become immortal. Why?’ ‘To live forever!’ ”
Plot Synopsis: A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave but discover that those who made it before them have fallen victim to a viral infection causing them to loose sensibility and control turning them into ravenous creatures of chaos that mindlessly feast upon healthy flesh. (these creatures are hyper-sapiens, NOT zombies) The group holds up in an old cabin and discovers the roots of the virus, a history of the island, and links to scientific research into immortality. Eventually the group decides to take action and kick some ass during a remarkably long bullet time action sequence and by the end some survive.
Review: Many would want to give this movie a higher ranking and I could certainly understand that but I believe it is worth note that some of the movie is rather boring and repeated viewing would be difficult. However this film is extremely enjoyable the first time through and has all the makings of a truly great bad movie. Weird characters, a story that makes no sense, terrible dialogue, technical and logistics issues, a lack of focus but best of all it has one of the best bad directors of all time, Uwe Boll. Not only does Mr. Boll honesty believe he produces quality material but he honestly believes he produces the greatest material. As a crazy German guy Mr. Boll is able to procure remarkable amounts of funds for his films resulting in the use of high demand acting talent as well as respectable makeup and CGI effects. In fact, the hyper-sapiens are some of the best creature makeup effects out there and his later films have actors like Christian Slater, Tara Reed, and even Ben Kingsley. It is the projects that Mr. Boll chooses to do and the choices he makes using these vast resources that make his films so remarkable and memorable. Hours have been spent in slow motion and bullet time. Dead characters have been spotted sitting up the second before a scene transition. Despite the use of some of the best technology available the deliberate choice to keep the CGI effects at a cable network level was made. Each film has completely awkward scenes and actions that rip you from the flow of the movie and many have horrible endings that simply make no sense, logically or otherwise. This is what Mr. Boll brings to the party and “House of the Dead” was my first introduction to this master of awful cinema. I would highly recommend this and any Boll film to a bad move fan. Mr. Boll is a modern day Ed Wood who shares the best aspects of that legendary filmmaker; a great enthusiasm for filmmaking and an earnest believe in the material they produce but Mr. Boll differs from Mr. Wood in a very big way, resources. If you’ve ever wondered what Ed Wood could do with modern day technology and lots of money then here is as close as you will get.
Trivia: -Believe it not Mr. Boll is actually Dr. Boll as he holds two PhDs, one in German and one in English. And what he chose to do with that was become an awful filmmaker. Simply fantastic.
-If you watch carefully during the “Lord of the Rings” forest homage sequence you can spot one of the catapults used to launch the hyper-sapiens into their ridiculous leaps.
-The extremely bizarre, seizure-inducing scene transitions are clips of footage taken during gameplay of the video game that this movie is allegedly based on.
12.16.2007
Hobgoblins Review
Title: Hobgoblins (1988)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Be careful what you wish for... You just might get it!”
My Tagline: “Being an assistant night watchmen with a senile old man in an abandoned film studio just got slightly more interesting.”
Favorite Quote: “Oh Mr. Zookeeper…”
Plot Synopsis: A young man accidentally releases small creatures called Hobgoblins from a film vault that his elderly coworker locked away several years earlier shortly after witnessing their landing to Earth. The Hobgoblins exert a physic force over the humans they encounter resulting in a delusion within the human to believe that they are experiencing their ultimate fantasy. For reasons unknown the fantasies take a deadly turn thus motivating the protagonists to once again lock away the creatures.
Review: Though I highly recommend the episode this film would be enjoyable on its own even without the fellas at MST3K. In a bizarre attempt to capitalize on the popularity of “Gremlins” writer/director Rick Sloan excreted this wondrous tale of butt-ugly creatures fooling borderline retarded humans into either dieing or killing. Never boring and always delivering on hot car parking action this film hates women, has obscene technical issues, wacky (and stupid) characters, disturbing imagery, and laughably low production values. The bar that acts as the gathering place for the town’s scum appears to be a high school cafeteria where Marge Simpson moonlights as a waitress. To the crew’s credit this film did in fact deliver on the absolute limit of horror that can be generated by people holding puppets to their faces and screaming. One thing to look out for is an early appearance of later-to-be-famous voice actor Daran Norris, who Nickelodeon can’t seem to do a show without. If you like sex, spandex, pink shorts on men, and lame Muppets then this is a film for you.
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Amazingly, some of the actors went on to have pretty good careers.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Be careful what you wish for... You just might get it!”
My Tagline: “Being an assistant night watchmen with a senile old man in an abandoned film studio just got slightly more interesting.”
Favorite Quote: “Oh Mr. Zookeeper…”
Plot Synopsis: A young man accidentally releases small creatures called Hobgoblins from a film vault that his elderly coworker locked away several years earlier shortly after witnessing their landing to Earth. The Hobgoblins exert a physic force over the humans they encounter resulting in a delusion within the human to believe that they are experiencing their ultimate fantasy. For reasons unknown the fantasies take a deadly turn thus motivating the protagonists to once again lock away the creatures.
