Title: Doom (2005)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Tagline: “No one gets out alive.”
My Tagline: “Well ok, a couple people get out alive but that’s all!”
Favorite Quote: “Semper Fi mother fucker.” & “I’m not supposed to die.”
Plot Synopsis: At a research facility on Mars something has gone ape-shit and started killing all of the local scientists. A group of space marines are called in to neutralize the threat as well as retrieve the research data. I wish I could say all hell breaks loose but I spent most of the movie asking, “When is the shit going to hit the fan?” With a lack of anything even remotely resembling Doom a lame plot folds out in front of us involving the same old crap we’ve seen a billion times including less then ethical scientific research and super-human abilities. (yawn) Most of the movie is silly dialogue, tired action sequences, and people VERY intensely asking simple questions while you keep holding out hope that the monsters will eventually show up. Spoiler Alert: They don’t.
I have never read the books (why the hell would you want to write/read a book about Doom?) so I have no idea if the movie in anyway reflects them and I don’t care either. I defy you to find any media about the movie that says something like “Based on the hit book!” No, it’s based on the game according to the marketing department and so I will approach my review of the adaptation from that perspective.
Review: It’s nice to see them make (and of course ruin) a movie about a game I don’t care about for a change. Not that I dislike Doom. I just don’t care about whether or not its movie is any good and I don’t feel there’s anything more to it then just mindless carnage. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. With that said I can’t help but wonder what hardcore fans felt as they watched the Rock bully some chick scientist, anxiously waiting for the shit to hit the fan and the real movie to start. As far as being a faithful adaptation I did like the part where it turns out Sarge wasn’t really the main hero and it became more about Reaper because in the original game the hero’s back-story was that part of the reason he was stuck in the mess was because he refused to fire on unarmed civilians. I found it interesting they upheld that little bit. Other than that though this couldn’t be much farther away from a Doom adaptation. It’s supposed to be about monsters and selfish survival. Instead there are all these characters with mission goals, relationships, personal attachments and motives. And while there are a couple of beasts the majority of the monsters are basically just zombies. There’s all this garbage about 24th chromosomes and Martian civilizations and people arguing with each other about who knows what. Fuck that, I wanna see some monsters damnit! You’re never going to turn this into some kind of brilliant character drama so why bother wasting our time with that nonsense? I’ll never understand why Hollywood always wants to take games that have things like character, plot, subtext, and halfway decent writing and then just turn them into mindless action flicks while at the same time take mindless action games like Doom and try to artificially infuse them with character and emotion. I’m sorry but Doom isn’t about character conflict or morality. It’s about kicking ass and making it to the next level! You had the perfect formula, the perfect thing to adapt into one of your stupid action movies and you fucked it up. Shame on you Hollywood!
The Action and the Acting
The adaptation aspect aside…
It is actually pretty funny watching the actors struggle to do something with their extremely simple lines that they often have to repeat. I wasn’t expecting Oscar worthy or anything but wow that’s some bad acting. It actually distracted from the flow of things when in your mind you say, “What the hell are they doing?” And I don’t know if it was a tense set or the director was giving them strange orders or what but some of the actors seemed to have developed facial ticks. Then as far as the action goes there is a segment deep into the latter half of the movie that is done in a first-person perspective that I must admit I did like a lot. Other than that though the action is mostly just a bunch of retarded and unoriginal melee that, like most of the movie, leaves you sobbing for something that you might actually recognize from the game. So as far as being an enjoyable bad movie it certainly has the elements and there were moments that made me laugh out loud. I imagine those out there who do not share my frustration with Hollywood’s bastardization of video games will enjoy this movie even more than I did. While I may not care about Doom itself it seems to have opened some old wounds. As I said it has all the makings of a great bad movie and no doubt there are those out there for whom this film will resonate with as one of their favorites. I can definitely understand and appreciate that.
Stupid Shit
You could probably fill a book on the stupid crap that was in this movie but here are some of the major things that bothered me.
You do realize that if you’re being electrocuted you can’t really use your muscles so that whole Destroyer melee scene just wouldn’t work.
I have to believe it takes more than a quick nap to rewrite your entire DNA structure. And really, humans are born with a library of DNA in each of their cells that has every possible DNA code. Which means you wouldn’t need to (and probably couldn’t) create a synthetic chromosome. You would just have to activate the existing lines of code already inside the cells.
Part of Sarge’s mission was to recover the company’s property right? Couldn’t the company scientists be considered company property and so his desire to slaughter them is flawed?
Near the end there Sarge said he had one more shot left right? But the Bio Force Gun is supposed to draw energy from living tissue in the immediate area. Hence, “Bio Force” Gun.
In the bathroom scene couldn’t that guy load his gun with another clip and then try to retrieve his dropped one?
So you’re willing to uphold a piece of the main character’s back-story but you just completely drop the fact the reason why things went crazy is that the researchers were trying to create a teleporter and they accidentally opened a door into a realm (some would say hell) where terrible monsters lived and now they are able to pass into our dimension? You really thought all the crap about Martians and Arks and chromosomes was really better huh? Well they aren’t.
7.31.2008
7.29.2008
Zombie Strippers Review
Title: Zombie Strippers (2008)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Live Dead Nudes”
My Tagline: “Stiff, Nude, Girls!”
Favorite Quote: “Iraq is making us enough money to make God cream in his fucking jeans!”
Plot Synopsis: In the not too distant future a zombie virus makes its way into the inner workings of an illegal strip club run by Robert Englund. The strippers who become infected with this virus are not only brought back from the dead but become “super-strippers” garnering them much praise and cash. The downside is that zombies inevitably do what zombies do and that’s eat living flesh. Those they partially devour become infected leaving the crew of the Rhino strip club with a nasty zombie problem to deal with. Refusing to face the obvious problems that arise from allowing your girls to eat your costumers Robert Englund decides to allow the feast to continue as he is making slightly more money then he was. You could make the argument that he will eventually run out of costumers and therefore will make no money but hey, we wouldn’t have a movie if people thought things through.
I was destined to like this movie. It has two of my favorite things. Zombies and strippers.
Review: I always feel weird about doing bad movie reviews for comedies. I guess I just want to help people become more aware of this movie. Since it is a comedy the best consideration I can give it would be whether or not I think it’s funny. And I do. Probably the best laughs can be derived from the characters but the movie is full of humor ranging from social and political satire to movie references, general absurdity, and more subtle things like the blonde bimbo reading Nietzsche. Overall I’d say it is an enjoyable experience that I would recommend to other horror/comedy fans. If however you want a movie that was meant to be good but ended up bad then this isn’t the film for you. It’s supposed to be funny.
Take it off!
For some of my hornier readers out there I will go ahead and answer some of the questions that are no doubt burning in your mind. And yes, there is a considerable amount of stripping and nudity in this film. Unfortunately, it is done by people who look like real strippers and not Hollywood actresses playing strippers so the action is more vomit-inducing than boner producing. I haven’t been this grossed out by a woman working the pole since Lindsey Lohan greased up the runway with her gin-sweat and vagibrand cigarettes in “I Know Who Killed Me.” Most of the action involves the one and only Jenna Jameson who is apparently, and for reasons far beyond my comprehension, just about the most popular pornstar in the world right now. I’d say she looks more like something a cryptozoologist wrestled to the ground in the Amazon and attempted to bring back to the states for gawking only to have it break it’s bindings and assimilate into the California population where her inbred deformities where mistaken for plastic surgery. So rather than have a title like Zombie Strippers which naturally makes us anticipate stripping just to mercifully disappoint us, as one might expect, the film subjects us to what feels like hours of bare breasted torture. To add insult to injury us lonely zombie geeks are not only forced to sit through fugly stripping but there are plenty of very attractive women in the movie who you would actually want to see naked but alas, we never do. It’s high school all over again. The pretty girls are too prudish and annoying leaving us with Bigfoot spawn and emo chicks with pierced nipples. Girls, girls everywhere but nary a poon to pound. My advice would be that when one of the ladies (and I use the term loosely) takes the stage reach for your favorite porno mag, pry the pages apart, and look at something that will make you happy. Unless you’re one of those people who gets off on feeling sick.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Live Dead Nudes”
My Tagline: “Stiff, Nude, Girls!”
Favorite Quote: “Iraq is making us enough money to make God cream in his fucking jeans!”
Plot Synopsis: In the not too distant future a zombie virus makes its way into the inner workings of an illegal strip club run by Robert Englund. The strippers who become infected with this virus are not only brought back from the dead but become “super-strippers” garnering them much praise and cash. The downside is that zombies inevitably do what zombies do and that’s eat living flesh. Those they partially devour become infected leaving the crew of the Rhino strip club with a nasty zombie problem to deal with. Refusing to face the obvious problems that arise from allowing your girls to eat your costumers Robert Englund decides to allow the feast to continue as he is making slightly more money then he was. You could make the argument that he will eventually run out of costumers and therefore will make no money but hey, we wouldn’t have a movie if people thought things through.
I was destined to like this movie. It has two of my favorite things. Zombies and strippers.
Review: I always feel weird about doing bad movie reviews for comedies. I guess I just want to help people become more aware of this movie. Since it is a comedy the best consideration I can give it would be whether or not I think it’s funny. And I do. Probably the best laughs can be derived from the characters but the movie is full of humor ranging from social and political satire to movie references, general absurdity, and more subtle things like the blonde bimbo reading Nietzsche. Overall I’d say it is an enjoyable experience that I would recommend to other horror/comedy fans. If however you want a movie that was meant to be good but ended up bad then this isn’t the film for you. It’s supposed to be funny.
Take it off!
For some of my hornier readers out there I will go ahead and answer some of the questions that are no doubt burning in your mind. And yes, there is a considerable amount of stripping and nudity in this film. Unfortunately, it is done by people who look like real strippers and not Hollywood actresses playing strippers so the action is more vomit-inducing than boner producing. I haven’t been this grossed out by a woman working the pole since Lindsey Lohan greased up the runway with her gin-sweat and vagibrand cigarettes in “I Know Who Killed Me.” Most of the action involves the one and only Jenna Jameson who is apparently, and for reasons far beyond my comprehension, just about the most popular pornstar in the world right now. I’d say she looks more like something a cryptozoologist wrestled to the ground in the Amazon and attempted to bring back to the states for gawking only to have it break it’s bindings and assimilate into the California population where her inbred deformities where mistaken for plastic surgery. So rather than have a title like Zombie Strippers which naturally makes us anticipate stripping just to mercifully disappoint us, as one might expect, the film subjects us to what feels like hours of bare breasted torture. To add insult to injury us lonely zombie geeks are not only forced to sit through fugly stripping but there are plenty of very attractive women in the movie who you would actually want to see naked but alas, we never do. It’s high school all over again. The pretty girls are too prudish and annoying leaving us with Bigfoot spawn and emo chicks with pierced nipples. Girls, girls everywhere but nary a poon to pound. My advice would be that when one of the ladies (and I use the term loosely) takes the stage reach for your favorite porno mag, pry the pages apart, and look at something that will make you happy. Unless you’re one of those people who gets off on feeling sick.
7.26.2008
Snakes on a Plane Review
Title: Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Sit Back. Relax. Enjoy the fright!”
My Tagline: “Dude, it’s SNAKES on a PLANE. Dat shit is off da hook y’all!”
Favorite Quote: “Get off my Dick! Get off my Dick!”
Plot Synopsis: The movie’s title is Snakes on a Plane. Three guesses what it’s about.
Review: It was probably impossible for this movie to live up to the build in excitement leading to its release but now that the dreams have been shattered and the illusions cast aside we can finally step back and examine this movie fairly. This was a rather rare case where a film was universally recognized as, and anticipated because, of pure awfulness. Rather than then the “good film gone bad” formula we are familiar with this film was almost tailor-made for the bad movie fan. I have heard rumors that some involved, like the director, actually believed in the project and operated under the insane idea that the film was a quality picture and it was only later after the buzz swirling around the movie was related to how bad it must be did they say it was always meant to be a bad movie. The idea that any right-minded human being could ever conceive of this movie as an actual cinematic triumph with moving character and story is so ridicules that I refuse to accept the possibility. But whether it was always meant to be this way or whether it started out noble only to fall from grace there’s no getting around the fact that this film is wonderfully terrible. Everything about it is bad. There are no saving graces or “well at least such-and-such was good” moments. Whether it’s the terrible CGI, the brilliantly bad dialogue, the dwelling shots, the either totally lame or too-good-for this-movie acting, the ridicules character dynamics, or just the overall feeling of complete nonsense that this film embodies, everything about it is dreadful. And it’s a lot of fun.
The Best of the Worst
As with many great cinematic masterpieces the best part, and the real heart of the film, is the characters. Not only are each of them infinitely lame, shallow, and undeveloped but watching how they relate to each other from minute to minute is an interesting character study. Some characters only seem to exist when they are needed while the sudden focus on another will have you saying “where the hell is all this coming from?” On a dime people will turn on each other just to be hugging one another the next minute. Characters will simply drop quirks like OCD when it’s more convenient to the story for them to be physically affectionate with total strangers. Brief lines relating to a character’s past and their relationship to others trapped on the plane will abruptly appear as some kind of half-assed attempt to bring emotion and conflict to the screen. These awkward and undeveloped moments will pass by so quickly you will be unsure if they really happened because the idea of someone trying to cram something legitimate amongst all this crap is simply mindboggling. As with just about any horror film at least one discussion took place on set where the topic of the day was cool death scenes and fun moments. This collaborative spirit has lead to some of cinema’s greatest death scenes and with this film’s almost unique killing machine at work (snakes) some doors where opened leading to fun possibilities, nearly all of which were explored. Now I tend to favor those movies that were made with the greatest of intentions and were always meant to emerge as masterpieces but somewhere along the way ended up on the B-reels but I can’t deny that a movie like this is fun too. Given how great it is and the large amount of even mainstream excitement leading up to it I would say that this movie is a must-see for any bad movie or horror movie fan.
Questions and Observations
Now I love video games more than any human being who has ever or will ever live but even I didn’t get the whole discussion and arguing about the merits of flight simulation. And I hope you realize that those autopilots are advanced enough that they can land themselves. No one even needed to be at the controls and even if they did Mythbusters proved that even laymen can be guided to safely land a commercial jet.
It’s always nice to see that Kenan can still find work but does anyone know what happened to Kel?
Believe it or not a Kevlar vest wouldn’t protect you from a snake bite if its fangs were long enough so if that was a poisonous snake our surfer hero would be dead. Though I guess the anti-venom was just a few feet away…
So do you think Kim was convicted or what? I’m going to say that Surfer-witness was sniped while surfing with Sam Jackson a fraction of a second after the shot we saw cut away.
Gee, if all it takes to screw up a plane’s internal systems like that is a few light snakes squirming around I don’t ever what to fly.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Sit Back. Relax. Enjoy the fright!”
My Tagline: “Dude, it’s SNAKES on a PLANE. Dat shit is off da hook y’all!”
Favorite Quote: “Get off my Dick! Get off my Dick!”
Plot Synopsis: The movie’s title is Snakes on a Plane. Three guesses what it’s about.
Review: It was probably impossible for this movie to live up to the build in excitement leading to its release but now that the dreams have been shattered and the illusions cast aside we can finally step back and examine this movie fairly. This was a rather rare case where a film was universally recognized as, and anticipated because, of pure awfulness. Rather than then the “good film gone bad” formula we are familiar with this film was almost tailor-made for the bad movie fan. I have heard rumors that some involved, like the director, actually believed in the project and operated under the insane idea that the film was a quality picture and it was only later after the buzz swirling around the movie was related to how bad it must be did they say it was always meant to be a bad movie. The idea that any right-minded human being could ever conceive of this movie as an actual cinematic triumph with moving character and story is so ridicules that I refuse to accept the possibility. But whether it was always meant to be this way or whether it started out noble only to fall from grace there’s no getting around the fact that this film is wonderfully terrible. Everything about it is bad. There are no saving graces or “well at least such-and-such was good” moments. Whether it’s the terrible CGI, the brilliantly bad dialogue, the dwelling shots, the either totally lame or too-good-for this-movie acting, the ridicules character dynamics, or just the overall feeling of complete nonsense that this film embodies, everything about it is dreadful. And it’s a lot of fun.
The Best of the Worst
As with many great cinematic masterpieces the best part, and the real heart of the film, is the characters. Not only are each of them infinitely lame, shallow, and undeveloped but watching how they relate to each other from minute to minute is an interesting character study. Some characters only seem to exist when they are needed while the sudden focus on another will have you saying “where the hell is all this coming from?” On a dime people will turn on each other just to be hugging one another the next minute. Characters will simply drop quirks like OCD when it’s more convenient to the story for them to be physically affectionate with total strangers. Brief lines relating to a character’s past and their relationship to others trapped on the plane will abruptly appear as some kind of half-assed attempt to bring emotion and conflict to the screen. These awkward and undeveloped moments will pass by so quickly you will be unsure if they really happened because the idea of someone trying to cram something legitimate amongst all this crap is simply mindboggling. As with just about any horror film at least one discussion took place on set where the topic of the day was cool death scenes and fun moments. This collaborative spirit has lead to some of cinema’s greatest death scenes and with this film’s almost unique killing machine at work (snakes) some doors where opened leading to fun possibilities, nearly all of which were explored. Now I tend to favor those movies that were made with the greatest of intentions and were always meant to emerge as masterpieces but somewhere along the way ended up on the B-reels but I can’t deny that a movie like this is fun too. Given how great it is and the large amount of even mainstream excitement leading up to it I would say that this movie is a must-see for any bad movie or horror movie fan.
Questions and Observations
Now I love video games more than any human being who has ever or will ever live but even I didn’t get the whole discussion and arguing about the merits of flight simulation. And I hope you realize that those autopilots are advanced enough that they can land themselves. No one even needed to be at the controls and even if they did Mythbusters proved that even laymen can be guided to safely land a commercial jet.
It’s always nice to see that Kenan can still find work but does anyone know what happened to Kel?
Believe it or not a Kevlar vest wouldn’t protect you from a snake bite if its fangs were long enough so if that was a poisonous snake our surfer hero would be dead. Though I guess the anti-venom was just a few feet away…
So do you think Kim was convicted or what? I’m going to say that Surfer-witness was sniped while surfing with Sam Jackson a fraction of a second after the shot we saw cut away.
Gee, if all it takes to screw up a plane’s internal systems like that is a few light snakes squirming around I don’t ever what to fly.
5.27.2008
Jive Turkey Review
Title: Jive Turkey a.k.a. Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes (1974)
Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tagline: “It’s niggerish.”
Favorite Quote: The song, “I’m niggerish.”
Plot Synopsis: At the beginning of the movie it claims to be based on actual events but I have my doubts. It also claims to take place in 1956 even though in every way, shape, and form it is so clearly 1974. The way people dress, the way they talk, their attitudes, everything says this is a film that takes place during the seventies. As far as the overall plot goes, like with many bad movies, this one makes very little to no sense. It is mostly centered on this crime king pin guy “Pasha.” He runs something called “the numbers game.” For those of us who are unfamiliar with poor urban organized gambling we are never given an explanation, or even a single clue, as to just what the hell the numbers game might be. But one way or another Pasha runs the numbers and he stays out of the other rackets like drugs. Two forces converge to bring an end to Pasha’s high class (you’ll have to take the movie’s word for it) lifestyle leaving him with the options of fight, fly, or die. Naturally this wouldn’t be much of a movie without any conflict so Pasha decides he will fight. The first force of opposition is a rival gang and its local leader Tony (we’re expected to believe they’re Italian, again you’ll just have to take the movie’s word for it) who is no longer satisfied with their drug money and wishes to replace Pasha as the city’s sole provider of the number’s game. The second force Pasha must tangle with is City Hall itself. The mayor is up for reelection and the people are fed up with the violence that has gripped their city. (again this is more of a seventies theme and there is no explanation for this violence as it looks to me like most of the gangs are minding their own business and there seems to be no reason for the civilian carnage witnessed at the start of the film) In his battle with City Hall Pasha has the advantage as the Chief of Police is on the take and warns Pasha of eminent raids. He also explains to Pasha that if he were to only sell out some of his employees by allowing them to get arrested then the heat would die down. Instead Pasha repeatedly uses his money to get his men out of jail. In his fight with Tony he is at a significant disadvantage. Not only is he busy dealing with the pigs but Tony has a rat amongst Pasha’s ranks. Every move Pasha makes Tony knows about it. The movie is the incoherent and bizarre tale of the events that spring from this major conflict. For Tony things are personal which causes him to make mistakes, for the city it’s a race against time and a way to bring the niggers down a peg, and for Pasha it’s a fight for survival. Who will win out? You the viewer, that’s who.
A Movie as Great as its Name
Review: This is one weird-ass movie brimming with transvestite assassins, crazy original songs, and all of those wonderful little moments or even just shots that serve as the bad movie fans’ reason for existence. It has all the bad movie archetypes such as terrible dialogue that makes no sense 90% of the time and is often spoken in the most ridiculous ways for no apparent reason. (Mamma Lottie) It has technical issues like the boom mike appearing in shots and it has logic and logistical issues up the whazoo. Including that bad movie classic, completely unnecessary fist-fight scene where the characters have guns they could use. Some other highlights include a Human-Koala hybrid and, this film’s most impressive feat, a scene in Hell. I’m sure it can’t be easy getting those permits from Satan but somehow they did it and Mamma Lottie’s opium den is a scene straight out of the second circle of Hades itself. For those who enjoy movies where they will find themselves constantly struggling with what is going on and just trying to get the movie in general this is a perfect film. As with many bad movies the biggest appeal of this film is the great moments they provide. Whether they’re awkward, silly, pointless, or just plain stupid they are those few seconds of footage that makes our hearts swell and our tummies jiggle with laughter. And they all stem from the films that took themselves seriously all the way to the end but just couldn’t pull it off. Experiencing these moments is often like wading through waist-deep sewage looking for diamonds. You will often find some but was it worth the ride? Well with an only 86-minute runtime and some very unique content interspersed throughout an awesomely bad movie I can say safely that Jive Turkey is worth it. Not only is it fun on it’s own but it is also rife for riffing. While watching I was a bit restless but the more time passes the more I enjoy the movie. Others who have seen the film sound the same; it grows on you long after the credits have finished rolling. I hope I have not over-hyped the movie too much because even I (at first) was a little disappointed when the film wasn’t quite what I had expected after hearing tales of this film’s greatness. Just let go and let Jive Turkey do its magic.
Questions: While watching your mind asks dozens of little questions but the big ones that last even after the movie is over will likely include:
-Just what the Hell is this “numbers game” everybody’s supposedly playing?
-So was Sweetman Serene? There are three different names credited for two roles and during that Sweetman flashback sequence there’s a shot of Serene and they each had the same mole on their cheek. And apparently I was mistaken but I originally thought the undercover cop was Sweetman. I guess that’s why I wasn’t shocked when it turned out he was the rat. Why else would they focus on him all the time? I guess I was wrong about the cop but now there’s the question about the Sweetman/Serene connection.
-So Tony and Pasha grew up together? How does an Italian white kid and a poor black kid living in Chicago roughly around the 1910s end up sharing a childhood together?
-A powerful black lawyer in 1956?
-Just what the fuck was the deal with Serene anyway? I guess the mystery is the appeal but you could do a whole movie about her/his back-story.
Rating: 5 out of 5
My Tagline: “It’s niggerish.”
Favorite Quote: The song, “I’m niggerish.”
Plot Synopsis: At the beginning of the movie it claims to be based on actual events but I have my doubts. It also claims to take place in 1956 even though in every way, shape, and form it is so clearly 1974. The way people dress, the way they talk, their attitudes, everything says this is a film that takes place during the seventies. As far as the overall plot goes, like with many bad movies, this one makes very little to no sense. It is mostly centered on this crime king pin guy “Pasha.” He runs something called “the numbers game.” For those of us who are unfamiliar with poor urban organized gambling we are never given an explanation, or even a single clue, as to just what the hell the numbers game might be. But one way or another Pasha runs the numbers and he stays out of the other rackets like drugs. Two forces converge to bring an end to Pasha’s high class (you’ll have to take the movie’s word for it) lifestyle leaving him with the options of fight, fly, or die. Naturally this wouldn’t be much of a movie without any conflict so Pasha decides he will fight. The first force of opposition is a rival gang and its local leader Tony (we’re expected to believe they’re Italian, again you’ll just have to take the movie’s word for it) who is no longer satisfied with their drug money and wishes to replace Pasha as the city’s sole provider of the number’s game. The second force Pasha must tangle with is City Hall itself. The mayor is up for reelection and the people are fed up with the violence that has gripped their city. (again this is more of a seventies theme and there is no explanation for this violence as it looks to me like most of the gangs are minding their own business and there seems to be no reason for the civilian carnage witnessed at the start of the film) In his battle with City Hall Pasha has the advantage as the Chief of Police is on the take and warns Pasha of eminent raids. He also explains to Pasha that if he were to only sell out some of his employees by allowing them to get arrested then the heat would die down. Instead Pasha repeatedly uses his money to get his men out of jail. In his fight with Tony he is at a significant disadvantage. Not only is he busy dealing with the pigs but Tony has a rat amongst Pasha’s ranks. Every move Pasha makes Tony knows about it. The movie is the incoherent and bizarre tale of the events that spring from this major conflict. For Tony things are personal which causes him to make mistakes, for the city it’s a race against time and a way to bring the niggers down a peg, and for Pasha it’s a fight for survival. Who will win out? You the viewer, that’s who.
A Movie as Great as its Name
Review: This is one weird-ass movie brimming with transvestite assassins, crazy original songs, and all of those wonderful little moments or even just shots that serve as the bad movie fans’ reason for existence. It has all the bad movie archetypes such as terrible dialogue that makes no sense 90% of the time and is often spoken in the most ridiculous ways for no apparent reason. (Mamma Lottie) It has technical issues like the boom mike appearing in shots and it has logic and logistical issues up the whazoo. Including that bad movie classic, completely unnecessary fist-fight scene where the characters have guns they could use. Some other highlights include a Human-Koala hybrid and, this film’s most impressive feat, a scene in Hell. I’m sure it can’t be easy getting those permits from Satan but somehow they did it and Mamma Lottie’s opium den is a scene straight out of the second circle of Hades itself. For those who enjoy movies where they will find themselves constantly struggling with what is going on and just trying to get the movie in general this is a perfect film. As with many bad movies the biggest appeal of this film is the great moments they provide. Whether they’re awkward, silly, pointless, or just plain stupid they are those few seconds of footage that makes our hearts swell and our tummies jiggle with laughter. And they all stem from the films that took themselves seriously all the way to the end but just couldn’t pull it off. Experiencing these moments is often like wading through waist-deep sewage looking for diamonds. You will often find some but was it worth the ride? Well with an only 86-minute runtime and some very unique content interspersed throughout an awesomely bad movie I can say safely that Jive Turkey is worth it. Not only is it fun on it’s own but it is also rife for riffing. While watching I was a bit restless but the more time passes the more I enjoy the movie. Others who have seen the film sound the same; it grows on you long after the credits have finished rolling. I hope I have not over-hyped the movie too much because even I (at first) was a little disappointed when the film wasn’t quite what I had expected after hearing tales of this film’s greatness. Just let go and let Jive Turkey do its magic.
Questions: While watching your mind asks dozens of little questions but the big ones that last even after the movie is over will likely include:
-Just what the Hell is this “numbers game” everybody’s supposedly playing?
-So was Sweetman Serene? There are three different names credited for two roles and during that Sweetman flashback sequence there’s a shot of Serene and they each had the same mole on their cheek. And apparently I was mistaken but I originally thought the undercover cop was Sweetman. I guess that’s why I wasn’t shocked when it turned out he was the rat. Why else would they focus on him all the time? I guess I was wrong about the cop but now there’s the question about the Sweetman/Serene connection.
-So Tony and Pasha grew up together? How does an Italian white kid and a poor black kid living in Chicago roughly around the 1910s end up sharing a childhood together?
-A powerful black lawyer in 1956?
-Just what the fuck was the deal with Serene anyway? I guess the mystery is the appeal but you could do a whole movie about her/his back-story.
5.24.2008
TNT Jackson Review
Title: T.N.T. Jackson (1975)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “She’s a One Mama Massacre Squad!”
My Taglines: “The Battle of the ‘Fros!” & “A Bellbottomed, Black-Skinned Battleacolypse of Berating Badassyness!”
Favorite Quote: “You want it black? You got it black!” & “‘I’m a government agent. ‘Yeah, and I’m Snow White suffering from a sunburn.’”
Plot Synopsis: I’ll admit that the sound and lighting was so bad that at least once I was pretty confused (though it was probably the script) but as near as I can tell it’s a pretty straightforward story. Jackson, “That’s TNT to you!” is in Hong Kong looking for her lost brother. Little does she know he had gotten involved with heroin dealers and has been murdered by her soon to be lover. (If you are confused during the opening scene what you are watching is the brother’s murder.) It’s pretty clear it would take a meteorite strike for TNT not to be lead to her brother’s murderer as within an hour of entering the city, and constantly throughout the film, she encounters and interacts with members of the gang who gone and done her brother in. For reasons beyond my understanding the gang has an interest in Jackson and is often worried about her. She is later blamed for somehow orchestrating heists against them. How? She is new in town and as far as they know just looking for work with Asian Joe. How in the world do you make the connection between someone who has spent all of two days in your town and someone who is extensively knowledgeable of your gang’s inner workings as well as the inner workings of the entire city’s underworld? It would be like if I, a chubby white suburbanite, were to visit Japan for a few days and the Yakuza blaming me for setting them up on a deal that went sour. But anyway, it’s a standard martial arts movie plot with espionage, betrayal, gangsters, revenge, cannon fodder, fighting and a little lovin’.
Review: If I were to learn my history from 1970s martial arts movies I’d say there was a mass migration of African Americans to Hong Kong and China during those years. All of whom wore bellbottoms, had afros, and were inexplicably skilled in martial arts. One fun thing about this movie that separates it from the others is that or hero is not a hero but a heroine, a black heroine with an afro and bellbottoms who is slightly skilled in waving her arms around and flipping. Which by the way, if any of you fellas out there like strong women and have a touch of the jungle fever then this movie is a must see because it takes one tough mama to kick that much booty topless. Plus Miss Bell is a former playmate who filmed this during the peak of her physical prowess so…yeah. And there’s some Asian boobage as well as some American side-boob so it’s the movie that has something for everyone. Well, except straight women and gay guys of course.
Well anyway, as I was saying this movie is very similar yet very different from the other films in its genre which naturally makes it stand out. The uniqueness, poor production, lame acting, silly dialogue, and memorable moments really help catapult this movie into potential cult film status. There really is a scene where TNT fights topless. There were some scenes so dark that it made me say, “Now I’m sure something is going on, I’m just not sure what.” The dialogue made me chuckle out loud and the acting alternates from dull reading to disappearing/reappearing accents with actual inflection. The fight sequences are a bit repetitive but fun in there own ways. One of them almost looked like they filmed using a higher frame rate then the standard sixty-frames-per-second and figured they could speed up and slow down as needed and make little edits. Well much of the fights looked like they acted it out slowly and then later just sped the footage up, and the fact that I’m mentioning it is a testament to how well this technique worked out. And the editing is far from smooth and seamless. I was surprised to not see thumbprints and pieces of scotch tape go flying by. It was so jerky and damaged it was like watching a 1920s film reel at times.
Overall T.N.T. Jackson was an attempt at a gritty and realistic movie (as evidenced by its use of nudity, strong themes, and fowl language) that simply never had a chance at being legitimately good given the over-the-top protagonist and pretty clear budget/time constraints. It may not touch us in some deep and meaningful way but its still fun to watch if you like bad movies. I for one will almost always like a movie that has people sending their fists through people’s torsos.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “She’s a One Mama Massacre Squad!”
My Taglines: “The Battle of the ‘Fros!” & “A Bellbottomed, Black-Skinned Battleacolypse of Berating Badassyness!”
Favorite Quote: “You want it black? You got it black!” & “‘I’m a government agent. ‘Yeah, and I’m Snow White suffering from a sunburn.’”
Plot Synopsis: I’ll admit that the sound and lighting was so bad that at least once I was pretty confused (though it was probably the script) but as near as I can tell it’s a pretty straightforward story. Jackson, “That’s TNT to you!” is in Hong Kong looking for her lost brother. Little does she know he had gotten involved with heroin dealers and has been murdered by her soon to be lover. (If you are confused during the opening scene what you are watching is the brother’s murder.) It’s pretty clear it would take a meteorite strike for TNT not to be lead to her brother’s murderer as within an hour of entering the city, and constantly throughout the film, she encounters and interacts with members of the gang who gone and done her brother in. For reasons beyond my understanding the gang has an interest in Jackson and is often worried about her. She is later blamed for somehow orchestrating heists against them. How? She is new in town and as far as they know just looking for work with Asian Joe. How in the world do you make the connection between someone who has spent all of two days in your town and someone who is extensively knowledgeable of your gang’s inner workings as well as the inner workings of the entire city’s underworld? It would be like if I, a chubby white suburbanite, were to visit Japan for a few days and the Yakuza blaming me for setting them up on a deal that went sour. But anyway, it’s a standard martial arts movie plot with espionage, betrayal, gangsters, revenge, cannon fodder, fighting and a little lovin’.
Review: If I were to learn my history from 1970s martial arts movies I’d say there was a mass migration of African Americans to Hong Kong and China during those years. All of whom wore bellbottoms, had afros, and were inexplicably skilled in martial arts. One fun thing about this movie that separates it from the others is that or hero is not a hero but a heroine, a black heroine with an afro and bellbottoms who is slightly skilled in waving her arms around and flipping. Which by the way, if any of you fellas out there like strong women and have a touch of the jungle fever then this movie is a must see because it takes one tough mama to kick that much booty topless. Plus Miss Bell is a former playmate who filmed this during the peak of her physical prowess so…yeah. And there’s some Asian boobage as well as some American side-boob so it’s the movie that has something for everyone. Well, except straight women and gay guys of course.
Well anyway, as I was saying this movie is very similar yet very different from the other films in its genre which naturally makes it stand out. The uniqueness, poor production, lame acting, silly dialogue, and memorable moments really help catapult this movie into potential cult film status. There really is a scene where TNT fights topless. There were some scenes so dark that it made me say, “Now I’m sure something is going on, I’m just not sure what.” The dialogue made me chuckle out loud and the acting alternates from dull reading to disappearing/reappearing accents with actual inflection. The fight sequences are a bit repetitive but fun in there own ways. One of them almost looked like they filmed using a higher frame rate then the standard sixty-frames-per-second and figured they could speed up and slow down as needed and make little edits. Well much of the fights looked like they acted it out slowly and then later just sped the footage up, and the fact that I’m mentioning it is a testament to how well this technique worked out. And the editing is far from smooth and seamless. I was surprised to not see thumbprints and pieces of scotch tape go flying by. It was so jerky and damaged it was like watching a 1920s film reel at times.
Overall T.N.T. Jackson was an attempt at a gritty and realistic movie (as evidenced by its use of nudity, strong themes, and fowl language) that simply never had a chance at being legitimately good given the over-the-top protagonist and pretty clear budget/time constraints. It may not touch us in some deep and meaningful way but its still fun to watch if you like bad movies. I for one will almost always like a movie that has people sending their fists through people’s torsos.
3.12.2008
Scream Bloody Murder Review
Title: Scream Bloody Murder a.k.a Claw of Terror a.k.a. Matthew a.k.a The Captive Female (1973)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
My Tagline: “And people thought the murderer in Sling Blade was crazy.”
Body Count: 11 people, 1 dog
Favorite Quote: “Know what I mean?”
Plot Synopsis: What if Kevin Bacon and Clint Eastwood had a bastard love child who for no apparent reason loved murder and inexplicably had some serious issues with women? It is this scenario that the obviously disturbed people behind “Scream Bloody Murder” explored. The movie begins when, for no reason at all, our young hero murders his father with a bulldozer and runs over his own hand. Now I’m no farmer but do you really plow an empty field with a bulldozer? And shouldn’t he have run over his right hand so he could kill people with his left or “sinister” hand? Though they did give him hook-hand so I guess that’s something. As I said there is no motivation given for his actions though I like to think the kid walked in on his parents having rough sex. This idea coupled with repressed guilt over killing so many people might account for some of his psychosis but at no point is even an attempt to understand this mammary-phobic Momma murdering Matthew made. So little Matt gets sent off to the loony bin not to return home until he is…well they don’t say what age he is supposed to be but he’s clearly in his twenties. It just so happens he comes home on the day his mother remarries with some redneck. This doesn’t sit well with Matthew and he goes a little crazy with an axe…well a lot crazy with an axe. This sends him on the run and not two hours after leaving home the next morning the dude kills two more people. With five dead and a child disfigured within the first twenty minutes I was starting to worry this movie was going to be a blood bath. Things calm down just a bit though as ol’ Matty makes a hooker friend named Vera, or as he later insists on calling her, Daisy. After some more murder Matthew kidnaps Vera and holds her hostage in a mansion he has taken over. Daisy doesn’t take to this new living arrangement too well and outsiders eventually play their part to interfere. Matthew’s world implodes in on itself finally culminating in a bizarre and disorienting scene in a random church. One thing I’ll say for this movie is that it slowly gets progressively crazier without peaking in the middle and just when you think things can’t get any more crazy BAM! There’s something crazier.