Review: Though I highly recommend the episode this film would be enjoyable on its own even without the fellas at MST3K. In a bizarre attempt to capitalize on the popularity of “Gremlins” writer/director Rick Sloan excreted this wondrous tale of butt-ugly creatures fooling borderline retarded humans into either dieing or killing. Never boring and always delivering on hot car parking action this film hates women, has obscene technical issues, wacky (and stupid) characters, disturbing imagery, and laughably low production values. The bar that acts as the gathering place for the town’s scum appears to be a high school cafeteria where Marge Simpson moonlights as a waitress. To the crew’s credit this film did in fact deliver on the absolute limit of horror that can be generated by people holding puppets to their faces and screaming. One thing to look out for is an early appearance of later-to-be-famous voice actor Daran Norris, who Nickelodeon can’t seem to do a show without. If you like sex, spandex, pink shorts on men, and lame Muppets then this is a film for you.
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Amazingly, some of the actors went on to have pretty good careers.
House of the Dead 2 Review
Title: House of the Dead II (2005)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “Lock All The Doors.”
My Tagline: “Put a Bullet in Your Brain.”
Favorite Quote: “Oh man, they got the Sarge. They killed the Sarge man!”
Plot Synopsis: A viral infection sweeps a University forcing a team of scientists and soldiers to invade on a research mission. Along the way things prove more hairy then anticipated, a problem exacerbated by treachery, greed, and isolation.
Review: For the most part this film isn’t worth the time but I do appreciate the invention of the term “hyper-sapien.” First for its brilliance and second because I do not feel that House of the Dead zombies deserve to be called “zombies.” There is no mystery or supernatural element to humans turning from healthy, ordered beings into ravenous flesh-eaters and they are even easier to kill then a Romero zombie. They do not return from the dead, they simply get sick and once you shoot them they are dead. What’s more in this particular film the idea of mutation is explored. The longer the hyper-sapiens remain alive the more vehement and grotesque they become and the scientists seem to believe that they can even cure “first generation” hyper-sapiens. Hence the research focus rather then a search-and-destroy focus. This kind of monster-style mutation and perversion of zombie mythos deserves to be relegated to a different sub-genre within horror besides zombie. All that aside and with an examination of the film itself I would say that despite a few fun moments this movie leaves you pining for Mr. Boll and his brilliant artistic vision and amounts to nothing more then every other SciFi Channel bad movie. There are plenty of technical and logistics problems but no classic characters or dialogue. Ironically, the most enjoyable part of the film is actually the beginning leading up to the time they enter the university which gets your expectations just high enough to be disappointed as the film progresses. It has no real repeated viewing value but if you see it on TV one day and truly have nothing better to do then go ahead and watch. Just don’t make a big effort to see it and bear in mind that it is nothing compared to the first film.
Trivia: Contributing writer Mark A. Altman is featured in this film during the relatively enjoyable and legitimately funny first twenty minutes.
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “Lock All The Doors.”
My Tagline: “Put a Bullet in Your Brain.”
Favorite Quote: “Oh man, they got the Sarge. They killed the Sarge man!”
Plot Synopsis: A viral infection sweeps a University forcing a team of scientists and soldiers to invade on a research mission. Along the way things prove more hairy then anticipated, a problem exacerbated by treachery, greed, and isolation.
Review: For the most part this film isn’t worth the time but I do appreciate the invention of the term “hyper-sapien.” First for its brilliance and second because I do not feel that House of the Dead zombies deserve to be called “zombies.” There is no mystery or supernatural element to humans turning from healthy, ordered beings into ravenous flesh-eaters and they are even easier to kill then a Romero zombie. They do not return from the dead, they simply get sick and once you shoot them they are dead. What’s more in this particular film the idea of mutation is explored. The longer the hyper-sapiens remain alive the more vehement and grotesque they become and the scientists seem to believe that they can even cure “first generation” hyper-sapiens. Hence the research focus rather then a search-and-destroy focus. This kind of monster-style mutation and perversion of zombie mythos deserves to be relegated to a different sub-genre within horror besides zombie. All that aside and with an examination of the film itself I would say that despite a few fun moments this movie leaves you pining for Mr. Boll and his brilliant artistic vision and amounts to nothing more then every other SciFi Channel bad movie. There are plenty of technical and logistics problems but no classic characters or dialogue. Ironically, the most enjoyable part of the film is actually the beginning leading up to the time they enter the university which gets your expectations just high enough to be disappointed as the film progresses. It has no real repeated viewing value but if you see it on TV one day and truly have nothing better to do then go ahead and watch. Just don’t make a big effort to see it and bear in mind that it is nothing compared to the first film.
Trivia: Contributing writer Mark A. Altman is featured in this film during the relatively enjoyable and legitimately funny first twenty minutes.
Manos: The Hands of Fate Review
Title: Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “It’s shocking! It’s beyond your imagination!”
My Tagline: “Get groped by Pan’s retarded cousin.”
Favorite Quote: “The Master likes you.”