“I feel like a dog on a leash.”
I find the character Vera a little funny in that she seems completely incapable of gauging people and must be totally unafraid of harm. She only charged twenty bucks for what must have been hours of sex (I have to pay that much just to get a girl to touch me) and seems degradingly comfortable with her lifestyle. I find the actress who plays Vera a bit funny in that despite the fact she was willing to play a hooker, agreed to be bound and gagged for hours on end, spends a significant portion of the movie running around in just a towel, and at one point is indeed bare-ass naked we never see a nipple or ass. These are staples of slasher films and their absence in a movie where we are forced to watch poor woman jump around a house while hogtied and dial a turn-style phone with her tongue (I see why she became a hooker) seems just a little strange to me. Maybe it was a crew choice over actor’s choice. I don’t know but even while in production they had to know they were on a sinking ship and the only way to get some floatation was to throw in some nice bazongas. With fully clothed bondage you’re only appealing to a niche market and if you want to fill those seats you need universally appealing T&A.
Review: Those who will especially enjoy this movie are those who really like bad acting and bizarre characters. This is a standard variable in the equation for fun-bad movies but in this area “Scream Bloody Murder” triumphs. The death scenes are hilarious and I would argue are among the best, or worst depending on how you look at it, in movie history. Apparently a human’s skin is as fragile as tissue paper and our bones have the compressive strength of peanut brittle. Our bodies contain maybe four ounces worth of blood, mostly kept in a small pouch in our mouth, that once lost instantly kills us. And we don’t struggle to survive or anything. Once we are injured we’re dead. Now maybe I’m spoiled but I just can’t believe people used to watch things with such lousy film quality. It was like wearing someone else’s prescription glasses. I don’t know what they were going for at the first of the movie but it looked terrible. The look improved over time but unfortunately the writing did not. And that Matthew guy is one fucked up little dude. Overall I’d say it was incompetently produced and very stupid but I would recommend it to other bad movie fans. So get out there and watch it.
Questions: -Just what he hell was Matthew’s problem anyway?
-So was Daisy his Mom’s name or something? And her hair was black so why was he so instantly drawn to the redheaded hooker?
-Wasn’t his mom a little young to have such an old kid? And her new husband said he was going to explain all about sex that night but she’s already had a kid so shouldn’t she already be familiar with the mechanics?
-Why the hell was Vera so stupid and trusting? And wouldn’t she make more money working a regular job if being a hooker meant being paid twenty bucks for half a day’s work?
-And wasn’t that the most persistent candy salesman ever?
-Didn’t Matthew seem a little too well educated for just being released from a mental hospital? I mean, he went there before he even hit puberty but he knew how to drive and was friendly with people and everything.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
My Tagline: “And people thought the murderer in Sling Blade was crazy.”
Body Count: 11 people, 1 dog
Favorite Quote: “Know what I mean?”
Plot Synopsis: What if Kevin Bacon and Clint Eastwood had a bastard love child who for no apparent reason loved murder and inexplicably had some serious issues with women? It is this scenario that the obviously disturbed people behind “Scream Bloody Murder” explored. The movie begins when, for no reason at all, our young hero murders his father with a bulldozer and runs over his own hand. Now I’m no farmer but do you really plow an empty field with a bulldozer? And shouldn’t he have run over his right hand so he could kill people with his left or “sinister” hand? Though they did give him hook-hand so I guess that’s something. As I said there is no motivation given for his actions though I like to think the kid walked in on his parents having rough sex. This idea coupled with repressed guilt over killing so many people might account for some of his psychosis but at no point is even an attempt to understand this mammary-phobic Momma murdering Matthew made. So little Matt gets sent off to the loony bin not to return home until he is…well they don’t say what age he is supposed to be but he’s clearly in his twenties. It just so happens he comes home on the day his mother remarries with some redneck. This doesn’t sit well with Matthew and he goes a little crazy with an axe…well a lot crazy with an axe. This sends him on the run and not two hours after leaving home the next morning the dude kills two more people. With five dead and a child disfigured within the first twenty minutes I was starting to worry this movie was going to be a blood bath. Things calm down just a bit though as ol’ Matty makes a hooker friend named Vera, or as he later insists on calling her, Daisy. After some more murder Matthew kidnaps Vera and holds her hostage in a mansion he has taken over. Daisy doesn’t take to this new living arrangement too well and outsiders eventually play their part to interfere. Matthew’s world implodes in on itself finally culminating in a bizarre and disorienting scene in a random church. One thing I’ll say for this movie is that it slowly gets progressively crazier without peaking in the middle and just when you think things can’t get any more crazy BAM! There’s something crazier.
“I feel like a dog on a leash.”
I find the character Vera a little funny in that she seems completely incapable of gauging people and must be totally unafraid of harm. She only charged twenty bucks for what must have been hours of sex (I have to pay that much just to get a girl to touch me) and seems degradingly comfortable with her lifestyle. I find the actress who plays Vera a bit funny in that despite the fact she was willing to play a hooker, agreed to be bound and gagged for hours on end, spends a significant portion of the movie running around in just a towel, and at one point is indeed bare-ass naked we never see a nipple or ass. These are staples of slasher films and their absence in a movie where we are forced to watch poor woman jump around a house while hogtied and dial a turn-style phone with her tongue (I see why she became a hooker) seems just a little strange to me. Maybe it was a crew choice over actor’s choice. I don’t know but even while in production they had to know they were on a sinking ship and the only way to get some floatation was to throw in some nice bazongas. With fully clothed bondage you’re only appealing to a niche market and if you want to fill those seats you need universally appealing T&A.
Review: Those who will especially enjoy this movie are those who really like bad acting and bizarre characters. This is a standard variable in the equation for fun-bad movies but in this area “Scream Bloody Murder” triumphs. The death scenes are hilarious and I would argue are among the best, or worst depending on how you look at it, in movie history. Apparently a human’s skin is as fragile as tissue paper and our bones have the compressive strength of peanut brittle. Our bodies contain maybe four ounces worth of blood, mostly kept in a small pouch in our mouth, that once lost instantly kills us. And we don’t struggle to survive or anything. Once we are injured we’re dead. Now maybe I’m spoiled but I just can’t believe people used to watch things with such lousy film quality. It was like wearing someone else’s prescription glasses. I don’t know what they were going for at the first of the movie but it looked terrible. The look improved over time but unfortunately the writing did not. And that Matthew guy is one fucked up little dude. Overall I’d say it was incompetently produced and very stupid but I would recommend it to other bad movie fans. So get out there and watch it.
Questions: -Just what he hell was Matthew’s problem anyway?
-So was Daisy his Mom’s name or something? And her hair was black so why was he so instantly drawn to the redheaded hooker?
-Wasn’t his mom a little young to have such an old kid? And her new husband said he was going to explain all about sex that night but she’s already had a kid so shouldn’t she already be familiar with the mechanics?
-Why the hell was Vera so stupid and trusting? And wouldn’t she make more money working a regular job if being a hooker meant being paid twenty bucks for half a day’s work?
-And wasn’t that the most persistent candy salesman ever?
-Didn’t Matthew seem a little too well educated for just being released from a mental hospital? I mean, he went there before he even hit puberty but he knew how to drive and was friendly with people and everything.
3.10.2008
Don't Look in the Basement Review
Title: Don’t Look in the Basement! a.k.a. The Forgotten a.k.a. Death Ward #13 (1973)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Not Recommended for Persons Over 30!”
My Tagline: “Not Recommended for any Persons Anywhere!”
Favorite Quote: “Good evening deary.” & “Objection overruled.” & (paraphrased) 'Why didn’t you call us to say that your phone was out?'
Plot Synopsis: At a remote sanitarium an axe-wielding mental patient murders his doctor and rather than report it to the police or do anything else that would be unnecessarily responsible the head nurse, Dr. Gerladine S. Masters, simply assumes the role of headmaster and tosses the corpse down into the basement. Shortly after the murder a young nurse, Jane St. Claire, that the good doctor had hired a week prior arrives to report for her new job. She is informed of the Doctor’s passing and is assimilated into the Sanitarium’s staff. Masters also explains that she intends to continue the Doctor’s work with his philosophies and theories as the guiding torch. These theories include the idea that the way to help cure the insane (and even schizophrenia) is to support and feed their delusions and obsessions so much that they will reach a point of collapse where they will “use their own strength” to pull themselves out of insanity. I guess it’s like hitting the restart button for your brain. Needless to say this approach doesn’t work and with every second that ticks by the inhabitants of this nuthouse get crazier and crazier until by the end everyone is a murderer. There’s also a major plot twist that I would hope we all saw coming a mile away.
Review: Who would have thought that running an illegal sanitarium out of a country house with a staff of two and where the patients are allowed to roam freely with access to axes, knifes, prescription drugs, and no locks on the doors would be such a bad idea? You would become one light sleeper in that place let me tell ya. Aside from poor ol’ Sam and maybe Sergeant Gaffee everyone in that place was bat shit insane, and I mean the dangerous kind. So why the hell were they kept there? It obviously wasn’t a state institution (unless things have gotten a lot worse than I thought) and these people were supposed to be “The Forgotten” so where’d the funding come from? Was the Doc rich or something? How did he get acquire these people? Couldn’t he have applied his whacked out theories on one patient first before taking on a ward’s worth of crazies? And what they hell was Danny’s problem? All you’d have to do is kill him and half the movie's conflicts would be resolved right there. And poor Sam, his problem was the Doctor gave him a lobotomy. If he hadn’t been held prisoner by these people he could be okay by now. I could go on all day but what I’m driving at here is that the movie has a few plot holes and the occasional gaping maw of backward reasoning. The trick is to find joy in this, not sorrow. The film is terrible and terribly fun to watch.
“Taste Me!”
This movie has some great lines and some terrifying close-ups that are so jarring it even puts “Killers From Space” to shame. And as far as those crazy characters that great bad movies need this film is bursting at the seams with them. (it takes place in a nuthouse after all) Everyone in this movie except Nurse Claire acts bizarre and brings something fun to the party. And they just seem to get worse and worse as the film continues. Nurse Claire is almost like the straight man for a comedian. All of the characters may be uniquely quirky and homicidal in their own very special ways but they need a unifying force to bring them together beyond the agitating force that is the prick Danny and it this need that Nurse Claire fulfills. She is no doubt a strong woman as well. If I was awoken in the middle of the night by Danny fondling me he’d be dead and I’d be outta there faster than you could demand that someone taste you and your new strawberry flavor. But Claire sticks it out right up until she starts screaming uncontrollably.
“Love me! Say it!”
There’s probably a lot I could say about this great movie but I’m worried it would reveal too much and may over-hype it so I’ll just let it be with a recommendation that you see this movie. You won’t completely regret it.
Trivia: This film was shot in 12 days with less than $100,000. (and it shows)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Not Recommended for Persons Over 30!”
My Tagline: “Not Recommended for any Persons Anywhere!”
Favorite Quote: “Good evening deary.” & “Objection overruled.” & (paraphrased) 'Why didn’t you call us to say that your phone was out?'
Plot Synopsis: At a remote sanitarium an axe-wielding mental patient murders his doctor and rather than report it to the police or do anything else that would be unnecessarily responsible the head nurse, Dr. Gerladine S. Masters, simply assumes the role of headmaster and tosses the corpse down into the basement. Shortly after the murder a young nurse, Jane St. Claire, that the good doctor had hired a week prior arrives to report for her new job. She is informed of the Doctor’s passing and is assimilated into the Sanitarium’s staff. Masters also explains that she intends to continue the Doctor’s work with his philosophies and theories as the guiding torch. These theories include the idea that the way to help cure the insane (and even schizophrenia) is to support and feed their delusions and obsessions so much that they will reach a point of collapse where they will “use their own strength” to pull themselves out of insanity. I guess it’s like hitting the restart button for your brain. Needless to say this approach doesn’t work and with every second that ticks by the inhabitants of this nuthouse get crazier and crazier until by the end everyone is a murderer. There’s also a major plot twist that I would hope we all saw coming a mile away.
Review: Who would have thought that running an illegal sanitarium out of a country house with a staff of two and where the patients are allowed to roam freely with access to axes, knifes, prescription drugs, and no locks on the doors would be such a bad idea? You would become one light sleeper in that place let me tell ya. Aside from poor ol’ Sam and maybe Sergeant Gaffee everyone in that place was bat shit insane, and I mean the dangerous kind. So why the hell were they kept there? It obviously wasn’t a state institution (unless things have gotten a lot worse than I thought) and these people were supposed to be “The Forgotten” so where’d the funding come from? Was the Doc rich or something? How did he get acquire these people? Couldn’t he have applied his whacked out theories on one patient first before taking on a ward’s worth of crazies? And what they hell was Danny’s problem? All you’d have to do is kill him and half the movie's conflicts would be resolved right there. And poor Sam, his problem was the Doctor gave him a lobotomy. If he hadn’t been held prisoner by these people he could be okay by now. I could go on all day but what I’m driving at here is that the movie has a few plot holes and the occasional gaping maw of backward reasoning. The trick is to find joy in this, not sorrow. The film is terrible and terribly fun to watch.
“Taste Me!”
This movie has some great lines and some terrifying close-ups that are so jarring it even puts “Killers From Space” to shame. And as far as those crazy characters that great bad movies need this film is bursting at the seams with them. (it takes place in a nuthouse after all) Everyone in this movie except Nurse Claire acts bizarre and brings something fun to the party. And they just seem to get worse and worse as the film continues. Nurse Claire is almost like the straight man for a comedian. All of the characters may be uniquely quirky and homicidal in their own very special ways but they need a unifying force to bring them together beyond the agitating force that is the prick Danny and it this need that Nurse Claire fulfills. She is no doubt a strong woman as well. If I was awoken in the middle of the night by Danny fondling me he’d be dead and I’d be outta there faster than you could demand that someone taste you and your new strawberry flavor. But Claire sticks it out right up until she starts screaming uncontrollably.
“Love me! Say it!”
There’s probably a lot I could say about this great movie but I’m worried it would reveal too much and may over-hype it so I’ll just let it be with a recommendation that you see this movie. You won’t completely regret it.
Trivia: This film was shot in 12 days with less than $100,000. (and it shows)
3.05.2008
Deadly Daphne's Revenge Review
Title: Deadly Daphne’s Revenge a.k.a The Hunting Season (1987)
Rating: 4 out of 5
My Tagline: “Where the hell is Deadly Daphne?”
Favorite Quote: “Relax, have a good time.”
Plot Synopsis: You would think it’s about a girl named Daphne and the revenge that she seeks but as you may have guessed from my tagline it has almost nothing to do with that at all. This movie is actually about a blonde teenager, Cindy, who during the course of running away from home is more or less raped by a small group of hunters. (I always thought that if you wanted to get picked up you were expected to put out but whatever) Telling you this may spoil the surprise as one naturally assumes that the girl who is going to be raped is Daphne and the bulk of the movie is about the gruesome way she deals with the situation. Instead the movie takes an odd turn into a bad legal/psychological drama involving a lot of talking, contracted murder, suicide, love, and the exploration of man’s dark side. The idea of tackling such issues within a bad movie like this is hilarious. Especially when you consider how much easier it would be to just make a slasher flick. Things start off fine, go dull, go a little less dull, and then get pretty crazy.
Review: I enjoyed this movie because I made fun of it the whole time and it’s pretty rife for riffing. Even if that isn’t your game it can be fun on it’s own. It has those great weird characters and plot turns that leave you asking, “What were they thinking?” It’s competently produced and it’s pretty clear they tried hard which is a fun change. Though there is no doubt that the bad writing and acting will leave you chuckling. (I’ve seen more convincing love stories on Star Trek for Pete’s sake!) The racist male lead is one of my favorite characters of all time and the film’s attitudes towards women are pretty funny. If it’s the ridiculous whims of the flighty Cindy or a man’s wife being such a bitch he is driven to suicide or a mob boss’ ho sitting at his feet this movie is guaranteed to please all vagina haters everywhere. It’s also the movie that finally demonstrates the plight of the white-male-business-owner and the reality of his hardships. He makes one mistake, rapes a white girl, and next thing you know the whole world is out to get him. Poor white-male-business-owner, no one ever gives him any breaks.
Rating: 4 out of 5
My Tagline: “Where the hell is Deadly Daphne?”
Favorite Quote: “Relax, have a good time.”
Plot Synopsis: You would think it’s about a girl named Daphne and the revenge that she seeks but as you may have guessed from my tagline it has almost nothing to do with that at all. This movie is actually about a blonde teenager, Cindy, who during the course of running away from home is more or less raped by a small group of hunters. (I always thought that if you wanted to get picked up you were expected to put out but whatever) Telling you this may spoil the surprise as one naturally assumes that the girl who is going to be raped is Daphne and the bulk of the movie is about the gruesome way she deals with the situation. Instead the movie takes an odd turn into a bad legal/psychological drama involving a lot of talking, contracted murder, suicide, love, and the exploration of man’s dark side. The idea of tackling such issues within a bad movie like this is hilarious. Especially when you consider how much easier it would be to just make a slasher flick. Things start off fine, go dull, go a little less dull, and then get pretty crazy.
Review: I enjoyed this movie because I made fun of it the whole time and it’s pretty rife for riffing. Even if that isn’t your game it can be fun on it’s own. It has those great weird characters and plot turns that leave you asking, “What were they thinking?” It’s competently produced and it’s pretty clear they tried hard which is a fun change. Though there is no doubt that the bad writing and acting will leave you chuckling. (I’ve seen more convincing love stories on Star Trek for Pete’s sake!) The racist male lead is one of my favorite characters of all time and the film’s attitudes towards women are pretty funny. If it’s the ridiculous whims of the flighty Cindy or a man’s wife being such a bitch he is driven to suicide or a mob boss’ ho sitting at his feet this movie is guaranteed to please all vagina haters everywhere. It’s also the movie that finally demonstrates the plight of the white-male-business-owner and the reality of his hardships. He makes one mistake, rapes a white girl, and next thing you know the whole world is out to get him. Poor white-male-business-owner, no one ever gives him any breaks.
The Fog Review
Title: The Fog (2005)
Rating: 0 out of 5
Tagline: “We’re sorry.”- At least that’s what it should be.
My Tagline: “This movie sucks.” Or “Why would you do this?”
Favorite Quote: “Blood for blood!”
Plot Synopsis: Superboy and the dumb blonde from “Lost” regurgitate some lame dialogue from a lame script riddled with forced tension, boring sequences, and a general case of terminal lameness.
Review: John Carpenter is universally recognized as a “Master of Horror” and has been part of the film business for over forty years. His film “The Fog” is one of his better-known works and for good reason; it’s a good movie. So why would you go and remake a perfectly good horror movie when there was nothing wrong with it? Did you really think you were going to outdo a master? Did you really think you could make it any better? To put it kindly this movie fails miserably in every way. Not only can it not even hold a candle to the original, it just plain sucks. I could go on a point-by-point comparison between it and the original but this movie is so bad I don’t believe it is even worth recognizing as a legitimate film. Not even by bad movie fans. As far I’m concerned this movie doesn’t even exist. Avoid it like the plague, especially if you liked the original.
Rating: 0 out of 5
Tagline: “We’re sorry.”- At least that’s what it should be.
My Tagline: “This movie sucks.” Or “Why would you do this?”
Favorite Quote: “Blood for blood!”
Plot Synopsis: Superboy and the dumb blonde from “Lost” regurgitate some lame dialogue from a lame script riddled with forced tension, boring sequences, and a general case of terminal lameness.
Review: John Carpenter is universally recognized as a “Master of Horror” and has been part of the film business for over forty years. His film “The Fog” is one of his better-known works and for good reason; it’s a good movie. So why would you go and remake a perfectly good horror movie when there was nothing wrong with it? Did you really think you were going to outdo a master? Did you really think you could make it any better? To put it kindly this movie fails miserably in every way. Not only can it not even hold a candle to the original, it just plain sucks. I could go on a point-by-point comparison between it and the original but this movie is so bad I don’t believe it is even worth recognizing as a legitimate film. Not even by bad movie fans. As far I’m concerned this movie doesn’t even exist. Avoid it like the plague, especially if you liked the original.
2.28.2008
Tapeheads Review
Title: Tapeheads (1988)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Tagline: “Let’s get into trouble, baby!”
My Tagline: “Just when you thought the chicken and waffles were safe again…”
Favorite Quote: “Teach me to read.”
Plot Synopsis: Tim Robbins and John Cusack start a video production business with hopes of striking it big in music videos and possibly with real movies. Piss poor and unconnected the duo soon discovers that their plans for fame and fortune will be hard to realize. They resolve themselves to producing work they do not want to in order to make money so that they can do the things they want to do. It sounds pretty simple but even the crappy jobs prove fruitless and matters get extremely complicated when during one of their gigs the boys accidentally come into possession of an incriminating video of a presidential candidate having very kinky relations with hookers.
Review: Once again I find myself struggling with the question of ranking. And once again it is because this film is actually a comedy and not a movie that is so bad it’s funny. I include it here because it is such a unique brand of comedy that isn’t normally well received or understood by the masses. In fact the average ranking over at INMb is only 5.7 out of 10. That’s better than most of the movies I have reviewed but it seems to me that there are some people who would love this movie if they only knew it was worth trying. It’s not for everyone and the description coupled with the relatively low rankings might scare people off. The humor of Tapeheads is often weird and abrupt like two women out of nowhere whipping out nunchucks and butterfly blades in order to duel. Or the boys trying to puppetmaster a dead guy’s face into saying one of his last wishes was for his family to pay them handsomely. This silly, and sometimes a little dark, humor about film geeks and their misadventures is right up my alley so I like the movie. Plus, any movie that features music by They Might Be Giants is automatically going to score points with me. (alternately, any movie that features Richard Gere is going to start off with strikes against it) You can almost compare the humor to things like “Naked Gun” where the comedy is visible on all spectrums from the outrageously silly to the subtle nuisances and references only it isn’t a parody of anything so it struggles a bit to find just the right voice. It’s by no means brilliant or anything but I do believe it deserves better and those few who would like it would probably like it a great deal. It’s a unique and creative little movie clearly done with a shoestring budget that’s worth a shot if you think it sounds interesting.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Tagline: “Let’s get into trouble, baby!”
My Tagline: “Just when you thought the chicken and waffles were safe again…”
Favorite Quote: “Teach me to read.”
Plot Synopsis: Tim Robbins and John Cusack start a video production business with hopes of striking it big in music videos and possibly with real movies. Piss poor and unconnected the duo soon discovers that their plans for fame and fortune will be hard to realize. They resolve themselves to producing work they do not want to in order to make money so that they can do the things they want to do. It sounds pretty simple but even the crappy jobs prove fruitless and matters get extremely complicated when during one of their gigs the boys accidentally come into possession of an incriminating video of a presidential candidate having very kinky relations with hookers.
Review: Once again I find myself struggling with the question of ranking. And once again it is because this film is actually a comedy and not a movie that is so bad it’s funny. I include it here because it is such a unique brand of comedy that isn’t normally well received or understood by the masses. In fact the average ranking over at INMb is only 5.7 out of 10. That’s better than most of the movies I have reviewed but it seems to me that there are some people who would love this movie if they only knew it was worth trying. It’s not for everyone and the description coupled with the relatively low rankings might scare people off. The humor of Tapeheads is often weird and abrupt like two women out of nowhere whipping out nunchucks and butterfly blades in order to duel. Or the boys trying to puppetmaster a dead guy’s face into saying one of his last wishes was for his family to pay them handsomely. This silly, and sometimes a little dark, humor about film geeks and their misadventures is right up my alley so I like the movie. Plus, any movie that features music by They Might Be Giants is automatically going to score points with me. (alternately, any movie that features Richard Gere is going to start off with strikes against it) You can almost compare the humor to things like “Naked Gun” where the comedy is visible on all spectrums from the outrageously silly to the subtle nuisances and references only it isn’t a parody of anything so it struggles a bit to find just the right voice. It’s by no means brilliant or anything but I do believe it deserves better and those few who would like it would probably like it a great deal. It’s a unique and creative little movie clearly done with a shoestring budget that’s worth a shot if you think it sounds interesting.
2.23.2008
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE winter but the past month or so has been rough and I have neglected my movie review duties. I’m sure no one has noticed or cares but the only way I seem to be able to maintain my few meager hits a weeks is by posting new stuff all the time. So I’ll just post an explanation as to why I haven’t been posting as well as I usually do.
The long version includes an ego-crushing tale of almost getting conned out of $95 and accounts of repeated ice storms knocking out my power and forcing me to live shoulder to shoulder with people I despise with every fiber of my being. My infinite laziness has played a role as well as the fact that I have been a little distracted with my other great entertainment passion, video games. The shorter version is simply that while I have snuck in a few movies these past few weeks they haven’t been what I would call bad. I watched “Red Dawn” which may not be as great as the filmmakers were clearly going for and the idea of tackling such subject matter with actors like Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, and those girls from “Dirty Dancing” is pretty hilarious but overall it’s not a terrible movie. It’s entertaining to watch and all that. I watched “Cool Hand Luke” which I would argue is a good movie. I didn’t walk away with a very deep understanding of Luke but that may have been more of my own ineptitude then the filmmakers. As near as I can tell part of the point was that there wasn’t much to understand anyway. I watched “Harry and Tonto” which was a pretty great movie. Probably a wonderful one as it left me sort of wanting more. It just seems like once they decided it was going to be over it just ended real quick like. Even if you didn’t want it to keep going that fast pacing clashed with the rest of the film. Though they say that your perception of time speeds up the older you get and the movie is about a man in his autumn years so I guess it’s possible there’s more going on here than I give them credit for. And I watched them all on AMC so for all I know they cut stuff out. Wouldn’t surprise me, the bastards.
In the meantime do yourself a favor and watch the new “Battlestar Galactica” from the beginning and in order because it’s legitimately good*, watch the movie “Immortal” because it’s fun-bad and I’ve been meaning to do a review of it for months now, play Final Fantasy VII because after over ten years it’s still the greatest game ever made, and if you have a good copy of the Roger Corman version of The Fantastic Four then do the world a favor and upload that rare gem because it’s long overdo for it’s time in the sun.
*- The new Battlestar Galactica is the single greatest thing the human race has ever achieved and is the best invention since the plow. In fact that’s how a civilization’s progress can be judged from now on; the inventions of the plow, the printing press, movies, video games, and the new Battlestar Galactica. Everything else is just filler, material that can be used as subject matter for games and inspiration of Battlestar plots. I can just see it now; Mr. Spock is looking through that viewfinder thing of his as he speaks to Kirk.
Spock
It appears they do have warp drive and have developed MMORPGs but have not yet written the pilot involving the Cylon attack on Caprica, Captain.
Kirk
Well let’s forget them then. They’re not advanced enough for first contact.
Uhura
Captain, I’m receiving word from Starfleet that the Gorlock Empire has finally re-written Starbuck as a female character and so far she has slept with a full third of the remaining population.
Kirk
Mr. Sulu, ahead warp factor nine.
Sulu
Aye Captain.
Yeah…I need to get out more.
The long version includes an ego-crushing tale of almost getting conned out of $95 and accounts of repeated ice storms knocking out my power and forcing me to live shoulder to shoulder with people I despise with every fiber of my being. My infinite laziness has played a role as well as the fact that I have been a little distracted with my other great entertainment passion, video games. The shorter version is simply that while I have snuck in a few movies these past few weeks they haven’t been what I would call bad. I watched “Red Dawn” which may not be as great as the filmmakers were clearly going for and the idea of tackling such subject matter with actors like Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, and those girls from “Dirty Dancing” is pretty hilarious but overall it’s not a terrible movie. It’s entertaining to watch and all that. I watched “Cool Hand Luke” which I would argue is a good movie. I didn’t walk away with a very deep understanding of Luke but that may have been more of my own ineptitude then the filmmakers. As near as I can tell part of the point was that there wasn’t much to understand anyway. I watched “Harry and Tonto” which was a pretty great movie. Probably a wonderful one as it left me sort of wanting more. It just seems like once they decided it was going to be over it just ended real quick like. Even if you didn’t want it to keep going that fast pacing clashed with the rest of the film. Though they say that your perception of time speeds up the older you get and the movie is about a man in his autumn years so I guess it’s possible there’s more going on here than I give them credit for. And I watched them all on AMC so for all I know they cut stuff out. Wouldn’t surprise me, the bastards.
In the meantime do yourself a favor and watch the new “Battlestar Galactica” from the beginning and in order because it’s legitimately good*, watch the movie “Immortal” because it’s fun-bad and I’ve been meaning to do a review of it for months now, play Final Fantasy VII because after over ten years it’s still the greatest game ever made, and if you have a good copy of the Roger Corman version of The Fantastic Four then do the world a favor and upload that rare gem because it’s long overdo for it’s time in the sun.
*- The new Battlestar Galactica is the single greatest thing the human race has ever achieved and is the best invention since the plow. In fact that’s how a civilization’s progress can be judged from now on; the inventions of the plow, the printing press, movies, video games, and the new Battlestar Galactica. Everything else is just filler, material that can be used as subject matter for games and inspiration of Battlestar plots. I can just see it now; Mr. Spock is looking through that viewfinder thing of his as he speaks to Kirk.
Spock
It appears they do have warp drive and have developed MMORPGs but have not yet written the pilot involving the Cylon attack on Caprica, Captain.
Kirk
Well let’s forget them then. They’re not advanced enough for first contact.
Uhura
Captain, I’m receiving word from Starfleet that the Gorlock Empire has finally re-written Starbuck as a female character and so far she has slept with a full third of the remaining population.
Kirk
Mr. Sulu, ahead warp factor nine.
Sulu
Aye Captain.
Yeah…I need to get out more.
2.05.2008
Crash of the Moons Review
Title: Crash of the Moons (1954)
Rating: 3 out of 5
My Tagline: “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinky.”
Favorite Quote: “Quiet Winky.”
Plot Synopsis and Review: I rate this one so high because it lends itself to riffing so well. If that’s not your thing then I would probably say closer to 2 or 2.5. This space film weaves an intricate space tapestry of space betrayal, space madness, space distrust, space baby innocence and space survival with thrilling space action and unbelievable space special effects. (unbelievably lame anyway) Our space tale begins when Space Rangers Rocky, Winky, (the poor guy’s name is actually Winky?) and secretary Drake try opening up relations with the rather hot yet infinitely untrusting (and bat shit crazy) space Queen Cleolanta. She refuses the space invitation for space relations and gives the space men an hour to vacate the planet before she blasts them into space dust. The Space Ranges promptly leave and while floating around in space they receive a call on their astroradio. Speaking into a space eggplant they converse with their “special” friends who believe they are playing some kind of trick on Rocky by imitating the normal radio operator. It’s sweet that they think they’re funny. Amongst their entourage is a crazy grandpa they kindly call Professor Newton, a tall drink of water named Vena Ray, and a boy named Bobby who obviously slipped through the cracks of the system and has never heard of space child labor laws. Poor kid, but on the plus side he gets to play Space Ranger with Sally Mansfield. Something tells me that kid hit puberty in the most embarrassing way and in front of a full crew on set. So anyway, his friends want to tell Rocky, and I guess Winky, that the space space station they are on is going to passing between the Gypsy moons. The Gypsy moons are two equally sized planetoids that are so close to one another you can actually see them sharing an atmosphere. (they must have some killer surfing) For some reason Rocky’s friends are really excited about it until Rocky drops the bomb that the space station will be ripped apart when it cruises through the moons’ “atmosphere chain.” The space station was built to withstand the rigors of outer space, not an atmosphere. Even though it’s technically not an atmosphere so much as just some loose gas floating around the writers seemed to think it would be enough to destroy the best built space station in known existence. Long story short they survive the ordeal and eventually come to the revelation that the moons are on a collision course. At this time I would like to quibble that while I was a bit confused by the use of three names used to describe closely orbiting large bodies I was under the impression that there were two moons at stake. No planets to speak of. Well that’s all well in good except in order for a moon to be a moon it most revolve around a planet. What’s more one the moons in the movie revolved around the other, which was stationary. Wouldn’t that make the stationary moon a planet? And I may not be an astrophysicist or whatever but I would think that when two bodies are close enough to share an atmosphere then it’s a pretty safe bet they’re going to crash into each other. Not due to their orbits but due to their gravity pulling each other together. You’re just figuring this out now Rocky? Anyway, back to the space story. So the Space Rangers feel it is their duty to warn the inhabitants of the moons that they are all about to perish amidst a painful, fiery explosion of hellish oblivion. Apparently they are friends with the leaders of one of the moons so that’s no problem but Queen Cleolanta has adopted an isolationist policy and does not allow any of her citizens contact with the outside universe under any circumstances. As is often the case, exposition saves the day as Rocky explains that a group of underground resisters on Cleolanta’s planet (sorry, “moon”) listens in on Space Ranger broadcasts with their hidden astroradios. Knowing this Rocky lets out a warning broadcast hoping that it might stir up a little space trouble. Then our intrepid space heroes Rocky and Winky battle their way into Cleolanta’s palace to warn her of the impending crash. Naturally, as she is completely nuts, Cleolanta believes that it is either a space trick or at least the most reasonable course of space action is to simply blow up her neighboring moon. Long story short she is thwarted and the orbiting moon is allowed to be space evacuated before the attempt to blow it up continues. The space tension is nearly unbearable as we sit on the edge of our space seats waiting to find out if just one or both moons will be obliterated and just what will be the fate of the hapless inhabitants of the humanoid harboring hyperbaric hemispheres of the Gypsy moons. And then we find out. The End.
Observation: -Dude, I think Rocky and Winky are chicks! This may not come as a surprise with Winky but Rocky is all man yet look at their crotches, they’re completely flat!*
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Isn’t actually a movie but is in fact three episodes of the television show “Rocky Jones: Space Ranger” edited together to appear like a feature film.
*- I’m just kidding. I know producers have often tried to make things more family friendly by either taping down a guy’s junk or even worse giving them pills of pronounced peter. So I don’t need a Hollywood history lesson, thank you.
Rating: 3 out of 5
My Tagline: “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinky.”
Favorite Quote: “Quiet Winky.”
Plot Synopsis and Review: I rate this one so high because it lends itself to riffing so well. If that’s not your thing then I would probably say closer to 2 or 2.5. This space film weaves an intricate space tapestry of space betrayal, space madness, space distrust, space baby innocence and space survival with thrilling space action and unbelievable space special effects. (unbelievably lame anyway) Our space tale begins when Space Rangers Rocky, Winky, (the poor guy’s name is actually Winky?) and secretary Drake try opening up relations with the rather hot yet infinitely untrusting (and bat shit crazy) space Queen Cleolanta. She refuses the space invitation for space relations and gives the space men an hour to vacate the planet before she blasts them into space dust. The Space Ranges promptly leave and while floating around in space they receive a call on their astroradio. Speaking into a space eggplant they converse with their “special” friends who believe they are playing some kind of trick on Rocky by imitating the normal radio operator. It’s sweet that they think they’re funny. Amongst their entourage is a crazy grandpa they kindly call Professor Newton, a tall drink of water named Vena Ray, and a boy named Bobby who obviously slipped through the cracks of the system and has never heard of space child labor laws. Poor kid, but on the plus side he gets to play Space Ranger with Sally Mansfield. Something tells me that kid hit puberty in the most embarrassing way and in front of a full crew on set. So anyway, his friends want to tell Rocky, and I guess Winky, that the space space station they are on is going to passing between the Gypsy moons. The Gypsy moons are two equally sized planetoids that are so close to one another you can actually see them sharing an atmosphere. (they must have some killer surfing) For some reason Rocky’s friends are really excited about it until Rocky drops the bomb that the space station will be ripped apart when it cruises through the moons’ “atmosphere chain.” The space station was built to withstand the rigors of outer space, not an atmosphere. Even though it’s technically not an atmosphere so much as just some loose gas floating around the writers seemed to think it would be enough to destroy the best built space station in known existence. Long story short they survive the ordeal and eventually come to the revelation that the moons are on a collision course. At this time I would like to quibble that while I was a bit confused by the use of three names used to describe closely orbiting large bodies I was under the impression that there were two moons at stake. No planets to speak of. Well that’s all well in good except in order for a moon to be a moon it most revolve around a planet. What’s more one the moons in the movie revolved around the other, which was stationary. Wouldn’t that make the stationary moon a planet? And I may not be an astrophysicist or whatever but I would think that when two bodies are close enough to share an atmosphere then it’s a pretty safe bet they’re going to crash into each other. Not due to their orbits but due to their gravity pulling each other together. You’re just figuring this out now Rocky? Anyway, back to the space story. So the Space Rangers feel it is their duty to warn the inhabitants of the moons that they are all about to perish amidst a painful, fiery explosion of hellish oblivion. Apparently they are friends with the leaders of one of the moons so that’s no problem but Queen Cleolanta has adopted an isolationist policy and does not allow any of her citizens contact with the outside universe under any circumstances. As is often the case, exposition saves the day as Rocky explains that a group of underground resisters on Cleolanta’s planet (sorry, “moon”) listens in on Space Ranger broadcasts with their hidden astroradios. Knowing this Rocky lets out a warning broadcast hoping that it might stir up a little space trouble. Then our intrepid space heroes Rocky and Winky battle their way into Cleolanta’s palace to warn her of the impending crash. Naturally, as she is completely nuts, Cleolanta believes that it is either a space trick or at least the most reasonable course of space action is to simply blow up her neighboring moon. Long story short she is thwarted and the orbiting moon is allowed to be space evacuated before the attempt to blow it up continues. The space tension is nearly unbearable as we sit on the edge of our space seats waiting to find out if just one or both moons will be obliterated and just what will be the fate of the hapless inhabitants of the humanoid harboring hyperbaric hemispheres of the Gypsy moons. And then we find out. The End.