Plot Synopsis: A man, his wife, his daughter, and a dog are unable to find the hotel they were after and wish to stop for the night at a remote house in the desert near El Paso, Texas. The master of the house named, “Master” isn’t around but his satyr servant “Torgo” takes care of the place while the Master is away. Despite Torgo’s warnings that the Master does not like children or dogs and despite his wife’s protests the husband, Mike, forces the family to stay the night. Inside the house hands are a recurring decorative theme along with a creepy painting of the Master and his hellhound. As the couple poses in front of the painting for a while the dog eventually runs out into the night after the source of a sound. Presumably it is killed by the hellhound but whatever the cause the dog is dead. The family decides that they wish to leave and minutes after forcing his way into the home Mike tells Torgo to bring their bags to the car like a hotel bellhop. For reasons unknown the car will not start and the family appears to be stranded. While again posing in front of the painting the parents loose their child and after a through search of the house find her outside with the Master’s hellhound. When they ask the child, Debbie, where she found the dog she leads them to an alter where the Master sleeps with a burning pyre nearby and several women standing around pillars. After fleeing the scene Mike goes to search for Torgo while his wife and daughter hold up in their room. As it turns out Master worships a being called “Manos” and although what exactly is believed and practiced in his weird religion is not explained it would appear he keeps several undead wives and the idea of human sacrifice is later thrown about. A ritual that involves vigorously rubbing someone’s chest and lightly swatting at their face for a few minutes then igniting their prop hand over a fire as they go off screaming into the night. Torgo, having grown tired of simply groping the Master’s wives as they sleep, has decided he wants his own wife and has chosen the matriarch of the visiting family. The Master and his wives awaken and after some discussion Master goes to find Torgo while the women fight about sacrifice. Some believe it is wrong to kill Debbie and only wish to kill the husband and assimilate the wife. The heated debate turns mildly erotic as a catfight lasting what must have been at least twenty minutes breaks out. After he incapacitates Mike who was prowling the area outside the house I guess Torgo decides to take a nap because that is how the Master finds him. Master is upset with Torgo for letting the family stay and for groping his wives and declares he will “do the will of Manos” by killing Torgo. Master proceeds to wave Torgo’s stick at him for a while and then begins shouting that the will of Manos is done. One of the Master’s wives escapes to tell Master what is happening and along the way makes out with Mike for a second and then starts to slap him. For some reason Torgo remains dutifully by his Master’s side in scene after scene until he is “sacrificed” and runs off screaming into the night. Meanwhile Mike’s utterly useless wife is either sleeping or screaming out for Mike in her room. Once they are reunited the family decides they will take their chances in the desert. Five steps into it Mike’s wife falls over saying she can’t go on. The rest would be revealing too much.
Review: I have mixed feelings about Manos. Yes, it is truly bad and one of the worst films of all time. It’s a lot of fun and the stories behind it are the best of any movie but in recent years it has come to be accepted as THE worst movie of all time in some circles. Removing the long standing “Plan 9 From Outer Space” from this illustrious position. I find this disturbing because I feel that it is mainly the result of the stories behind the movie rather than the content of the film itself. The movie got its start when writer/director Harold P. Warren, a fertilizer salesman, made a bet he could produce a hit movie with an extremely modest budget. The man had a bit of an ego and clearly was not a gifted filmmaker. The entire movie was shot using a handheld camera that could only record thirty-two seconds of footage at a time. John Reynolds, who plays the satyr Torgo in the film, killed himself the same year the film came out while addicted to pain killers he got hooked on because of the prosthetics he wore for the film permanently damaged his knees. The saddest thing about that is the fact that nowhere in the movie is it demonstrated that Torgo is a satyr. To the audience it just looks like he has pillows stuffed in his pants. Learning these things does indeed endear the film to you and raises the question of whether or not back-story should play a role in choosing our favorite bad movies. I would say it does but I would point out that Plan 9 has its own mythos and that back-story is only one consideration along with content. Content-wise Manos can be a little boring at times and somewhat difficult to watch while Plan 9 grabs you and just will not let go until you have learned your lesson about nuclear weapons and grave robbing aliens. A comparison of the films and their directors would be interesting but that isn’t really the point of reviewing the experience that is watching Manos. And that is an experience of great moments and delightful flaws. From the parent’s exhaustive search for their lost daughter to the police literally taking two steps to investigate then turning back to the pointless teenagers making out in the car to the epic cat fight and of course the amazingly shocking, mind-bending, incredibly surprising, and completely fantastic ending. The movie may have only one truly memorable character but boy is he memorable. Torgo is one of the greatest characters in bad cinema history and you can’t help but just love him. Whether he is peeping in on you while you are undressing or wobbling around on those stupid legs of his or taking thirty minutes to speak a sentence there is just something about Torgo you can’t resist. Maybe it’s the fear he will kill you while you are sleeping. Whether you want to debate if it’s the worst film of all time or if you just like bad movies this film is a must see for any B-movie fan or film buff.
Trivia: -“Manos” means hands in Spanish so the real title of the movie is, “Hands: The Hands of Fate.”
-Spurred it’s own short documentary called, “Hotel Torgo.”
-Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Considered by some to be the worst film ever made and considered by most to at least be one of the worst.