Observation: -Dude, I think Rocky and Winky are chicks! This may not come as a surprise with Winky but Rocky is all man yet look at their crotches, they’re completely flat!*
Trivia: -Was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-Isn’t actually a movie but is in fact three episodes of the television show “Rocky Jones: Space Ranger” edited together to appear like a feature film.
*- I’m just kidding. I know producers have often tried to make things more family friendly by either taping down a guy’s junk or even worse giving them pills of pronounced peter. So I don’t need a Hollywood history lesson, thank you.
2.04.2008
Reign of Fire Review
Title: Reign of Fire (2002)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Fight Fire With Fire.”
My Tagline: “Once again the U.S. has to pull the Brit’s chestnuts out of the fire.”
Favorite Quote: “Only one thing worse than a dragon…Americans.”
Plot Synopsis: The queen of the Borg disguises herself as a train excavator and accidentally breaks into the lair of a sleeping dragon. The dragon gets out and some serious shit does down. Many years later the queen’s son, Quinn, (Christian Bale) is leading a gang of humans who are hold up in a castle near London. (well, everywhere is near London when you’re on the British Isles) Some Kentucky bluegrass ass-clowns show up and their leader, Van Zan, (Matthew McConaughey) forces Quinn to allow them shelter within the castle so that they might tend to their vehicles. They have brought with them a helicopter, a tank, some various armored vehicles, and a bunch of Dixiecrats who like sticking their dicks where they don’t belong. As it turns out this intrusion is more than a mere a pit stop as the Americans hope to recruit soldiers who will ride with them to London in their quest to git-er-done. Quinn is resistant to the idea at first but later agrees to help Van Zan in a kind of covert-ops mission into London. Spoiler Alert! The humans win. The audience was shocked and amazed.
Review: I find this movie strange. I went in expecting it to be a little more of a standard monster movie. The dragons were supposed to show up and start knocking things down. There would be lots of explosions and fun stuff and eventually some humans would figure out how to stop them. I thought I was going to get to see London attacked and destroyed, I didn’t. I thought I was going to get to see all kinds of carnage and cool special effects but I didn’t. Instead what I got was a film that takes place many years after the dragon’s revival and the damage has already been done. The dragons hold dominance over the planet and all that remains of humanity are a few isolated pockets living out a bleak existence with almost no resources, a claustrophobic atmosphere, and tensions are running high as the human race barely clings to life. Not that there’s anything wrong with this approach of a focused perspective with a character driven storyline. In fact this approach allows for the potential to exist that the film could transcend mere entertainment and enter into the realm of legitimately great cinema. The problem is this movie ends up not being much of anything. As far as ascension into truly great film the movie’s odd choice to be a post-apocalyptic tale gave it potential but it clearly has nothing to say and nothing to teach us. It doesn’t take our primal instincts and juxtapose them to our ideals of so-called “civilization.” It doesn’t place a mirror to society’s face. It doesn’t force us to ask ourselves questions like, “Why exactly does the human race deserve to live?” It doesn’t use archetypes or ancient character dynamics to relate to us a tale that transcends all time and circumstance to touch each of us in some way. It’s not like “The Matrix” where we are watching the visual representation of one man’s path towards enlightenment. It’s really not much of anything. It’s not good enough to be legitimate, it’s not bad enough to be awful, its not fun enough to be fun-bad, and its not mindlessly entertaining enough for it be a good popcorn flick. There’s just no point to it at all. The movie can be best summed as Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey don’t get along and then later they do. There’s some stuff where the humans do some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of but for the most part it’s Bale and McConaughey talking to each other. Now I happen to be a fan of Mr. Bale and remain mostly neutral towards Mr. McConaughey (I did like his character in this movie though) so watching these scornful studs doing their thing was okay by me but it hardly makes for a summer blockbuster. The film only had elements of several genres interspersed throughout leaving it on the whole incomplete. It would probably be a good novel or TV miniseries but the choice to make it a human life story instead of a human survival story while at the same time not being a fun popcorn flick leaves me suggesting that audiences simply steer clear. Unless you're a chick because let me tell ya those two just burn up the screen if you know what I mean.
The Performances
By the time the Milky Way collides with Andromeda and a foreign star vaporizes our solar system Christian Bale will most likely be remembered as one of acting’s greats and there is little contesting that he and Christopher Nolan saved the Batman film franchise so watching him in this turd is a bit humorous. Matthew McConaughey on the other hand…well this is par for the course with him. (no mulligan for McConaughey) Everyone else in this movie just sucked donkey dong though. Oh, except for that hilarious kid in the middle of the first row during the Star Wars stage play. I love that kid. He was the funniest thing in the whole movie.
In the Future Humans are Retarded
Earlier I alluded to the fact that his film contains some of the most idiotic human behavior that has ever taken place in a movie. What I was referring to was the ridiculous way in which McConaughey’s group of soldiers take down a dragon. First they have to wait around while some members of their team set up some kind of vertical marker things so they can use a 3-D mapping system. Wouldn’t it be faster, safer, more reliable, and in every conceivable way make more sense to just use conventional radar? The helicopter is undoubtedly equipped with it and one of their armored vehicles had one so why not just use that? God that was so stupid! There’s no reason why the helicopter should have been taken by surprise. Radar sees through clouds you know! And then there was that whole concept of the Archangels who actually leap from the helicopter and try to ensnare a dragon in a net. That’s fucking retarded! And they use those flying squirrel suits. Yeah, when you’re an extreme sportsman and you’ve done the math for a specific location and you have a designated landing strip then the flying squirrel suit is pretty cool. But you can’t just drop from anywhere at any height and expect to have any success whatsoever. You’re going to die. And this is at a time when there’s hardly any humans left. You’re basically killing three humans to kill one dragon. Brilliant you guys, really. It’s crap like this that makes this movie irritating not enlightening or even entertaining.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “Fight Fire With Fire.”
My Tagline: “Once again the U.S. has to pull the Brit’s chestnuts out of the fire.”
Favorite Quote: “Only one thing worse than a dragon…Americans.”
Plot Synopsis: The queen of the Borg disguises herself as a train excavator and accidentally breaks into the lair of a sleeping dragon. The dragon gets out and some serious shit does down. Many years later the queen’s son, Quinn, (Christian Bale) is leading a gang of humans who are hold up in a castle near London. (well, everywhere is near London when you’re on the British Isles) Some Kentucky bluegrass ass-clowns show up and their leader, Van Zan, (Matthew McConaughey) forces Quinn to allow them shelter within the castle so that they might tend to their vehicles. They have brought with them a helicopter, a tank, some various armored vehicles, and a bunch of Dixiecrats who like sticking their dicks where they don’t belong. As it turns out this intrusion is more than a mere a pit stop as the Americans hope to recruit soldiers who will ride with them to London in their quest to git-er-done. Quinn is resistant to the idea at first but later agrees to help Van Zan in a kind of covert-ops mission into London. Spoiler Alert! The humans win. The audience was shocked and amazed.
Review: I find this movie strange. I went in expecting it to be a little more of a standard monster movie. The dragons were supposed to show up and start knocking things down. There would be lots of explosions and fun stuff and eventually some humans would figure out how to stop them. I thought I was going to get to see London attacked and destroyed, I didn’t. I thought I was going to get to see all kinds of carnage and cool special effects but I didn’t. Instead what I got was a film that takes place many years after the dragon’s revival and the damage has already been done. The dragons hold dominance over the planet and all that remains of humanity are a few isolated pockets living out a bleak existence with almost no resources, a claustrophobic atmosphere, and tensions are running high as the human race barely clings to life. Not that there’s anything wrong with this approach of a focused perspective with a character driven storyline. In fact this approach allows for the potential to exist that the film could transcend mere entertainment and enter into the realm of legitimately great cinema. The problem is this movie ends up not being much of anything. As far as ascension into truly great film the movie’s odd choice to be a post-apocalyptic tale gave it potential but it clearly has nothing to say and nothing to teach us. It doesn’t take our primal instincts and juxtapose them to our ideals of so-called “civilization.” It doesn’t place a mirror to society’s face. It doesn’t force us to ask ourselves questions like, “Why exactly does the human race deserve to live?” It doesn’t use archetypes or ancient character dynamics to relate to us a tale that transcends all time and circumstance to touch each of us in some way. It’s not like “The Matrix” where we are watching the visual representation of one man’s path towards enlightenment. It’s really not much of anything. It’s not good enough to be legitimate, it’s not bad enough to be awful, its not fun enough to be fun-bad, and its not mindlessly entertaining enough for it be a good popcorn flick. There’s just no point to it at all. The movie can be best summed as Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey don’t get along and then later they do. There’s some stuff where the humans do some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of but for the most part it’s Bale and McConaughey talking to each other. Now I happen to be a fan of Mr. Bale and remain mostly neutral towards Mr. McConaughey (I did like his character in this movie though) so watching these scornful studs doing their thing was okay by me but it hardly makes for a summer blockbuster. The film only had elements of several genres interspersed throughout leaving it on the whole incomplete. It would probably be a good novel or TV miniseries but the choice to make it a human life story instead of a human survival story while at the same time not being a fun popcorn flick leaves me suggesting that audiences simply steer clear. Unless you're a chick because let me tell ya those two just burn up the screen if you know what I mean.
The Performances
By the time the Milky Way collides with Andromeda and a foreign star vaporizes our solar system Christian Bale will most likely be remembered as one of acting’s greats and there is little contesting that he and Christopher Nolan saved the Batman film franchise so watching him in this turd is a bit humorous. Matthew McConaughey on the other hand…well this is par for the course with him. (no mulligan for McConaughey) Everyone else in this movie just sucked donkey dong though. Oh, except for that hilarious kid in the middle of the first row during the Star Wars stage play. I love that kid. He was the funniest thing in the whole movie.
In the Future Humans are Retarded
Earlier I alluded to the fact that his film contains some of the most idiotic human behavior that has ever taken place in a movie. What I was referring to was the ridiculous way in which McConaughey’s group of soldiers take down a dragon. First they have to wait around while some members of their team set up some kind of vertical marker things so they can use a 3-D mapping system. Wouldn’t it be faster, safer, more reliable, and in every conceivable way make more sense to just use conventional radar? The helicopter is undoubtedly equipped with it and one of their armored vehicles had one so why not just use that? God that was so stupid! There’s no reason why the helicopter should have been taken by surprise. Radar sees through clouds you know! And then there was that whole concept of the Archangels who actually leap from the helicopter and try to ensnare a dragon in a net. That’s fucking retarded! And they use those flying squirrel suits. Yeah, when you’re an extreme sportsman and you’ve done the math for a specific location and you have a designated landing strip then the flying squirrel suit is pretty cool. But you can’t just drop from anywhere at any height and expect to have any success whatsoever. You’re going to die. And this is at a time when there’s hardly any humans left. You’re basically killing three humans to kill one dragon. Brilliant you guys, really. It’s crap like this that makes this movie irritating not enlightening or even entertaining.
1.29.2008
In the Name of the King Review
Title: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Rise and Fight.”
My Tagline: “Fall Flat and Squirm.”
Favorite Quotes: “Wisdom is our hammer…” & “I’m glad he has a family now, and I’m glad it’s us.” & “‘This is where we pay for our sins?’ ‘No. This is where we pay for our virtues. Sins are more than welcome here.’” & Every single word Ray Liotta says.
Plot Synopsis: Somewhere at some point in time a kingdom called Ehb existed and it had wizards only they were called Magi and it had Orcs only they were called Krugs and it had forest lesbians instead of Elves. Well a bad wizard decides he’s going to take over so he enchants the normally mindless Krug to do his bidding, which seems to include the slaughter and enslavement of the innocent citizens of Ehb. Caught up in this mess is a withdrawn and freaking annoying farmer and his freaking annoying family. His friends are sort of there too but they’re completely unnecessary and when the movie does decide to go back their storyline it seems out of place and slightly disorienting. So this bad wizard has the King’s nephew wrapped around his finger and his dick inside the King’s Magi’s daughter and it his intention to use these connections to take control to the Kingdom. Very soon Magi girl stops liking the bad wizard, the nephew decides he wants the insurrection to be accelerated, the farmer dude decides he wants to kill the bad wizard, the forest lesbians decide they want in on the killing action, the King catches wind of the bad wizard’s plans and the King’s generals naturally want to do what the King says. So with the human race united against him and his attempt at assignation-with-intent-of-insurrection thwarted the bad wizard decides to use the direct approach and just attacks with his retarded Krug things. In the end the forces we are told are the good ones win out. Though I think I would have sided with Ray Liotta to be honest.
Review: Uwe Boll has been stroking a boner for “The Lord of the Rings” for years now and has badly wanted to do his own epic, confident he could do so much better. Well he’s finally got his wish and he has not disappointed.
The Performances
Where does one begin with this Dungeon Siege tale? I suppose the best place to start would be the actors. I mean, Burt Reynolds is the freaking King for crying out loud! You just can’t do any better than that. Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillard are just brilliant in this movie, it’s worth watching just for them and it seems pretty clear they knew what kind of movie they were in. (though I would argue both are brilliant in everything they’re in) Apparently that Statham dude is physically incapable of talking normally and is stuck in that “24” style whispering but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect. Even in tender scenes with his wife the dope sounds likes he’s sneaking in an office building to rescue the hostages or something. And poor Leelee wants so badly for people to remember that she exists. She and Reynolds give it their all in legitimately decent performances that not only offer an interesting contrast to the shit that surrounds them but is very sad as it is nearly impossible to take either one of them seriously. Just the name Burt Reynolds conjures up images from scenes like in “Striptease” where the man is completely coated in petroleum jelly and wearing only a cowboy hat and boots with a thong. I just can’t help but laugh. Brian White gives a decent performance as well but as the movie progresses and the battles start up it’s like he just realized what kind of movie he was in and goes crazy to some wonderfully funny effect. The Farmer’s kid is hilarious and while most of the cast felt unnecessary their awkwardness and lameness adds greatly to the experience that is In the Name of the King.
The Script
I’m sure some would argue that this is the best Boll script so far but that’s really not saying much. And Boll didn’t write it so I must examine it purely on it merits as a stand-alone movie, not an Uwe Boll film. The script was fortunate to have such great actors bring it to life and had it not been for their interpretation it would not come off well at all. The best proof of this is seen by looking at the mostly unnecessary characters that are merely spouting out some very simple dialogue with some very simple motivations. Be sad, be funny, be hopeful, be scared, and other things like that. When they speak it seems awkward and silly. It is through these characters that the true nature and quality of the script emerges. The occasional use of old English and overly simplistic nature of the dialogue comes off as droll and uninspired as those are the most pretentious things I could think to say about a lame script. I’m sure somebody out there would like to argue that the film follows Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey and to some degree I suppose that’s true. After all, the main character is actually called “Farmer.” That’s right, they literally named the dude “Farmer.” It is this obvious and rather pathetic attempt to make the film something more than it is that I feel best exemplifies the script as a whole. It’s basically just a bunch of annoying shit like that. Other than that the film really holds no relevant or deep-seeded themes brought to life through archetypal storytelling played out with interesting characters set against a beautiful and fantastic setting interlaced with fun action and moving emotion. It’s really more an extra long Saturday morning cartoon show. A villain, Ray Liotta, tries to cease ultimate power and a lame hero, Farmer, stops him. I’m looking forward to the nearly three hour extended director’s cut but as it stands the theatrical version feels very condensed and the whole thing somewhat unexplored.
The Battles, The Action, The Effects
Between Statham’s magic boomerang and the “Power Ranger” style creatures and fighting the battles in this movie offer us some great scenes. Whether it’s people holding still long enough to be flipped or weapons dully thudding against clothes like in Sci-Fi channel movie or just the ridiculously stupid and poorly considered fights that completely ignore every consideration taken into real combat this movie’s violence is laughably bad. I’m not going to waste time going into tactical considerations to try to make myself sound smart but seriously, you would have to be a total imbecile to think that’s what fighting is or should be. They have ninjas on the front lines jumping around on trees while the knightly clad human forces are fighting in the forest where all that armor would just be an encumbrance. Their archers would be useless and instead of utilizing their human strengths like discipline and formations they just engage in this silly melee like some kind of giant street gang fight against big stupid monsters who have no fear. If the Kingdom of Ehb’s military leaders are really that dim then that must be the easiest kingdom in the known universe to take over. But here’s the thing, they had fight chorographer Tony Ching of “Hero” and “House of Flying Daggers” fame. Even with legitimate talent like that Uwe still manages to pull off something that looks hokey as hell. Oh and apparently before going into battle it's tradtional for boths sides to slather themselves in kerosene. Some of the visuals may have been better than in the past but they are also ripped directly from other movies, namely “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy. (see if you can spot the influence) As with many of his films there is at least one thing that’s legitimately good, like the makeup in “House of the Dead,” in this case I like the costumes. Not including the Krug who like Power Ranger villains. Maybe I’m wrong but I like the costumes.
Classic Boll
As always the best part of Mr. Boll’s films is his earnest believe that he and his work are brilliant. He has said that In the Name of the King is actually better than The Lord of Rings. Nothing could be further from the truth and he doesn’t even realize it. As with all his work this film fails in nearly every way. Its action defies the laws of nature, its attempts at humor fall flat, its writing is among the worst in film history, its character development is too deliberate, and the overall quality of production is so poor that none of the themes are fleshed out and its goals are not met. And for a bad movie fan such as myself, it’s a lot of fun to watch. Thank you Mr. Boll and if you are reading this please put me in one of your movies.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Tagline: “Rise and Fight.”
My Tagline: “Fall Flat and Squirm.”
Favorite Quotes: “Wisdom is our hammer…” & “I’m glad he has a family now, and I’m glad it’s us.” & “‘This is where we pay for our sins?’ ‘No. This is where we pay for our virtues. Sins are more than welcome here.’” & Every single word Ray Liotta says.