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “It’s shocking! It’s beyond your imagination!”
My Tagline: “Get groped by Pan’s retarded cousin.”
Favorite Quote: “The Master likes you.”
Plot Synopsis: A man, his wife, his daughter, and a dog are unable to find the hotel they were after and wish to stop for the night at a remote house in the desert near El Paso, Texas. The master of the house named, “Master” isn’t around but his satyr servant “Torgo” takes care of the place while the Master is away. Despite Torgo’s warnings that the Master does not like children or dogs and despite his wife’s protests the husband, Mike, forces the family to stay the night. Inside the house hands are a recurring decorative theme along with a creepy painting of the Master and his hellhound. As the couple poses in front of the painting for a while the dog eventually runs out into the night after the source of a sound. Presumably it is killed by the hellhound but whatever the cause the dog is dead. The family decides that they wish to leave and minutes after forcing his way into the home Mike tells Torgo to bring their bags to the car like a hotel bellhop. For reasons unknown the car will not start and the family appears to be stranded. While again posing in front of the painting the parents loose their child and after a through search of the house find her outside with the Master’s hellhound. When they ask the child, Debbie, where she found the dog she leads them to an alter where the Master sleeps with a burning pyre nearby and several women standing around pillars. After fleeing the scene Mike goes to search for Torgo while his wife and daughter hold up in their room. As it turns out Master worships a being called “Manos” and although what exactly is believed and practiced in his weird religion is not explained it would appear he keeps several undead wives and the idea of human sacrifice is later thrown about. A ritual that involves vigorously rubbing someone’s chest and lightly swatting at their face for a few minutes then igniting their prop hand over a fire as they go off screaming into the night. Torgo, having grown tired of simply groping the Master’s wives as they sleep, has decided he wants his own wife and has chosen the matriarch of the visiting family. The Master and his wives awaken and after some discussion Master goes to find Torgo while the women fight about sacrifice. Some believe it is wrong to kill Debbie and only wish to kill the husband and assimilate the wife. The heated debate turns mildly erotic as a catfight lasting what must have been at least twenty minutes breaks out. After he incapacitates Mike who was prowling the area outside the house I guess Torgo decides to take a nap because that is how the Master finds him. Master is upset with Torgo for letting the family stay and for groping his wives and declares he will “do the will of Manos” by killing Torgo. Master proceeds to wave Torgo’s stick at him for a while and then begins shouting that the will of Manos is done. One of the Master’s wives escapes to tell Master what is happening and along the way makes out with Mike for a second and then starts to slap him. For some reason Torgo remains dutifully by his Master’s side in scene after scene until he is “sacrificed” and runs off screaming into the night. Meanwhile Mike’s utterly useless wife is either sleeping or screaming out for Mike in her room. Once they are reunited the family decides they will take their chances in the desert. Five steps into it Mike’s wife falls over saying she can’t go on. The rest would be revealing too much.
Review: I have mixed feelings about Manos. Yes, it is truly bad and one of the worst films of all time. It’s a lot of fun and the stories behind it are the best of any movie but in recent years it has come to be accepted as THE worst movie of all time in some circles. Removing the long standing “Plan 9 From Outer Space” from this illustrious position. I find this disturbing because I feel that it is mainly the result of the stories behind the movie rather than the content of the film itself. The movie got its start when writer/director Harold P. Warren, a fertilizer salesman, made a bet he could produce a hit movie with an extremely modest budget. The man had a bit of an ego and clearly was not a gifted filmmaker. The entire movie was shot using a handheld camera that could only record thirty-two seconds of footage at a time. John Reynolds, who plays the satyr Torgo in the film, killed himself the same year the film came out while addicted to pain killers he got hooked on because of the prosthetics he wore for the film permanently damaged his knees. The saddest thing about that is the fact that nowhere in the movie is it demonstrated that Torgo is a satyr. To the audience it just looks like he has pillows stuffed in his pants. Learning these things does indeed endear the film to you and raises the question of whether or not back-story should play a role in choosing our favorite bad movies. I would say it does but I would point out that Plan 9 has its own mythos and that back-story is only one consideration along with content. Content-wise Manos can be a little boring at times and somewhat difficult to watch while Plan 9 grabs you and just will not let go until you have learned your lesson about nuclear weapons and grave robbing aliens. A comparison of the films and their directors would be interesting but that isn’t really the point of reviewing the experience that is watching Manos. And that is an experience of great moments and delightful flaws. From the parent’s exhaustive search for their lost daughter to the police literally taking two steps to investigate then turning back to the pointless teenagers making out in the car to the epic cat fight and of course the amazingly shocking, mind-bending, incredibly surprising, and completely fantastic ending. The movie may have only one truly memorable character but boy is he memorable. Torgo is one of the greatest characters in bad cinema history and you can’t help but just love him. Whether he is peeping in on you while you are undressing or wobbling around on those stupid legs of his or taking thirty minutes to speak a sentence there is just something about Torgo you can’t resist. Maybe it’s the fear he will kill you while you are sleeping. Whether you want to debate if it’s the worst film of all time or if you just like bad movies this film is a must see for any B-movie fan or film buff.
Trivia: -“Manos” means hands in Spanish so the real title of the movie is, “Hands: The Hands of Fate.”
-Spurred it’s own short documentary called, “Hotel Torgo.”
-Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Considered by some to be the worst film ever made and considered by most to at least be one of the worst.
Drive-in Massacre Review
Title: Drive-in Massacre (1976)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “Your nightmares are about to become true.”
My Tagline: “Just as you’re getting some boob you’ll get your head cut off!”
Favorite Quote: “I just wanted to beat my meat.”
Plot Synopsis: Someone is killing people at the local drive-in using a bladed weapon. Two fairly incompetent detectives investigate and attempt to apprehend the murderer. Suspects include a former sideshow geek with access to swords, the “grade A asshole” manager of the place, and some guy who gets his jollies from watching people at the drive-in. The two detectives engage in cross-dressing, moderate speed car chases, and harassment as they slowly widdle down the suspect list and eventually bring this bloody story to a conclusion.
Review: Sure it’s bad but it’s not awesomely bad. I suppose character wise you do have the old detective duo reminiscent of Ed Wood’s “The Sinister Urge” which is a little fun. Especially when the cross-dressing starts up. You also have the awkward sideshow geek who is really the anchor of the film and the asshole manager is pretty funny. Somehow something is missing though. Something that is hard to pinpoint or describe but its lacking prevents the film from giving you that fun experience you get from watching truly awful movies. Maybe there is simply not enough originality or strangeness. Maybe somewhere along the line the crew stopped believing in project. It is possible for this movie to be fun and if you are like me and obtained it by buying a DVD movie pack that included it then you should try it. Just don’t actively seek it out; it’s not worth it.
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “Your nightmares are about to become true.”
My Tagline: “Just as you’re getting some boob you’ll get your head cut off!”
Favorite Quote: “I just wanted to beat my meat.”
Plot Synopsis: Someone is killing people at the local drive-in using a bladed weapon. Two fairly incompetent detectives investigate and attempt to apprehend the murderer. Suspects include a former sideshow geek with access to swords, the “grade A asshole” manager of the place, and some guy who gets his jollies from watching people at the drive-in. The two detectives engage in cross-dressing, moderate speed car chases, and harassment as they slowly widdle down the suspect list and eventually bring this bloody story to a conclusion.
Review: Sure it’s bad but it’s not awesomely bad. I suppose character wise you do have the old detective duo reminiscent of Ed Wood’s “The Sinister Urge” which is a little fun. Especially when the cross-dressing starts up. You also have the awkward sideshow geek who is really the anchor of the film and the asshole manager is pretty funny. Somehow something is missing though. Something that is hard to pinpoint or describe but its lacking prevents the film from giving you that fun experience you get from watching truly awful movies. Maybe there is simply not enough originality or strangeness. Maybe somewhere along the line the crew stopped believing in project. It is possible for this movie to be fun and if you are like me and obtained it by buying a DVD movie pack that included it then you should try it. Just don’t actively seek it out; it’s not worth it.
Driller Killer Review
Title: The Driller Killer (1979)
Rating 2 out of 5
Tagline: “It Will Shatter You.”
My Tagline: “Not Exactly a Silent Killer.”
Favorite Quote: “I wanna see somebody’s pussy!”
Plot Synopsis: A struggling artist is in deep financial troubles as he attempts to complete his latest masterpiece living out of an apartment he shares with two strange women. (well, everyone in this movie is strange) He apparently entertains a hobby of hanging out in the bum district and watching people from rooftops as well. An extremely awful rock band moves into his apartment building and plays loud music constantly. Feeling immense pressure from his finances and emotionally unsupportive roommates he allows this music to prevent him from doing his work as a painter. Although he was clearly crazy even before the movie began we are expected to believe that the stress created by the events of the few days we bear witness to pushes him over the edge causing him to go on minor killing sprees with an electric drill. He is actually a little misunderstood because at first he is simply doing the town a favor by wiping out the bum population. Some of whom are extremely annoying. An idea not properly developed is the possibility that his obsession with, and eventual violence towards, the derelicts of society is some kind of projected hatred against his father. It is difficult to say but for whatever reason he kills bums. It is only after his masterwork is poo-pooed by his seller and one of his roommates, Carol, leaves him that he starts killing people of consequence. Namely his seller and Carol, who he apparently had some kind of relationship with even though all we ever saw of her was having lesbian petting in the shower with the other roommate. It is during his revenge against Carol that the film finishes in one of the stupidest and most unusual endings I have ever seen.