Plot Synopsis: Somewhere at some point in time a kingdom called Ehb existed and it had wizards only they were called Magi and it had Orcs only they were called Krugs and it had forest lesbians instead of Elves. Well a bad wizard decides he’s going to take over so he enchants the normally mindless Krug to do his bidding, which seems to include the slaughter and enslavement of the innocent citizens of Ehb. Caught up in this mess is a withdrawn and freaking annoying farmer and his freaking annoying family. His friends are sort of there too but they’re completely unnecessary and when the movie does decide to go back their storyline it seems out of place and slightly disorienting. So this bad wizard has the King’s nephew wrapped around his finger and his dick inside the King’s Magi’s daughter and it his intention to use these connections to take control to the Kingdom. Very soon Magi girl stops liking the bad wizard, the nephew decides he wants the insurrection to be accelerated, the farmer dude decides he wants to kill the bad wizard, the forest lesbians decide they want in on the killing action, the King catches wind of the bad wizard’s plans and the King’s generals naturally want to do what the King says. So with the human race united against him and his attempt at assignation-with-intent-of-insurrection thwarted the bad wizard decides to use the direct approach and just attacks with his retarded Krug things. In the end the forces we are told are the good ones win out. Though I think I would have sided with Ray Liotta to be honest.
Review: Uwe Boll has been stroking a boner for “The Lord of the Rings” for years now and has badly wanted to do his own epic, confident he could do so much better. Well he’s finally got his wish and he has not disappointed.
The Performances
Where does one begin with this Dungeon Siege tale? I suppose the best place to start would be the actors. I mean, Burt Reynolds is the freaking King for crying out loud! You just can’t do any better than that. Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillard are just brilliant in this movie, it’s worth watching just for them and it seems pretty clear they knew what kind of movie they were in. (though I would argue both are brilliant in everything they’re in) Apparently that Statham dude is physically incapable of talking normally and is stuck in that “24” style whispering but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect. Even in tender scenes with his wife the dope sounds likes he’s sneaking in an office building to rescue the hostages or something. And poor Leelee wants so badly for people to remember that she exists. She and Reynolds give it their all in legitimately decent performances that not only offer an interesting contrast to the shit that surrounds them but is very sad as it is nearly impossible to take either one of them seriously. Just the name Burt Reynolds conjures up images from scenes like in “Striptease” where the man is completely coated in petroleum jelly and wearing only a cowboy hat and boots with a thong. I just can’t help but laugh. Brian White gives a decent performance as well but as the movie progresses and the battles start up it’s like he just realized what kind of movie he was in and goes crazy to some wonderfully funny effect. The Farmer’s kid is hilarious and while most of the cast felt unnecessary their awkwardness and lameness adds greatly to the experience that is In the Name of the King.
The Script
I’m sure some would argue that this is the best Boll script so far but that’s really not saying much. And Boll didn’t write it so I must examine it purely on it merits as a stand-alone movie, not an Uwe Boll film. The script was fortunate to have such great actors bring it to life and had it not been for their interpretation it would not come off well at all. The best proof of this is seen by looking at the mostly unnecessary characters that are merely spouting out some very simple dialogue with some very simple motivations. Be sad, be funny, be hopeful, be scared, and other things like that. When they speak it seems awkward and silly. It is through these characters that the true nature and quality of the script emerges. The occasional use of old English and overly simplistic nature of the dialogue comes off as droll and uninspired as those are the most pretentious things I could think to say about a lame script. I’m sure somebody out there would like to argue that the film follows Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey and to some degree I suppose that’s true. After all, the main character is actually called “Farmer.” That’s right, they literally named the dude “Farmer.” It is this obvious and rather pathetic attempt to make the film something more than it is that I feel best exemplifies the script as a whole. It’s basically just a bunch of annoying shit like that. Other than that the film really holds no relevant or deep-seeded themes brought to life through archetypal storytelling played out with interesting characters set against a beautiful and fantastic setting interlaced with fun action and moving emotion. It’s really more an extra long Saturday morning cartoon show. A villain, Ray Liotta, tries to cease ultimate power and a lame hero, Farmer, stops him. I’m looking forward to the nearly three hour extended director’s cut but as it stands the theatrical version feels very condensed and the whole thing somewhat unexplored.
The Battles, The Action, The Effects
Between Statham’s magic boomerang and the “Power Ranger” style creatures and fighting the battles in this movie offer us some great scenes. Whether it’s people holding still long enough to be flipped or weapons dully thudding against clothes like in Sci-Fi channel movie or just the ridiculously stupid and poorly considered fights that completely ignore every consideration taken into real combat this movie’s violence is laughably bad. I’m not going to waste time going into tactical considerations to try to make myself sound smart but seriously, you would have to be a total imbecile to think that’s what fighting is or should be. They have ninjas on the front lines jumping around on trees while the knightly clad human forces are fighting in the forest where all that armor would just be an encumbrance. Their archers would be useless and instead of utilizing their human strengths like discipline and formations they just engage in this silly melee like some kind of giant street gang fight against big stupid monsters who have no fear. If the Kingdom of Ehb’s military leaders are really that dim then that must be the easiest kingdom in the known universe to take over. But here’s the thing, they had fight chorographer Tony Ching of “Hero” and “House of Flying Daggers” fame. Even with legitimate talent like that Uwe still manages to pull off something that looks hokey as hell. Oh and apparently before going into battle it's tradtional for boths sides to slather themselves in kerosene. Some of the visuals may have been better than in the past but they are also ripped directly from other movies, namely “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy. (see if you can spot the influence) As with many of his films there is at least one thing that’s legitimately good, like the makeup in “House of the Dead,” in this case I like the costumes. Not including the Krug who like Power Ranger villains. Maybe I’m wrong but I like the costumes.
Classic Boll
As always the best part of Mr. Boll’s films is his earnest believe that he and his work are brilliant. He has said that In the Name of the King is actually better than The Lord of Rings. Nothing could be further from the truth and he doesn’t even realize it. As with all his work this film fails in nearly every way. Its action defies the laws of nature, its attempts at humor fall flat, its writing is among the worst in film history, its character development is too deliberate, and the overall quality of production is so poor that none of the themes are fleshed out and its goals are not met. And for a bad movie fan such as myself, it’s a lot of fun to watch. Thank you Mr. Boll and if you are reading this please put me in one of your movies.
1.25.2008
The Pyx Review
Title: The Pyx (1973)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “See It…Find Out What It Means!”
My Tagline: “Christopher Plummer is a Prick.”
Favorite Quote: “Hey Anderson, fancy meeting you here.”
Plot Synopsis: A lady of the evening is found murdered and it’s Plummer’s job to find out who she is and why she is dead. So the film follows two completely separate stories cutting between Plummer’s investigation and the woman’s final few days. It’s not that Plummer uncovers and pieces together what happened, we’re just forced to witness it. We watch Plummer and his partner hassle witnesses, get into fights with greasy men, shoot people, and all around act like pricks. Then we watch the dead hooker shoot up heroin, (our heroine’s on heroin) bask in the afterglow of selling her body, consort with Canada’s homosexual, (that’s right, they only have one and his name is Jimmy) talk to some girl she stuck in a nunnery, and get ogled at by some creepy clients.
Review: What is it about these cult flicks?
French AND Canadian eww, gross. I’m not sure when we were to start or even what we were supposed to care about in this movie but I kept waiting for the damn cult to show up. It was more of a really bad police procedural then an exploration of Montreal's seething underbelly or a psychological thriller casting a light on one woman’s personal Hell as her life slowly spirals out of control ultimately leading to the end of it in the most brutal way. Actually I don't really see how her death was her fault. She didn’t go looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, she was sold out by her madam. She had friends who cared about her. I guess she did sort of push them away but there’s something not so terrifying about a hooker’s madam setting her up with less than desirable clients. I thought that was part of the point of being a sex prostitute. (fans of Frasier might like that joke) I rate this one so low due to its lack of universal appeal and overall dullness. Most people have trouble with great movies that are long with slow pacing. This film is awful and long with slow pacing. It would take a very special kind of bad movie fan to love this movie. I think I liked it but I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t and I simply can’t recommend it to anyone. The lack of music being used to heighten the drama badly hurt the film as well as the fact that the camera operator appeared to be asleep half the time as they struggled to keep their subject in frame and the scenes in focus.* Once again some of the worst film mankind has ever laid eyes upon was used to make this bad movie giving it that filmed-at-the-bottom-of-a-retirement-home’s-toilet look that directors so covet. And the accents are so ridiculous they sound like people pretending to be French-Canadian. I guess with dubbing that may have been the case. The whole thing cuts, abruptly I might add, between after the murder and before the murder coming together more like random scenes spliced by a monkey with mange then a cohesive story presented uniquely. The frechyness of the film really shines through at times as we find ourselves staring for minutes on end at a clearly insane woman crying while some background opera is playing. The camera operator drifts off, cutting off about half her face, but we just keep staring at her as there is no where else for our eyes to go. Though the movie does seem to have some respect for us, as it clearly believes we are all well versed in cults and can figure out for ourselves just what the Hell they were doing or hoping to achieve. We are given just two clues: an upside-down cross and the term “Black Mass.” Now I’m no expert but I do believe both are symbols for the Church of Satan. And I only know that because I watch unhealthy amounts of television. How was anyone suppose to know what was going on? What’s the point of a Black Mass? Isn’t the girl supposed to be willing? And I’ve seen a Black Mass preformed (the PG version anyway) and let me tell ya, they don’t wear bishop outfits and perform the ritual in an ordained church. Oh and after all that we’ve put up with that is the dramatic death scene? That was just about the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
What to like about the movie.
The two detectives are a lot fun but Plummer’s partner isn’t in it nearly enough. So it starts strong and slowly winds down. I also loved the fact that Alvin and the Chipmunks were singing backup at the Black Mass. There is some humor that can be drudged up for observation if you try and the film lends itself to riffing fairly well. If you’re a fan of pale-skinned, cottage-cheese ass and distant through-a-shirt nipples then there’s some nudity in here for ya. For the ladies this movie has Peter Sellers in just his underpants and a hairy, winded, naked, sweaty, middle-aged John to enjoy early on. If you’ve ever wondered why the French and the Canadians are the butt of every joke and worth so much distain then this movie might help clear things up for you.
Questions: -Did he just say that all this happened over the course of a day? I have to admit it’s pretty impressive that he can wrap a case that quick.
-Okay, I got that her madam sold her out but was she a member of the cult too or was she just paid enough to let it happen? She was there at the mass and seemed fairly enthusiastic about the whole thing so I guess she could have been a cult member but there weren’t any clear signs.
*The film was originally shot in widescreen which accounts for the cutting off of so much but my explanation is much more funny.
My apologies to any of you maple syrup chugging frogs out there who may have been offended by my observations about your inferior culture and crumby filmmaking.
Just kidding you guys. After all, my girlfriend lives in Canada. ...No seriously. Hmm? Oh she doesn’t have a computer……or a phone. In fact she lives in a cabin without electricity. …How do we talk? Uh, the mail I guess I mean, yes! Definitely by mail. In fact we use trained pigeons to send messages to each other so, yeah. No I’m serious! She’s really real you guys and she’s really a model for Victoria’s Secret. Seriously.
Rating: 1 out of 5
Tagline: “See It…Find Out What It Means!”
My Tagline: “Christopher Plummer is a Prick.”
Favorite Quote: “Hey Anderson, fancy meeting you here.”
Plot Synopsis: A lady of the evening is found murdered and it’s Plummer’s job to find out who she is and why she is dead. So the film follows two completely separate stories cutting between Plummer’s investigation and the woman’s final few days. It’s not that Plummer uncovers and pieces together what happened, we’re just forced to witness it. We watch Plummer and his partner hassle witnesses, get into fights with greasy men, shoot people, and all around act like pricks. Then we watch the dead hooker shoot up heroin, (our heroine’s on heroin) bask in the afterglow of selling her body, consort with Canada’s homosexual, (that’s right, they only have one and his name is Jimmy) talk to some girl she stuck in a nunnery, and get ogled at by some creepy clients.
Review: What is it about these cult flicks?
French AND Canadian eww, gross. I’m not sure when we were to start or even what we were supposed to care about in this movie but I kept waiting for the damn cult to show up. It was more of a really bad police procedural then an exploration of Montreal's seething underbelly or a psychological thriller casting a light on one woman’s personal Hell as her life slowly spirals out of control ultimately leading to the end of it in the most brutal way. Actually I don't really see how her death was her fault. She didn’t go looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, she was sold out by her madam. She had friends who cared about her. I guess she did sort of push them away but there’s something not so terrifying about a hooker’s madam setting her up with less than desirable clients. I thought that was part of the point of being a sex prostitute. (fans of Frasier might like that joke) I rate this one so low due to its lack of universal appeal and overall dullness. Most people have trouble with great movies that are long with slow pacing. This film is awful and long with slow pacing. It would take a very special kind of bad movie fan to love this movie. I think I liked it but I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t and I simply can’t recommend it to anyone. The lack of music being used to heighten the drama badly hurt the film as well as the fact that the camera operator appeared to be asleep half the time as they struggled to keep their subject in frame and the scenes in focus.* Once again some of the worst film mankind has ever laid eyes upon was used to make this bad movie giving it that filmed-at-the-bottom-of-a-retirement-home’s-toilet look that directors so covet. And the accents are so ridiculous they sound like people pretending to be French-Canadian. I guess with dubbing that may have been the case. The whole thing cuts, abruptly I might add, between after the murder and before the murder coming together more like random scenes spliced by a monkey with mange then a cohesive story presented uniquely. The frechyness of the film really shines through at times as we find ourselves staring for minutes on end at a clearly insane woman crying while some background opera is playing. The camera operator drifts off, cutting off about half her face, but we just keep staring at her as there is no where else for our eyes to go. Though the movie does seem to have some respect for us, as it clearly believes we are all well versed in cults and can figure out for ourselves just what the Hell they were doing or hoping to achieve. We are given just two clues: an upside-down cross and the term “Black Mass.” Now I’m no expert but I do believe both are symbols for the Church of Satan. And I only know that because I watch unhealthy amounts of television. How was anyone suppose to know what was going on? What’s the point of a Black Mass? Isn’t the girl supposed to be willing? And I’ve seen a Black Mass preformed (the PG version anyway) and let me tell ya, they don’t wear bishop outfits and perform the ritual in an ordained church. Oh and after all that we’ve put up with that is the dramatic death scene? That was just about the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
What to like about the movie.
The two detectives are a lot fun but Plummer’s partner isn’t in it nearly enough. So it starts strong and slowly winds down. I also loved the fact that Alvin and the Chipmunks were singing backup at the Black Mass. There is some humor that can be drudged up for observation if you try and the film lends itself to riffing fairly well. If you’re a fan of pale-skinned, cottage-cheese ass and distant through-a-shirt nipples then there’s some nudity in here for ya. For the ladies this movie has Peter Sellers in just his underpants and a hairy, winded, naked, sweaty, middle-aged John to enjoy early on. If you’ve ever wondered why the French and the Canadians are the butt of every joke and worth so much distain then this movie might help clear things up for you.
Questions: -Did he just say that all this happened over the course of a day? I have to admit it’s pretty impressive that he can wrap a case that quick.
-Okay, I got that her madam sold her out but was she a member of the cult too or was she just paid enough to let it happen? She was there at the mass and seemed fairly enthusiastic about the whole thing so I guess she could have been a cult member but there weren’t any clear signs.
*The film was originally shot in widescreen which accounts for the cutting off of so much but my explanation is much more funny.
My apologies to any of you maple syrup chugging frogs out there who may have been offended by my observations about your inferior culture and crumby filmmaking.
Just kidding you guys. After all, my girlfriend lives in Canada. ...No seriously. Hmm? Oh she doesn’t have a computer……or a phone. In fact she lives in a cabin without electricity. …How do we talk? Uh, the mail I guess I mean, yes! Definitely by mail. In fact we use trained pigeons to send messages to each other so, yeah. No I’m serious! She’s really real you guys and she’s really a model for Victoria’s Secret. Seriously.
1.24.2008
Product Review: The Film Crew
Title: The Film Crew: The Giant of Marathon
Rating: 4 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Athenian women always have the best jugs.”
It may not be the Bots but at least it’s something.
I’m sure Riff Trax are great but for someone with a lousy computer and no money they’re just a dream for the future. In the meantime my new riff material comes from “The Film Crew” featuring our beloved TV personalities Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even if you don’t fall in love with it I feel it’s important to support the new stuff in order to encourage future work. Though I can’t help but notice that all the episodes of the Film Crew are copyrighted in 2005 and Mike now lives in San Diego so it’s unlikely there will be any more. After all, who would want to make fun of old bad movies and be on camera when you can make fun of any movie you want and just make it available for download?
For those unfamiliar with the series it’s about a small group of men who work providing commentary tracks for movies that have none of their own. These commentaries consist mainly of tearing the movies apart with witty and hilarious quips. There are no silhouettes, fancy sets, characters, puppets, or breaks every thirty minutes. There is a lunch break about halfway through the film as well as intro and outro playlets. With “The Giant of Marathon” there is also some special features including additional work and with “Hollywood After Dark” you get Bill’s “Ode to Lunch” playlet. To those who would say that these skits are less than brilliant I would probably reply by pointing out the facts that the guys aren’t working with extremely well developed characters amidst an elaborate setting that provides easily for humor and distraction. On the Satellite of Love if they needed someone else for the guys to talk to they could just open up that hexoport thing for aliens or have their captures call them on the viewscreen. The captures themselves were their own developed characters with their own sets to interact with which allows for more potential. Considering what they are working with the skits aren’t so bad and at least they’re trying. The special features on “The Giant of Marathon” are actually pretty good. I’m sure that if they had kept up with it they would have eventually developed more set characters and gotten even funnier.
Review: The Italian-made Greco-Roman period movies usually don’t do a lot for me. I would probably count the Hercules episodes of MST3K amongst my least favorites. I would say that this commentary is easily my favorite of the genre and overall is very good. Personally I found it a little tough watching all the animal cruelty but the crew’s ability to vocalize almost exactly want you are thinking eases the pain and even makes you laugh at it. And this is the overall experience of the film. Ordinarily the movie would be painful to watch and the whole time you’d have your own commentary going on inside your head but with the crew there with you, you find yourself agreeing with everything they say and chuckling when you would have just been staring blankly at the screen. The jokes are good and the material itself is delightfully awful on its own. The Lunch Break skit may have been a long setup for an obvious and ultimately unsatisfying payoff but I feel we should cut them a break. I doubt I could do any better and I find it safest just to assume you can’t either. Long story short, buy this DVD.