Review: This is a film that under the right conditions could be pretty enjoyable for bad movie fans. For example, if you were completely stoned out of your gourd, like the makers of this film obviously were, then it may be possible to enjoy it. If you have some extremely funny, quick-witted friends you like making fun of bad movies with it could be fun. If you are a hardcore movie buff whose favorite aspect of film is watching actors and their interpretations of roles rather than plot then you might enjoy the film a little bit. Not because the actors are good or anything but because they are so bad and their roles and actions are so unusual. And bizarre is really the hallmark of Driller Killer. In addition to looking like it was filmed at the bottom of Loch Ness so much about the movie has you asking questions like, what the hell was that all about? What were they thinking? Did they honestly believe this was somehow entertaining? Why am I watching this? The film starts out pretty dull but slowly gets funnier and more bizarre leading to some actually memorable moments that will have you laughing there in the middle. The question is whether or not it is worth sitting through the rest of the movie to view these moments and obtain the bragging rights that you have seen the film. I would say so but for most people (and I am including other bad movie fans here) probably not. Which is why I only give this film a two. It’s a tough one to watch but for truly hardcore bad movie fans this film is just odd enough to keep your attention. And I firmly believe that this is a perfect movie for someone out there. It will just resonate with them and after only the first viewing they will love it as much as I love “Night Train to Terror” or “I Know Who Killed Me.” So if anything I’ve said about it appeals to you and your gut instinct is to give this movie a try then I encourage you to. One way or another it is one of the strangest 93 minutes of cinema out there.
Rating 2 out of 5
Tagline: “It Will Shatter You.”
My Tagline: “Not Exactly a Silent Killer.”
Favorite Quote: “I wanna see somebody’s pussy!”
Plot Synopsis: A struggling artist is in deep financial troubles as he attempts to complete his latest masterpiece living out of an apartment he shares with two strange women. (well, everyone in this movie is strange) He apparently entertains a hobby of hanging out in the bum district and watching people from rooftops as well. An extremely awful rock band moves into his apartment building and plays loud music constantly. Feeling immense pressure from his finances and emotionally unsupportive roommates he allows this music to prevent him from doing his work as a painter. Although he was clearly crazy even before the movie began we are expected to believe that the stress created by the events of the few days we bear witness to pushes him over the edge causing him to go on minor killing sprees with an electric drill. He is actually a little misunderstood because at first he is simply doing the town a favor by wiping out the bum population. Some of whom are extremely annoying. An idea not properly developed is the possibility that his obsession with, and eventual violence towards, the derelicts of society is some kind of projected hatred against his father. It is difficult to say but for whatever reason he kills bums. It is only after his masterwork is poo-pooed by his seller and one of his roommates, Carol, leaves him that he starts killing people of consequence. Namely his seller and Carol, who he apparently had some kind of relationship with even though all we ever saw of her was having lesbian petting in the shower with the other roommate. It is during his revenge against Carol that the film finishes in one of the stupidest and most unusual endings I have ever seen.
Review: This is a film that under the right conditions could be pretty enjoyable for bad movie fans. For example, if you were completely stoned out of your gourd, like the makers of this film obviously were, then it may be possible to enjoy it. If you have some extremely funny, quick-witted friends you like making fun of bad movies with it could be fun. If you are a hardcore movie buff whose favorite aspect of film is watching actors and their interpretations of roles rather than plot then you might enjoy the film a little bit. Not because the actors are good or anything but because they are so bad and their roles and actions are so unusual. And bizarre is really the hallmark of Driller Killer. In addition to looking like it was filmed at the bottom of Loch Ness so much about the movie has you asking questions like, what the hell was that all about? What were they thinking? Did they honestly believe this was somehow entertaining? Why am I watching this? The film starts out pretty dull but slowly gets funnier and more bizarre leading to some actually memorable moments that will have you laughing there in the middle. The question is whether or not it is worth sitting through the rest of the movie to view these moments and obtain the bragging rights that you have seen the film. I would say so but for most people (and I am including other bad movie fans here) probably not. Which is why I only give this film a two. It’s a tough one to watch but for truly hardcore bad movie fans this film is just odd enough to keep your attention. And I firmly believe that this is a perfect movie for someone out there. It will just resonate with them and after only the first viewing they will love it as much as I love “Night Train to Terror” or “I Know Who Killed Me.” So if anything I’ve said about it appeals to you and your gut instinct is to give this movie a try then I encourage you to. One way or another it is one of the strangest 93 minutes of cinema out there.
Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator Review
Title: Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator a.k.a. In Deadly Heat (1989)
Rating 3 out of 5
Tagline: “Don’t Throw Your Love Away…Burn It!”
My Tagline: “What a Twist!”
Favorite Quote: “ ‘…I’ll be there.’ ‘Where?’ ‘There.’ ”
Plot Synopsis: An airport mechanic is kidnapped from work and brought to a mansion where he is held prisoner by a dude in drag and told he will not be allowed to leave until he gets it on with the lovely Stephanie. (stuff her if you will) The twist? The first of many is that the dude in drag intends to watch the two of them exchange bodily fluids, if you know what I mean. To continue would reveal too much and spoil the movie but I can assure this film has no lack of mind-bending riddles and plot twists.