The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Sorry, I just had sex so you might find me slippery in a few places.”
Review: It’s pretty good but the sound on the movie itself is so bad that it’s hard to fully enjoy it.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Athenian women always have the best jugs.”
It may not be the Bots but at least it’s something.
I’m sure Riff Trax are great but for someone with a lousy computer and no money they’re just a dream for the future. In the meantime my new riff material comes from “The Film Crew” featuring our beloved TV personalities Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even if you don’t fall in love with it I feel it’s important to support the new stuff in order to encourage future work. Though I can’t help but notice that all the episodes of the Film Crew are copyrighted in 2005 and Mike now lives in San Diego so it’s unlikely there will be any more. After all, who would want to make fun of old bad movies and be on camera when you can make fun of any movie you want and just make it available for download?
For those unfamiliar with the series it’s about a small group of men who work providing commentary tracks for movies that have none of their own. These commentaries consist mainly of tearing the movies apart with witty and hilarious quips. There are no silhouettes, fancy sets, characters, puppets, or breaks every thirty minutes. There is a lunch break about halfway through the film as well as intro and outro playlets. With “The Giant of Marathon” there is also some special features including additional work and with “Hollywood After Dark” you get Bill’s “Ode to Lunch” playlet. To those who would say that these skits are less than brilliant I would probably reply by pointing out the facts that the guys aren’t working with extremely well developed characters amidst an elaborate setting that provides easily for humor and distraction. On the Satellite of Love if they needed someone else for the guys to talk to they could just open up that hexoport thing for aliens or have their captures call them on the viewscreen. The captures themselves were their own developed characters with their own sets to interact with which allows for more potential. Considering what they are working with the skits aren’t so bad and at least they’re trying. The special features on “The Giant of Marathon” are actually pretty good. I’m sure that if they had kept up with it they would have eventually developed more set characters and gotten even funnier.
Review: The Italian-made Greco-Roman period movies usually don’t do a lot for me. I would probably count the Hercules episodes of MST3K amongst my least favorites. I would say that this commentary is easily my favorite of the genre and overall is very good. Personally I found it a little tough watching all the animal cruelty but the crew’s ability to vocalize almost exactly want you are thinking eases the pain and even makes you laugh at it. And this is the overall experience of the film. Ordinarily the movie would be painful to watch and the whole time you’d have your own commentary going on inside your head but with the crew there with you, you find yourself agreeing with everything they say and chuckling when you would have just been staring blankly at the screen. The jokes are good and the material itself is delightfully awful on its own. The Lunch Break skit may have been a long setup for an obvious and ultimately unsatisfying payoff but I feel we should cut them a break. I doubt I could do any better and I find it safest just to assume you can’t either. Long story short, buy this DVD.
The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Favorite Joke: “Sorry, I just had sex so you might find me slippery in a few places.”
Review: It’s pretty good but the sound on the movie itself is so bad that it’s hard to fully enjoy it.
1.20.2008
Pulse Review
Title: Pulse (2006)
Rating: 3 out of 5?
Tagline: “You are now infected.”
My Tagline: Sorry but I think that tagline is too funny on it’s own when I think about how the movie is about a bunch dingy college kids.
Favorite Quote: “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.”
Plot Synopsis: This pathetic twerp of a pussy hacker loser somehow finds ghosts living in the cyber-world. After he becomes withdrawn and distant (how can you tell? he’s a hacker) his friends (hacker’s have friends?) get worried about him and Veronica Mars goes in to investigate. Apparently the dude hung himself with his phone cord and much to my surprise people cared. Everyone decides to just get on with their lives but in a terrifying twist his friends begin receiving emails from beyond the grave. This turn of events causes his girlfriend (seriously? he had a girlfriend?) to dig deeper into the mystery. What she eventually uncovers is that the pussy loser not only discovered ghosts living in the binary code universe but he in fact let them out and this bizarre apocalypse painfully unfolds in front of us as the ghosts (or whatever the hell they are) use communication technology to attack humans and travel about our world. Naturally this lone college co-ed is the only one on the planet with the knowledge and guts to save the world. And that’s pretty much it. Well that and, of all things, red tape is somehow capable of stopping the cyber ghosts. Yeah…it’s pretty retarded.
Review: I’m still not sure how I feel about this movie. I haven’t seen the original Japanese version but from what I’ve heard it’s (shock surprise) superior or at the very least makes more sense as far as what the ghost things are and why they are doing whatever the hell it is they are doing to people. But I went into “Pulse” with no preconceived notions or thoughts about it. I had no idea what to expect and was open to any experience. The beginning credits said that Wes Craven was one of the writers and I thought to myself “Oh, maybe this will be a legitimately good horror movie.” I kept waiting to start enjoying the movie and was somehow caught off-guard. I remember thinking “Am I watching another ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ here and don’t even realize it or is this brilliant and I don’t even realize it?” The movie seemed to be so bad but I wasn’t laughing. I was just sort of paralyzed with confusion, “Why the hell would anyone make this movie?” After only one viewing I never could decide if I was watching bad movie gold or a misunderstood brilliant horror movie or what. I feel it is more appropriate to review based my initial impressions but I can tell you that this isn’t a misunderstood brilliant horror movie…or a good horror movie…or an okay horror movie.
Now I realize that Kristen Bell is a somewhat attractive young women (for God’s sake girl, eat something!) but what was the director’s deal with trying to stick the camera up her nose all the time? The close-ups were crazy on everybody but they were constant and to the extreme when it came to Ms. Bell. And it went on for about half the movie. I can just see the producers coming up to the guy after watching the dailies and saying, “Look, Jim, you gotta cool it with these close-ups. I don’t need to be able count each of Gonzalez’s nose hairs or be able to identify the mitochondria of Kirsten’s skin cells.” (that’s a joke for my biology fans out there) The same goes for Ms. Milian’s butt. Yeah it’s a nice butt but come on dude, can you try being a little more obvious? The whole movie is shot using some kind of depressing blue filter that makes everything look very unappealing and horror-movie-ish. There is some lame dialogue which leads to some lame acting coupled with a fucking weird plot that does make you want to like this movie and gives it fun-bad points. The other qualification for fun-bad that this movie has is characters. For a long time it looked like there wasn’t going to be any truly noteworthy characters until Veronica Mars and Boone go to talk to the guy the pussy hacker stole the ghosts from. His scene may be brief but it’s intense and fun. Now there are actually some legitimately good visuals in the movie. The best of course were lifted straight out of the Japanese version. Others like the scene where the cover art comes from looked fairly cool but I found jarring and disturbing as well as unnecessary. I also love that we have almost no connection to the pussy hacker at all. I make fun of him and everything but in truth there is almost nothing in the movie about him. Maybe some flashbacks or something might help us understand why Ms. Bell, or any of them for that matter, would give a shit that he’s dead. We’re just sort of told through exposition that this person was their friend and for no other reason they care and we’re just supposed to relate to them because we’re ordered to. Overall the movie is lame, pessimistic/depressing, and just fucking weird but it is all in good way. This seems like one that won’t be universally received as fun but I believe it is one that must be tried so I shall call it a “must see.”
Questions: -What’s the deal with the red tape? (yes, I understand that they explained it within the movie but that doesn’t change the fact that it was stupid)
-So…the world is over? That seems like a weird ending.
-What exactly was the motivation behind the ghost’s actions?
-Seriously? Ghosts live inside a computer program?
-Why, at first, did the ghost things take a long time to “steal your will to live” but later were like turning people into black ash and absorbing them into walls in the blink of an eye?
-Seriously? Red Tape?
-Did they ever explain what was going on with the videos people were getting on their computers?
-So you’re telling me that hacker dude was fucking Kirsten Bell? That it is what you were implying by telling me that those two were dating. That guy? Where is the justice in this world?
Unrelated observation: -And I used to think that Ms. Bell and Mr. Somerhalder were okay actors but man…I haven’t been seeing that lately.
Rating: 3 out of 5?
Tagline: “You are now infected.”
My Tagline: Sorry but I think that tagline is too funny on it’s own when I think about how the movie is about a bunch dingy college kids.
Favorite Quote: “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.”
Plot Synopsis: This pathetic twerp of a pussy hacker loser somehow finds ghosts living in the cyber-world. After he becomes withdrawn and distant (how can you tell? he’s a hacker) his friends (hacker’s have friends?) get worried about him and Veronica Mars goes in to investigate. Apparently the dude hung himself with his phone cord and much to my surprise people cared. Everyone decides to just get on with their lives but in a terrifying twist his friends begin receiving emails from beyond the grave. This turn of events causes his girlfriend (seriously? he had a girlfriend?) to dig deeper into the mystery. What she eventually uncovers is that the pussy loser not only discovered ghosts living in the binary code universe but he in fact let them out and this bizarre apocalypse painfully unfolds in front of us as the ghosts (or whatever the hell they are) use communication technology to attack humans and travel about our world. Naturally this lone college co-ed is the only one on the planet with the knowledge and guts to save the world. And that’s pretty much it. Well that and, of all things, red tape is somehow capable of stopping the cyber ghosts. Yeah…it’s pretty retarded.
Review: I’m still not sure how I feel about this movie. I haven’t seen the original Japanese version but from what I’ve heard it’s (shock surprise) superior or at the very least makes more sense as far as what the ghost things are and why they are doing whatever the hell it is they are doing to people. But I went into “Pulse” with no preconceived notions or thoughts about it. I had no idea what to expect and was open to any experience. The beginning credits said that Wes Craven was one of the writers and I thought to myself “Oh, maybe this will be a legitimately good horror movie.” I kept waiting to start enjoying the movie and was somehow caught off-guard. I remember thinking “Am I watching another ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ here and don’t even realize it or is this brilliant and I don’t even realize it?” The movie seemed to be so bad but I wasn’t laughing. I was just sort of paralyzed with confusion, “Why the hell would anyone make this movie?” After only one viewing I never could decide if I was watching bad movie gold or a misunderstood brilliant horror movie or what. I feel it is more appropriate to review based my initial impressions but I can tell you that this isn’t a misunderstood brilliant horror movie…or a good horror movie…or an okay horror movie.
Now I realize that Kristen Bell is a somewhat attractive young women (for God’s sake girl, eat something!) but what was the director’s deal with trying to stick the camera up her nose all the time? The close-ups were crazy on everybody but they were constant and to the extreme when it came to Ms. Bell. And it went on for about half the movie. I can just see the producers coming up to the guy after watching the dailies and saying, “Look, Jim, you gotta cool it with these close-ups. I don’t need to be able count each of Gonzalez’s nose hairs or be able to identify the mitochondria of Kirsten’s skin cells.” (that’s a joke for my biology fans out there) The same goes for Ms. Milian’s butt. Yeah it’s a nice butt but come on dude, can you try being a little more obvious? The whole movie is shot using some kind of depressing blue filter that makes everything look very unappealing and horror-movie-ish. There is some lame dialogue which leads to some lame acting coupled with a fucking weird plot that does make you want to like this movie and gives it fun-bad points. The other qualification for fun-bad that this movie has is characters. For a long time it looked like there wasn’t going to be any truly noteworthy characters until Veronica Mars and Boone go to talk to the guy the pussy hacker stole the ghosts from. His scene may be brief but it’s intense and fun. Now there are actually some legitimately good visuals in the movie. The best of course were lifted straight out of the Japanese version. Others like the scene where the cover art comes from looked fairly cool but I found jarring and disturbing as well as unnecessary. I also love that we have almost no connection to the pussy hacker at all. I make fun of him and everything but in truth there is almost nothing in the movie about him. Maybe some flashbacks or something might help us understand why Ms. Bell, or any of them for that matter, would give a shit that he’s dead. We’re just sort of told through exposition that this person was their friend and for no other reason they care and we’re just supposed to relate to them because we’re ordered to. Overall the movie is lame, pessimistic/depressing, and just fucking weird but it is all in good way. This seems like one that won’t be universally received as fun but I believe it is one that must be tried so I shall call it a “must see.”
Questions: -What’s the deal with the red tape? (yes, I understand that they explained it within the movie but that doesn’t change the fact that it was stupid)
-So…the world is over? That seems like a weird ending.
-What exactly was the motivation behind the ghost’s actions?
-Seriously? Ghosts live inside a computer program?
-Why, at first, did the ghost things take a long time to “steal your will to live” but later were like turning people into black ash and absorbing them into walls in the blink of an eye?
-Seriously? Red Tape?
-Did they ever explain what was going on with the videos people were getting on their computers?
-So you’re telling me that hacker dude was fucking Kirsten Bell? That it is what you were implying by telling me that those two were dating. That guy? Where is the justice in this world?
Unrelated observation: -And I used to think that Ms. Bell and Mr. Somerhalder were okay actors but man…I haven’t been seeing that lately.
Werewolf VS The Vampire Women
Title: Werewolf VS The Vampire Women (1971)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “The blood flows like vintage wine.”
My Tagline: “All the terror that slow-motion vampire women and hairy French dudes can provide.”
Favorite Quote: “People say I’m crazy, it makes me so angry.”
Plot Synopsis: Okay, so these French chicks are driving around the French countryside with the intention of making it to some town and somehow manage to get lost and out of gas so they stop at some ruins where they met up with this guy that we witnessed turn into a werewolf earlier in the movie and all this somehow relates to a paper one of them, Elvira, is writing about some dead blood-drinking princess. That much makes since, the rest seems like they just made it up as they went along or something. And my God French people fall in love fast!
Review: Review: Well aside from the fact that it’s French (eww) the movie also appears to have been filmed entirely at the bottom of a cup of coffee. From the get-go you are mislead with a great title. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun with battles between a lone werewolf and a family of female vampires and after you find out it's really nothing the disappointment doesn't set the stage for a fun experience. I’m sure the movie makes sense to somebody out there but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid. I swear that chick must hold some kind of screen record for time spent between meeting a person and falling in love with them and then later stabbing them to set them free of a curse. I don’t get the significance of the slow-mo vampires other then that they were the least terrifying villains ever conceived until the 1976 classic, “Dust Bunnies of Doom” and the later “The Aggressive Itchy Algae of Alpine Nigeria” and of course “Moss of Madness.*” Some of the dialogue is funny (as is the case with most translated movies) and I liked how the movie seemed to almost tease us with the prospect of boob but would always stop just as things were getting hot. I found it difficult to make fun of it MST3K style but no doubt there are much funnier people than I out there so this may be better movie for some. For the time being I stand by my ranking and would say that for most people this isn’t a movie worth trying.
*I completely made all those up.
Rating: 2 out of 5
Tagline: “The blood flows like vintage wine.”
My Tagline: “All the terror that slow-motion vampire women and hairy French dudes can provide.”
Favorite Quote: “People say I’m crazy, it makes me so angry.”
Plot Synopsis: Okay, so these French chicks are driving around the French countryside with the intention of making it to some town and somehow manage to get lost and out of gas so they stop at some ruins where they met up with this guy that we witnessed turn into a werewolf earlier in the movie and all this somehow relates to a paper one of them, Elvira, is writing about some dead blood-drinking princess. That much makes since, the rest seems like they just made it up as they went along or something. And my God French people fall in love fast!
Review: Review: Well aside from the fact that it’s French (eww) the movie also appears to have been filmed entirely at the bottom of a cup of coffee. From the get-go you are mislead with a great title. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun with battles between a lone werewolf and a family of female vampires and after you find out it's really nothing the disappointment doesn't set the stage for a fun experience. I’m sure the movie makes sense to somebody out there but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid. I swear that chick must hold some kind of screen record for time spent between meeting a person and falling in love with them and then later stabbing them to set them free of a curse. I don’t get the significance of the slow-mo vampires other then that they were the least terrifying villains ever conceived until the 1976 classic, “Dust Bunnies of Doom” and the later “The Aggressive Itchy Algae of Alpine Nigeria” and of course “Moss of Madness.*” Some of the dialogue is funny (as is the case with most translated movies) and I liked how the movie seemed to almost tease us with the prospect of boob but would always stop just as things were getting hot. I found it difficult to make fun of it MST3K style but no doubt there are much funnier people than I out there so this may be better movie for some. For the time being I stand by my ranking and would say that for most people this isn’t a movie worth trying.
*I completely made all those up.
1.18.2008
Feedback
Yeah…I meant to mention this from the start, I’m really not interested in receiving feedback from anybody. I know this website has a comments feature but that wasn’t my choice. That probably makes me sound like an asshole and it doesn’t fit in with the current perception of Internet behavior but discussion, especially online, is really not my thing. I still find it mind-boggling that people would even read blogs, let alone respond to them. Trying to understand why strangers would want to read what I have to say about movies makes my head hurt. It just seems crazy to me and I can’t understand why it’s so important for some people to get their opinions out there…and of all places on the Internet. People are weird. I’ll never understand it but I can accept it and try to exploit it for money. (which is tough considering how few of you click on the ads) Though I will admit, I do enjoy writing the reviews a little bit.
But to those of you who might consider writing to me about my reviews you should know I’m most likely just going to ignore you and it’s highly unlikely I will publish your comment. Yes, I realize I ask questions about movies for comedic affect but they are meant to be strictly rhetorical and are written because those are the questions that pop up in your mind during or shortly after a movie. I don’t need answers, its just part of the impression the movie made on me.
And I should also mention, while I’m at it, that I don't need any English lessons either. I love run-on sentences and I enjoy beginning sentences with prepositions to give my voice a more oratory feel. And try as I might mistakes just happen and the fact is perfect grammar just isn’t a priority for me.
I bring all this up because earlier someone had this to say about my AVPR review and since they wrote it before this little message I will acknowledge it.
“Actually the Predalien wasn't just using pregnant women, it also used the female bum, and the two people in the diner. And anatomy matters very little to an organism that lays eggs in a living host (like the desert wasp), the young aliens came out of the stomach because they were breed in litters, instead of just one at a time. Seems bizarre as well, unless your a geek (like me) who knows the alien life cycle. The reason for the litters (I know you'll question it) is that the Predalien was a Pretorian. A Pretorian is a class of alien just below the Queen, they produce the royal jelly used to feed the Queen, or in the case of no Queen eaten themselves to become a queen. However Pretorian also have the ability to breed in litters due to the creature being vulnerable alone. Understandable since the Aliens are little more than cockroaches on their homeworld. For full info on Alien life cycle check out wikipedia or better yet read the comics.
The predators "stupid" gun was actually quite impressive if you take it for what it is. It was actually a quick rigged zip gun made from his broken shoulder cannon. I'd sure like to be able to build one in my garage from spare parts.
The gun was then taken to the Yutani corporation, who merges with Weyland Enterprises to become Weyland-Yutani the company who runs the planet by the time of the first Alien movie. It is easy to see how this "stupid" gun could bring about an advancement in technology. Think about it, how much power did that little gun put out? How many advancements could be made just from figuering out the power source? Think a technology company doesn't have reverse engineers?”