Review: I’m tempted to give the film the fourth star but there are a few too many minutes spent with people just kind of looking around. That coupled with the lack of memorable dialogue and characters holds this film back in the realm of fun-bad movies. To its credit it is ambitious film with a big concept. If it were not for the completely illogical and impossible plot holes someone could take the general idea and with real money, actors, and production abilities make a decent film. That is part of the majesty of this picture; it is flawed on every conceivable level. In addition to the standards of horrid acting, incompetent production, and a laughably bad script this movie could never be made in way that makes any sense at all. It is completely and utterly impossible for it to work and that is a beautiful thing. In addition to that there is also the fact that by the end there seemed to almost be a grand theme involved. Almost like an examination of the metaphysical level of life. If this did exist within the film it was so poorly executed I completely missed it and if this level of examination was intended it is simply hilarious given how ridiculous the idea of trying to cram something like that into a movie this awful is. Unfortunately the movie gets worse as it goes along and was much more fun when you had absolutely no idea what was going on. It starts off bizarre and slowly gets more and more mundane leaving you simply wondering why people would act so stupid. Though one beautiful thing about the movie is that without being inside the writer’s head it is physically impossible to fully understand this picture. You can puzzle over it and obsess about it but you will never know the answers. There are simply too many things not explained to ever be sure. It would be like trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. This nearly indescribable level of flawed story with its many layers of ludicrousness and impracticality makes this film unique and forces you to elevate it slightly above the rest to a place you point out to the younger generations of would be filmmakers and say, “Venture there only to see what could become of you. Venture there only to see what you must be careful to avoid.”
Rating 3 out of 5
Tagline: “Don’t Throw Your Love Away…Burn It!”
My Tagline: “What a Twist!”
Favorite Quote: “ ‘…I’ll be there.’ ‘Where?’ ‘There.’ ”
Plot Synopsis: An airport mechanic is kidnapped from work and brought to a mansion where he is held prisoner by a dude in drag and told he will not be allowed to leave until he gets it on with the lovely Stephanie. (stuff her if you will) The twist? The first of many is that the dude in drag intends to watch the two of them exchange bodily fluids, if you know what I mean. To continue would reveal too much and spoil the movie but I can assure this film has no lack of mind-bending riddles and plot twists.
Review: I’m tempted to give the film the fourth star but there are a few too many minutes spent with people just kind of looking around. That coupled with the lack of memorable dialogue and characters holds this film back in the realm of fun-bad movies. To its credit it is ambitious film with a big concept. If it were not for the completely illogical and impossible plot holes someone could take the general idea and with real money, actors, and production abilities make a decent film. That is part of the majesty of this picture; it is flawed on every conceivable level. In addition to the standards of horrid acting, incompetent production, and a laughably bad script this movie could never be made in way that makes any sense at all. It is completely and utterly impossible for it to work and that is a beautiful thing. In addition to that there is also the fact that by the end there seemed to almost be a grand theme involved. Almost like an examination of the metaphysical level of life. If this did exist within the film it was so poorly executed I completely missed it and if this level of examination was intended it is simply hilarious given how ridiculous the idea of trying to cram something like that into a movie this awful is. Unfortunately the movie gets worse as it goes along and was much more fun when you had absolutely no idea what was going on. It starts off bizarre and slowly gets more and more mundane leaving you simply wondering why people would act so stupid. Though one beautiful thing about the movie is that without being inside the writer’s head it is physically impossible to fully understand this picture. You can puzzle over it and obsess about it but you will never know the answers. There are simply too many things not explained to ever be sure. It would be like trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. This nearly indescribable level of flawed story with its many layers of ludicrousness and impracticality makes this film unique and forces you to elevate it slightly above the rest to a place you point out to the younger generations of would be filmmakers and say, “Venture there only to see what could become of you. Venture there only to see what you must be careful to avoid.”
I Know Who Killed Me Review
Title: I Know who Killed Me (2007)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “If you think you know the secret...Think twice.”
My Taglines: “The film that keeps you asking ‘what the fuck?!’ long after you have left the theater.”
“You’ll loose an arm and a leg working in this town.”
Favorite Quotes: “People get cut, that’s life.” & “I know who killed me.”
Plot Synopsis: An allegedly gifted creative writing version of Lindsey Lohan goes missing during a time when a rather sadistic murderer is on the loose. By chance she is discovered barely clinging to life with an arm and a leg missing. As she recovers it becomes apparent that the trauma she suffered while in captivity was so great that it broke her brain and she now believes she is a drug taking, slutty, erotic dancing version of Lindsey Lohan. (you know, the real Lidsey Lohan) This street-wise, tough-as-nails hooker version of Lohan calls herself Dakota and must unravel the elaborate mystery of exactly who it was that killed her.
Review: I would argue that “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “Manos: The Hands of Fate” have a contender for worst film ever. I adore this movie. Beginning with a random series of jump cuts the audience is lost within the first three minutes. Even after things have settled down the cameraman appears to be suffering from Parkinson’s disease as we bear witness not to dramatic action scenes where a shaky camera might draw us into the scene but to slow conversations amidst a psychological thriller. By my count the camera never remained absolutely still for more than seven seconds. The rest of the time it’s drifting up and down, struggling to keep the actors in the shot. There is so much to love in this film but I’m reluctant to reveal too much. This is a movie that simply must be experienced. Though I will say that the idea that we are actually suppose to be taking Lohan seriously is hilarious and by the end you realize this is even doubly so. Watch with a friend so that you can compare notes afterwards and hopefully you will have a decent understanding of just what hell was going on. As well as one can anyway.