Well I will say that I appreciate the fact that this comment’s tone is more informative than argumentative. Not like most people I’ve seen who seem to be trying to pick a fight with people they’ve never met in hopes of yelling at them with their keyboards. So here’s my response:
This is one of those things where it is clearly at least a little important to you and extremely unimportant to me so I’m happy to simply concede and give you reign over the floor on these issues.
It is possible, though unlikely, that my observations of what was going on onscreen were not perfect and I could have missed some impregnations but in my defense the movie was so poorly lit and badly directed that it was nearly impossible to catch everything and my statements reflected the overall impression that most people had about the action onscreen.
And I’m sorry but that gun is stupid. Even if I could rig one up in my garage I wouldn’t because I would be capable of recognizing the fact that hundreds of years of metal-projectile-gun evolution has lead to incredible pieces of technology that are capable of providing a wide array of abilities including rapid-fire, reliability, efficiency, stopping force, accuracy, stealth, as well as many others. I’m sure someone wants to say something about how a gun needs reloaded and I would retort by saying - A.) The psychological affect of knowing that how fast your gun will be reloaded is dependant on your skill instead of some piece of technology is not to be underestimated. B.) A gun can be fired more than once every ten seconds! C.) A gun can be reloaded in less time then it took that thing to charge up. And D.) We were given little indication how much power that thing had left (in fact I seem to remember he had trouble getting to fire) so for all we know in was out of energy ammo by the end and then you’d be left with nothing. With the addition of hundreds of years of bullet technology human guns allow us to do everything from wounding without over-penetration to shredding apart an organism’s insides with bullets that expand when in contact with body-heat but can cut through cold steel like nothing to poison bullets and even incendiary rounds. I would also be worried about becoming the laughing stock of my prey as I stood there helplessly holding my ridiculously stupid stumpy metal shaft with it’s blinking lights and beeping noises giving away my position. I suppose the enemy that has literally been running circles around me could be delayed by laughter long enough for half a charge to build and then I could really show them how scary I can be with a beeping flashlight.
And I will confess that I did struggle with whether or not to include the lines about how silly it seems that one gun would have such a strong effect on the course of human technology. Reverse engineering is pretty effective stuff and it is likely that, while it is a nearly useless weapon, that gun thing would yield some useful information. But all of that takes place outside the movie itself so it doesn’t count.
The most important point I would make is that my review is based on the experience of simply watching AVPR for what it is on it’s own. My review was written from the prospective of someone who walked into the theater with no prior experience with the Alien/Predator universe and therefore I was able to relate to the largest possible audience. Sure, I could spend hours of my time doing research and trying to understand all of the back-story but how many of us ever do that? Very few of us do and one thing needed for a work of art to be considered good is that it can be understood and enjoyed solely on it’s own. To paraphrase The Joker ‘If you have to explain a joke it isn’t funny.’ If a piece of art requires prior knowledge or any research in order for it to just make sense to us then it doesn’t hold up as a worthy piece of art. And yes, I know films contain “nods” to fans with references and things that only those familiar with a universe would get and that is a great but it when you must be familiar with a universe then the artists have failed us. An example of good referencing for fans was at the end when the beeping-robotic-penis-gun is given to the Yutani Chick. All that stuff about who can become impregnated and alien litters and all that nonsense is an example of things that creates confusion in the minds of your average moviegoer if they are not properly presented to us. And it was from that perspective with the confusion about, and impression of, AVPR that I choose to write from in my review as it was something that was experienced (and by the majority) of some people. This was done in hopes that one might read what I had to say about the film and think to themselves, “Yes! Exactly.” It is because of this spirit that I feel my review holds up exactly as it is.
So the short version of this post is: Unless you were involved in the making of one of these movies or have nothing but praise for me then it’s in your best interest to not waste the time it takes to write me as I will most likely just ignore you. Sorry if that makes me an asshole but I had to learn to live with that accusation a loooong time ago and I’m a busy man. But, if I do decide to respond it will be a big response like this posted so that everyone can see our feud. I’m lookin’ at you Uwe.
But to those of you who might consider writing to me about my reviews you should know I’m most likely just going to ignore you and it’s highly unlikely I will publish your comment. Yes, I realize I ask questions about movies for comedic affect but they are meant to be strictly rhetorical and are written because those are the questions that pop up in your mind during or shortly after a movie. I don’t need answers, its just part of the impression the movie made on me.
And I should also mention, while I’m at it, that I don't need any English lessons either. I love run-on sentences and I enjoy beginning sentences with prepositions to give my voice a more oratory feel. And try as I might mistakes just happen and the fact is perfect grammar just isn’t a priority for me.
I bring all this up because earlier someone had this to say about my AVPR review and since they wrote it before this little message I will acknowledge it.
“Actually the Predalien wasn't just using pregnant women, it also used the female bum, and the two people in the diner. And anatomy matters very little to an organism that lays eggs in a living host (like the desert wasp), the young aliens came out of the stomach because they were breed in litters, instead of just one at a time. Seems bizarre as well, unless your a geek (like me) who knows the alien life cycle. The reason for the litters (I know you'll question it) is that the Predalien was a Pretorian. A Pretorian is a class of alien just below the Queen, they produce the royal jelly used to feed the Queen, or in the case of no Queen eaten themselves to become a queen. However Pretorian also have the ability to breed in litters due to the creature being vulnerable alone. Understandable since the Aliens are little more than cockroaches on their homeworld. For full info on Alien life cycle check out wikipedia or better yet read the comics.
The predators "stupid" gun was actually quite impressive if you take it for what it is. It was actually a quick rigged zip gun made from his broken shoulder cannon. I'd sure like to be able to build one in my garage from spare parts.
The gun was then taken to the Yutani corporation, who merges with Weyland Enterprises to become Weyland-Yutani the company who runs the planet by the time of the first Alien movie. It is easy to see how this "stupid" gun could bring about an advancement in technology. Think about it, how much power did that little gun put out? How many advancements could be made just from figuering out the power source? Think a technology company doesn't have reverse engineers?”
Well I will say that I appreciate the fact that this comment’s tone is more informative than argumentative. Not like most people I’ve seen who seem to be trying to pick a fight with people they’ve never met in hopes of yelling at them with their keyboards. So here’s my response:
This is one of those things where it is clearly at least a little important to you and extremely unimportant to me so I’m happy to simply concede and give you reign over the floor on these issues.
It is possible, though unlikely, that my observations of what was going on onscreen were not perfect and I could have missed some impregnations but in my defense the movie was so poorly lit and badly directed that it was nearly impossible to catch everything and my statements reflected the overall impression that most people had about the action onscreen.
And I’m sorry but that gun is stupid. Even if I could rig one up in my garage I wouldn’t because I would be capable of recognizing the fact that hundreds of years of metal-projectile-gun evolution has lead to incredible pieces of technology that are capable of providing a wide array of abilities including rapid-fire, reliability, efficiency, stopping force, accuracy, stealth, as well as many others. I’m sure someone wants to say something about how a gun needs reloaded and I would retort by saying - A.) The psychological affect of knowing that how fast your gun will be reloaded is dependant on your skill instead of some piece of technology is not to be underestimated. B.) A gun can be fired more than once every ten seconds! C.) A gun can be reloaded in less time then it took that thing to charge up. And D.) We were given little indication how much power that thing had left (in fact I seem to remember he had trouble getting to fire) so for all we know in was out of energy ammo by the end and then you’d be left with nothing. With the addition of hundreds of years of bullet technology human guns allow us to do everything from wounding without over-penetration to shredding apart an organism’s insides with bullets that expand when in contact with body-heat but can cut through cold steel like nothing to poison bullets and even incendiary rounds. I would also be worried about becoming the laughing stock of my prey as I stood there helplessly holding my ridiculously stupid stumpy metal shaft with it’s blinking lights and beeping noises giving away my position. I suppose the enemy that has literally been running circles around me could be delayed by laughter long enough for half a charge to build and then I could really show them how scary I can be with a beeping flashlight.
And I will confess that I did struggle with whether or not to include the lines about how silly it seems that one gun would have such a strong effect on the course of human technology. Reverse engineering is pretty effective stuff and it is likely that, while it is a nearly useless weapon, that gun thing would yield some useful information. But all of that takes place outside the movie itself so it doesn’t count.
The most important point I would make is that my review is based on the experience of simply watching AVPR for what it is on it’s own. My review was written from the prospective of someone who walked into the theater with no prior experience with the Alien/Predator universe and therefore I was able to relate to the largest possible audience. Sure, I could spend hours of my time doing research and trying to understand all of the back-story but how many of us ever do that? Very few of us do and one thing needed for a work of art to be considered good is that it can be understood and enjoyed solely on it’s own. To paraphrase The Joker ‘If you have to explain a joke it isn’t funny.’ If a piece of art requires prior knowledge or any research in order for it to just make sense to us then it doesn’t hold up as a worthy piece of art. And yes, I know films contain “nods” to fans with references and things that only those familiar with a universe would get and that is a great but it when you must be familiar with a universe then the artists have failed us. An example of good referencing for fans was at the end when the beeping-robotic-penis-gun is given to the Yutani Chick. All that stuff about who can become impregnated and alien litters and all that nonsense is an example of things that creates confusion in the minds of your average moviegoer if they are not properly presented to us. And it was from that perspective with the confusion about, and impression of, AVPR that I choose to write from in my review as it was something that was experienced (and by the majority) of some people. This was done in hopes that one might read what I had to say about the film and think to themselves, “Yes! Exactly.” It is because of this spirit that I feel my review holds up exactly as it is.
So the short version of this post is: Unless you were involved in the making of one of these movies or have nothing but praise for me then it’s in your best interest to not waste the time it takes to write me as I will most likely just ignore you. Sorry if that makes me an asshole but I had to learn to live with that accusation a loooong time ago and I’m a busy man. But, if I do decide to respond it will be a big response like this posted so that everyone can see our feud. I’m lookin’ at you Uwe.
1.13.2008
Night Train to Terror Review
Title: Night Train to Terror a.k.a. Shiver a.k.a. The Nightmare Never Ends (1985)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “A one way ticket to Hell…and beyond.”
My Tagline: “Dance with me, dance with me.”
Favorite Quote: “Excuse me while I smoke.”
Plot Synopsis: It’s pretty hard to tell just what the hell is going on but it would seem that during a routine judging of souls by God and Satan, that for some reason takes place on a train, which determines where the dead will go in the afterlife they pick up an 80’s band with the intention of killing them all in a horrible train wreck. (this movie’s a train wreck alright) Although they rarely judge those who are actually dead yet we watch on as the two of them view short movies reenacting a brief period of life experienced by the souls in question. There are three souls being debated over (I guess the Grim Reaper knocked off early that day or something) and each one gets their own movie for us to watch. They are all very strange and it’s like getting three fun-bad movies for the price of one. The first follows one man’s tragic tale of drug-induced hypnosis where he is forced to bring young women to a clinic where some rather nasty things happen to them shortly after they arrive. The second appears to be some kind of continuation of the director’s first film, “Death Wish Club” a.k.a. “Carnival of Fools.” In this bizarre tale two young people are forced to participate in death games likened to Russian Roulette after they piss off some middle aged guy. In the third and final chapter an aged holocaust survivor recognizes the murderer of his family on the television and proceeds to tell his cop neighbor who makes it his personal mission to bring the man to justice. And for reasons still beyond me we also get to watch the director’s son break-dance between segments.
Review: If you are like me you will fall in love with this movie within the first two minutes. It’s just that good. Sparse and abrupt narration attacks your senses in a desperate attempt to make sense out of the images that are flickering in front of your face. Hilarious continuity and the recycling of actors keeps you on your toes as you struggle find meaning in a movie that contradicts itself so badly in back-to-back scenes. It was made before the advent of available CGI so whenever something fantastic happens it will cut to a scene of claymation reminiscent of “Celebrity Deathmatch.” The concepts for the individual stories are actually really good and potentially interesting but they are so short and executed so foolishly that they never really had a chance to be good. Though I have to say all the actors were brilliant in their own way, very entertaining to watch. Plus you get to see Night Court’s Bailiff Shannon strangle naked women which is always fun. Oh, it also has Kalgan AND Diabolik! This is actually a great film for MST3K fans because it also has Commander Alex Jansen (or Santa) from “Space Mutiny” and I’m not sure but I think the roundhouse lighthouse is from “Wild Rebels.” And, amazingly, according to the film’s credits the crew actually managed to get God and Satan to play themselves. Incredible. I also enjoy the fact that despite the presence of the Prince of Darkness himself, Bailiff Bull sawing woman into pieces while they’re still alive, a Hell-sent demon committing genocide, and a man who looks like Mike Huckabee forcing people to participate in elaborate death games the creepiest guy in the whole movie is the humble train conductor. I hope I haven’t over-hyped the movie too much but I just love it and I bet if you give it a chance you will too.
After you see the movie you will more than likely be left with many questions, chief among them will be as follows but I would recommend you watch the movie first…
-What the fuck is the deal with the break-dancing teenagers?
-Only one of the main people they are examining is even dead yet so why are they even doing this?
-Okay, I can forgive the fact that the girl’s hair is cut like a man’s and I thought she was a new character in one scene and then it’s back down to her shoulder blades in the next but why was there so much animosity between the two young lovers in the short hair scene if in the next the narrator was just going to explain that they somehow managed to escape and now live together because they were just so much in love?
-So just why is the train conductor so damn creepy?
-Why was Kalgan being judged so harshly when he was kidnapped, drugged up, hypnotized, and being forced against his will? Just what exactly did he do wrong? Get in that car wreck? Is that all it takes to be damned to Hell? And why was he even being judged at all? He wasn’t dead yet!
-So you’re really going to end the movie like that huh? You’re really going to end it on a mutilating train wreck and with Satan’s minion running amok on Earth forever?
-So God’s brilliant idea to deal with the Devil is to leave him on Earth? No Hell or anything, just stuck on Earth with us to deal with? Thanks God, really appreciate it.
-Oh yeah, I thought Satan was already supposed to live in Hell? What’s all this about casting him down to Earth and threatening him by saying you will open the gates of Hell?
-So what exactly was the point of Papini?
-So was that piano-playing chick just stoned out of her mind 24/7? (She’s the best thing in the whole movie by the way)
-Is there maybe an extended director’s cut I can get my hands on?
Rating: 5 out of 5
Tagline: “A one way ticket to Hell…and beyond.”
My Tagline: “Dance with me, dance with me.”
Favorite Quote: “Excuse me while I smoke.”
Plot Synopsis: It’s pretty hard to tell just what the hell is going on but it would seem that during a routine judging of souls by God and Satan, that for some reason takes place on a train, which determines where the dead will go in the afterlife they pick up an 80’s band with the intention of killing them all in a horrible train wreck. (this movie’s a train wreck alright) Although they rarely judge those who are actually dead yet we watch on as the two of them view short movies reenacting a brief period of life experienced by the souls in question. There are three souls being debated over (I guess the Grim Reaper knocked off early that day or something) and each one gets their own movie for us to watch. They are all very strange and it’s like getting three fun-bad movies for the price of one. The first follows one man’s tragic tale of drug-induced hypnosis where he is forced to bring young women to a clinic where some rather nasty things happen to them shortly after they arrive. The second appears to be some kind of continuation of the director’s first film, “Death Wish Club” a.k.a. “Carnival of Fools.” In this bizarre tale two young people are forced to participate in death games likened to Russian Roulette after they piss off some middle aged guy. In the third and final chapter an aged holocaust survivor recognizes the murderer of his family on the television and proceeds to tell his cop neighbor who makes it his personal mission to bring the man to justice. And for reasons still beyond me we also get to watch the director’s son break-dance between segments.
Review: If you are like me you will fall in love with this movie within the first two minutes. It’s just that good. Sparse and abrupt narration attacks your senses in a desperate attempt to make sense out of the images that are flickering in front of your face. Hilarious continuity and the recycling of actors keeps you on your toes as you struggle find meaning in a movie that contradicts itself so badly in back-to-back scenes. It was made before the advent of available CGI so whenever something fantastic happens it will cut to a scene of claymation reminiscent of “Celebrity Deathmatch.” The concepts for the individual stories are actually really good and potentially interesting but they are so short and executed so foolishly that they never really had a chance to be good. Though I have to say all the actors were brilliant in their own way, very entertaining to watch. Plus you get to see Night Court’s Bailiff Shannon strangle naked women which is always fun. Oh, it also has Kalgan AND Diabolik! This is actually a great film for MST3K fans because it also has Commander Alex Jansen (or Santa) from “Space Mutiny” and I’m not sure but I think the roundhouse lighthouse is from “Wild Rebels.” And, amazingly, according to the film’s credits the crew actually managed to get God and Satan to play themselves. Incredible. I also enjoy the fact that despite the presence of the Prince of Darkness himself, Bailiff Bull sawing woman into pieces while they’re still alive, a Hell-sent demon committing genocide, and a man who looks like Mike Huckabee forcing people to participate in elaborate death games the creepiest guy in the whole movie is the humble train conductor. I hope I haven’t over-hyped the movie too much but I just love it and I bet if you give it a chance you will too.
After you see the movie you will more than likely be left with many questions, chief among them will be as follows but I would recommend you watch the movie first…
-What the fuck is the deal with the break-dancing teenagers?
-Only one of the main people they are examining is even dead yet so why are they even doing this?
-Okay, I can forgive the fact that the girl’s hair is cut like a man’s and I thought she was a new character in one scene and then it’s back down to her shoulder blades in the next but why was there so much animosity between the two young lovers in the short hair scene if in the next the narrator was just going to explain that they somehow managed to escape and now live together because they were just so much in love?
-So just why is the train conductor so damn creepy?
-Why was Kalgan being judged so harshly when he was kidnapped, drugged up, hypnotized, and being forced against his will? Just what exactly did he do wrong? Get in that car wreck? Is that all it takes to be damned to Hell? And why was he even being judged at all? He wasn’t dead yet!
-So you’re really going to end the movie like that huh? You’re really going to end it on a mutilating train wreck and with Satan’s minion running amok on Earth forever?
-So God’s brilliant idea to deal with the Devil is to leave him on Earth? No Hell or anything, just stuck on Earth with us to deal with? Thanks God, really appreciate it.
-Oh yeah, I thought Satan was already supposed to live in Hell? What’s all this about casting him down to Earth and threatening him by saying you will open the gates of Hell?
-So what exactly was the point of Papini?
-So was that piano-playing chick just stoned out of her mind 24/7? (She’s the best thing in the whole movie by the way)
-Is there maybe an extended director’s cut I can get my hands on?
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