After you have seen the movie come back and see how these questions and statements make you feel.
-What?! You have got to be kidding me! Are you serious? That is so stupid!
-What’s the deal with all the blue? Yes, I know it’s a clue about the murderer and all that but it’s EVERYWHERE. Even the hospital’s doorways where blue. The picture frames, the murder’s weapons were blue glass…come on already! And don’t give me any of that, “Dakota’s red and Aubrey is blue” crap because there was not nearly enough red to support that idea. Everything was blue.
-Am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that during the weeks we were watching Lohan adjust to her new surroundings the other girl was being tortured the whole time?
-Man, why is everyone so hard on the double amputee? The cops are getting pissed and shouting at a girl they believe just had their arm and leg forcibly removed while hopped up on meth. Lay off guys.
-Out of all the miles of highway she just happened to be stopped on those three feet where her headlights would be cast upon the body?
-What the hell was the deal with that dude’s chest? It’s like they were showing that Lohan is crazy but it turns out she isn’t so what’s the deal?
-Holy crap this movie was hard on the Mom. She actually has to listen to who she believes is her teenaged daughter have loud sex upstairs? That’s messed up man.
-What was the deal with the gardener guy? I guess he was supposed to be a suspect? He was just sorta there and then wasn’t for the rest of the movie.
-Oh come on, do you really mean to tell me that one person raised by a crackwhore mom and another raised by a well off suburban family aren’t going to end up looking pretty different?
-Wasn’t that thing with Lohan’s pooter and the cigarette the most disturbing thing in the whole movie?
Great flick. Just a great flick.
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “If you think you know the secret...Think twice.”
My Taglines: “The film that keeps you asking ‘what the fuck?!’ long after you have left the theater.”
“You’ll loose an arm and a leg working in this town.”
Favorite Quotes: “People get cut, that’s life.” & “I know who killed me.”
Plot Synopsis: An allegedly gifted creative writing version of Lindsey Lohan goes missing during a time when a rather sadistic murderer is on the loose. By chance she is discovered barely clinging to life with an arm and a leg missing. As she recovers it becomes apparent that the trauma she suffered while in captivity was so great that it broke her brain and she now believes she is a drug taking, slutty, erotic dancing version of Lindsey Lohan. (you know, the real Lidsey Lohan) This street-wise, tough-as-nails hooker version of Lohan calls herself Dakota and must unravel the elaborate mystery of exactly who it was that killed her.
Review: I would argue that “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “Manos: The Hands of Fate” have a contender for worst film ever. I adore this movie. Beginning with a random series of jump cuts the audience is lost within the first three minutes. Even after things have settled down the cameraman appears to be suffering from Parkinson’s disease as we bear witness not to dramatic action scenes where a shaky camera might draw us into the scene but to slow conversations amidst a psychological thriller. By my count the camera never remained absolutely still for more than seven seconds. The rest of the time it’s drifting up and down, struggling to keep the actors in the shot. There is so much to love in this film but I’m reluctant to reveal too much. This is a movie that simply must be experienced. Though I will say that the idea that we are actually suppose to be taking Lohan seriously is hilarious and by the end you realize this is even doubly so. Watch with a friend so that you can compare notes afterwards and hopefully you will have a decent understanding of just what hell was going on. As well as one can anyway.
After you have seen the movie come back and see how these questions and statements make you feel.
-What?! You have got to be kidding me! Are you serious? That is so stupid!
-What’s the deal with all the blue? Yes, I know it’s a clue about the murderer and all that but it’s EVERYWHERE. Even the hospital’s doorways where blue. The picture frames, the murder’s weapons were blue glass…come on already! And don’t give me any of that, “Dakota’s red and Aubrey is blue” crap because there was not nearly enough red to support that idea. Everything was blue.
-Am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that during the weeks we were watching Lohan adjust to her new surroundings the other girl was being tortured the whole time?
-Man, why is everyone so hard on the double amputee? The cops are getting pissed and shouting at a girl they believe just had their arm and leg forcibly removed while hopped up on meth. Lay off guys.
-Out of all the miles of highway she just happened to be stopped on those three feet where her headlights would be cast upon the body?
-What the hell was the deal with that dude’s chest? It’s like they were showing that Lohan is crazy but it turns out she isn’t so what’s the deal?
-Holy crap this movie was hard on the Mom. She actually has to listen to who she believes is her teenaged daughter have loud sex upstairs? That’s messed up man.
-What was the deal with the gardener guy? I guess he was supposed to be a suspect? He was just sorta there and then wasn’t for the rest of the movie.
-Oh come on, do you really mean to tell me that one person raised by a crackwhore mom and another raised by a well off suburban family aren’t going to end up looking pretty different?
-Wasn’t that thing with Lohan’s pooter and the cigarette the most disturbing thing in the whole movie?
Great flick. Just a great flick.
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